REBECCA LUKER,
SINGING THE ROLE OF "JEANINE" FROM "TANGLED WEBS" -
Book by Bill Connington, Music by Skip Kennon. Lyrics by Ellen M. Schwartz,
adapted from the story "WebCast" by Fred Landau
And I'll Seal It With a Kiss - sung by Rebecca Luker
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
If anyone's looking for holiday material...
If anyone's looking for material for the holiday season's cabaret and holiday show performances:
A sincere (non-parody) power ballad ANOTHER CHRISTMAS
And because it's so topical for holiday traveling, here's FLY ME IN THE NUDE about the full-body airline scanners
Feel free to use any of these this holiday season. If you do, all I ask is that you just let me know how the song goes over.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
It's Not Delusional - Parody of Darren Criss IT'S NOT UNUSUAL
Parody of Darren Criss' recording and video of IT'S NOT UNUSUAL - as the Gleek Chorus wishes the best to Darren Criss and Lea Michele and the cast of GLEE for a jump-start in their ratings (and, we hope, their musical theater bankability)
Monday, October 24, 2011
Parody based on Hugh Jackman's Broadway show & what people need to do to get really good seats
"I Go To Rio" parody / parodying the sales on the Hugh Jackman Bway show
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Musical by some family & friends timed to the Occupy Wall Street protests; very much like a modern Cradle Will Rock in many exciting ways.
"Reckless Endangerment, a citizen's plea for the promise of America" -- on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNdxw9-wfdY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNdxw9-wfdY
This is an eight-minute musical film. I hope it's a pilot for a larger musical stage or film project, but it stands beautifully on its own.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Rodgers & Hart parody -parody of John Doyle's new show, looking likely to be a NY smash when it gets here
Parody of IT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND - as the actor/musicians reportedly get paid for both roles when they do both
Monday, August 15, 2011
With Gov. Mark Sanford back in the news & giving interviews
Revisiting our NOTHIN' COULD BE FINER THAN TO LEAVE SOUTH CAROLINA parody about the itinerant governor who claimed to have been hiking along the Appalachian Trail (but was actually in Argentina) back in summer 2009
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sesame Street Gay Wedding controversy :)
That Katy Perry "controversy" for SESAME STREET last year, the "Bert and Ernie gay wedding controversy" this year.
These controversies must be good for SESAME STREET ratings, right?
GETTING HITCHED ON SESAME STREET - my parody take
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM9EHE3EjDEWednesday, August 10, 2011
Vascillating Rhythm, or Oh Yes We Can Take That Away from You: Gershwin heirs allow changes, a look back
Just in fun, not 100% sure what I think about this issue, but so much intelligent conversation about this issue today:
The Gershwins' ghosts kvetching about their heirs allowing changes
SOMEONE TO WATCH OUR ESTATE - updating our "parody chat" with George and Ira Gershwin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF8tBUVE24E
The Gershwins' ghosts kvetching about their heirs allowing changes
SOMEONE TO WATCH OUR ESTATE - updating our "parody chat" with George and Ira Gershwin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF8tBUVE24E
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Living EVITA Loca - an audio parody preview, because suddenly, everyone's talking EVITA instead of FUNNY GIRL
I was planning a full "Living La Vida Loca" parody on Ricky Martin's casting for the fall (I think he'll do a great job with the role, even if his fans will buy tickets for hotness reasons) - but decided to put out this UNMIXED audio preview since suddenly "everyone" is talking EVITA because of the show's casting announcement yesterday.
LIVING EVITA LOCA - UNMIXED AUDIO
Friday, August 5, 2011
Parody based on Lauren Ambrose casting as Fanny Brice, and the much-talked-about Marilyn Michaels NY Times blog item this morning
I'D RATHER A JEW OVER YOU (parody of I'd Rather Be Blue Over You)
suggested by the NY Times blog item (on FUNNY GIRL casting Lauren Ambrose) by the legendary Marilyn Michaels
The sing-along parody lyrics are in the "More info" on the YouTube screen!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
In honor of the new documentary "Sarah Palin -You Betcha" debuting in Toronto in Sept.
You may only want to watch this if you like laughing at Sarah Palin instead of with her.
Revisiting a parody from Fred Landau & Jan Horvath (a so-called rogue-umentary)
Parody of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain"
Sunday, July 31, 2011
On A Clear Day - some affectionate parody videos
("Alan Jay Lerner" goes from mellow and nervous at
Vassar tryout to excited at Vineyard)
"CLEAR DAY" song parody- jazz-inflected version to honor the revisal's plot;
Seen & Interred: "Donna K" with ecstatic Alan Jay Lerner & Burton Lane on Vineyard
Theatre elevator (kidding the beloved NY1 "Scene and Heard" segment just a little bit)
For the earlier WHAT DID I HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE parody,
see Youtube link at:
see Youtube link at:
- Alan Jay Lerner's ghost's reactions to the Vassar tryout last summer
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Trying something unusual on friends' advice: link to my entry on a music submission site
"MusicSubmit" URL - 4 songs that seem to stand outside their contexts (?), two parodies and two non-parody ballads.
Warning: The songs start playing automatically when you click above.
HOLLYWOOD GOWN is my parody of Hollywood Town, on award red carpets, featuring Jan Horvath's vocal.
FLY ME IN THE NUDE is my topical Sinatra/airline Tharpian parody, my vocal.
ANOTHER CHRISTMAS & I LOOK INTO THOSE EYES are ballads - with music, lyric, and vocal by me.
HOLLYWOOD GOWN is my parody of Hollywood Town, on award red carpets, featuring Jan Horvath's vocal.
FLY ME IN THE NUDE is my topical Sinatra/airline Tharpian parody, my vocal.
ANOTHER CHRISTMAS & I LOOK INTO THOSE EYES are ballads - with music, lyric, and vocal by me.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
What are the odds? Getting loads of views because people think I'm a different "Landau" than I am?
Been enjoying getting loads of extra YouTube views because of people looking for YouTubes of Landau Eugene Murphy, who goes by the one-name "Landau" generally, but his FLY ME TO THE MOON vocal just the other night was eerily similar to my FLY ME IN THE NUDE parody. I know we're both doing Sinatra, but so similar, at least to these ears. The orchestrations are different, but just compare the sound of the vocals; I'd been wondering why people's emails for him were coming to me - I've just been writing back saying I'm flattered by the comparison but I'm not THAT Landau.
Landau Eugene Murphy doing FLY ME TO THE MOON
Me (now the other Landau - LOL!) doing the FLY ME IN THE NUDE PARODY
The FLY ME IN THE NUDE parody is totally suitable to watch at work, by the way!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Hollywood Gown - Emmy season "rap" version
HOLLYWOOD GOWN - anticipating-the-Emmys "parody-rap" version
Sunday, July 3, 2011
July 4 tribute: recalling the John & Abigail Adams family theme
In the spirit of 1776, hope it's OK to bring out this oldie, which assumes a working knowledge of the lyrics to "Yours Yours Yours" from "1776"
JOHN & ABIGAIL ADDAMS FAMILY theme song
Thanks if you have time to include this in your July 4 celebration, (it's under 90 seconds)
Friday, July 1, 2011
Some thoughts on Brooklyn vs. Manhattan, and my "Brooklyn Boy" video link
The Times had articles today on what people prefer, noise or quiet. But interestingly, the articles concentrated on Manhattan, where you really can't get away from the noise.
It occurred to me that in Brooklyn, you can find noise and excitement OR peace and quiet, depending on what you're in the mood for. I think this was even at the heart of that battle over the noise emanating from the concerts in Brooklyn's Seaside Park near Coney Island, and why people who think like Manhattan residents couldn't quite empathize with the Brooklyn residents.
Brooklyn offers you choices, noise and peace often within minutes of each other. Manhattan doesn't offer such a wide array of options. Here's an opinionated musical salute to peace of mind in Brooklyn (note, however, that I've opted not to live in Brooklyn any more, at least for now.)
BROOKLYN BOY video on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiQRDVKvf5Q
It occurred to me that in Brooklyn, you can find noise and excitement OR peace and quiet, depending on what you're in the mood for. I think this was even at the heart of that battle over the noise emanating from the concerts in Brooklyn's Seaside Park near Coney Island, and why people who think like Manhattan residents couldn't quite empathize with the Brooklyn residents.
Brooklyn offers you choices, noise and peace often within minutes of each other. Manhattan doesn't offer such a wide array of options. Here's an opinionated musical salute to peace of mind in Brooklyn (note, however, that I've opted not to live in Brooklyn any more, at least for now.)
BROOKLYN BOY video on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiQRDVKvf5Q
Saturday, June 25, 2011
With gay marriage having just passed in New York...
As all the LGBT-wedding musicals around town go into rewrites for a happier ending.... I did a quick rewrite of the verse to my LGBT musical's ending. Maybe it'll go over better with a happy ending anyway. :)
Here's the link:
Also, here's a YouTube link to about 10 minutes from the score:
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Airline Scanners in the news again, so here's the revised "PG-rated" FLY ME IN THE NUDE
Since those airport nude scanners are being talked about again, here's the revised "PG-rated" :) version of the FLY ME IN THE NUDE video
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A couple of FOLLIES take-offs on YouTube
HERE'S "I'M STILL QUEER" -COVERING 40 YEARS OF THEATRE
TO THE TUNE OF "I'M STILL HERE" -sung by Bill Parry
Speculating on Henry Miller’s ghost reconciling himself with the name change of the Henry Miller Theater to the Stephen Sondheim Theater - LOSING MY SIGN, tune of LOSING MY MIND from FOLLIES
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
After seeing FOLLIES in D.C. - revisiting a Sondheim take-off
HERE'S "I'M STILL QUEER" -COVERING 40 YEARS OF THEATRE TO THE TUNE OF "I'M STILL HERE" -sung by Bill Parry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt40nQGc1I4
Monday, May 16, 2011
Just kidding, but an affectionate parody of this year's Kleban award $100,000 winners
WHAT I DID GOT SNUBBED, parody of WHAT I DID FOR LOVE
Kleban Award 2011 parody
Kleban Award 2011 parody
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Mothers Day lead-up - kidding THE MOTHER WITH THE HAT & a KYLE'S MOM'S A B**** salute to Book of Mormon Tony noms
Kidding The Mother with the Hat and the possible Mother's Day confusion -
THE MOM WITH THE HAT
THE MOM WITH THE HAT
Kyle's Mom's A B**** parody - as Kyle's Mom of South Park reacts to the Book of Mormon Tony nominations
Friday, April 29, 2011
The royal wedding - crowd demands do-over for the First Royal Kiss
TRIBUTE TO THE ROYAL WEDDING - parody of "IT'S IN HIS KISS" -
"IT'S THEIR FIRST KISS -The Smooch Smooch Song" (May 1 update)
studio version sung by Jan Horvath, at the link below
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Parody of the Weird Al - Lady Gaga parody brouhaha
Parody of the Weird Al - Lady Gaga brouhaha, now resolved with the divine Lady Gaga's manager falling on his sword. We're fans of both, but why does the brilliant Weird Al ask if he's not ready to accept "no" as an answer?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A "Landau family edition" of Hollywood Gown parody
A more universal version of the Hollywood Gown video, not tied to any specific red carpet event. this one is a family thing, as I got some glamor photos of family to mix in here -
HOLLYWOOD GOWN "Landau family edition" - parody of Harriet Schock's Hollywood Town
P.S. Here again is the one from 2011's series that got best response in YouTube insight info:
HOLLYWOOD GOWN - "day after the Golden Globes version"
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
TIMES REPORTS "HAIR" IS COMING BACK - so we're bringing back our affectionate parody as well!
THE CAST OF "HAIR" INVADING THE AUDIENCE WAS A BIG STORY FOR THEATER FANS in 2009-2010, and NOW - THE TIMES REPORTS THAT THE "HAIR" REVIVAL COMING BACK FOR SUMMER 2011. SO HERE AGAIN IS OUR PARODY OF "AQUARIUS"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQQnN5liEAw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQQnN5liEAw
Sunday, April 10, 2011
No idea why this love song we'd been promoting suddenly went from 200 to 10,000 on YouTube, but so glad people are hearing it!
Right Nearby on YouTube - just a sweet uptempo love song from a show we stopped working on recently
We'd been lightly promoting it since Sept 2010, but out of nowhere, people have started watching it, and we do appreciate it.
P.S. For a varied selection (about 10 songs) of my original non-parody theater songs on YouTube: http://tinyurl.com/27n954m
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Kidding American Idol - Casey Abrams Tribute Band Parody - "Your Song"
The Casey Abrams Tribute Band (parody version), while sounding nothing like Casey, rushed out a parody of "Your Song" and the whole saving shebang!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Gershwins' spirits react to changes heirs are allowing
Gershwin parody (their spirits react to their heirs allowing so many changes) - Someone To Watch Our Estate :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF8tBUVE24E
P.S. Not sure why the heirs want the PORGY AND BESS changes, but since the heirs want this, at least it's in hands of people who seem most likely to respect the spirit of the work
Friday, March 11, 2011
A gentle PRISCILLA parody, only of the clever marketing, though :)
PRISCILLA / BETTE MIDLER / THE ROSE parody (parody-tribute of Amanda McBroom's classic)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5CCbK-Qvoc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5CCbK-Qvoc
Monday, February 28, 2011
Hollywood Gowns - Oscars Edition 2011
Cheated a little using the gown that James Franco wore twice, but hard to find stuff to put in the minus column gown-wise!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Why are so many people getting here through a week-old post on All That Chat?
If someone can comment, I'm anxious to know: Why are so many people getting here today by way of a post from All That Chat about Cactus Flower and Forty Carats, way down on the second page there from February 15, when it's February 23 now? This has never happened before, normally ATC link referral are all from that same day or the day before. Is something going on with Cactus Flower?
and now this is coming up from more than one person:
http://www.google.com/search?q=Fred+landau+blog&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari
WTF?
Are more than one person trying to do something on this site? Please email me at the AOL address dylan43rd or comment here, to assure me that nothing wrong is being done here, because it looks unlike anything that's ever happened here before.
and now this is coming up from more than one person:
http://www.google.com/search?q=Fred+landau+blog&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari
WTF?
Are more than one person trying to do something on this site? Please email me at the AOL address dylan43rd or comment here, to assure me that nothing wrong is being done here, because it looks unlike anything that's ever happened here before.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Last weekend of the Pacino MERCHANT, so...
...we bring back our most controversial video (in that it's the first time we've pretty much had to re-edit after YouTube views had built up due to a request from the show being parodied, but we did it gladly).
Al Pacino’s transfer to Broadway was big box office, so we imagine the producers trying to get him to extend
SHYLOCK, a parody of SKYLARK and the Pacino MERCHANT OF VENICE
Monday, February 14, 2011
Hollywood Gown Grammy Edition
So much tougher than usual, lots of eccentricity which others might have loved. So if anyone has any comments at all, please let me know.
P.S. For a varied selection (about 10 songs) of my original non-parody theater songs on YouTube: http://tinyurl.com/27n954m
HOLLYWOOD GOWN about GRAMMY NIGHT
P.S. For a varied selection (about 10 songs) of my original non-parody theater songs on YouTube: http://tinyurl.com/27n954m
Monday, February 7, 2011
Christina Aguilera National Anthem flub parody
Did Christina Aguilera actually sing "At the twilight's last reaming" last night before the Super Bowl? Sure sounded like it!
Christina Aguilera Star Spangled Banner parody - founding fathers watch and react (all in fun)
Christina Aguilera Star Spangled Banner parody - founding fathers watch and react (all in fun)
We love her - but this moment just cried out for parody.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
THEATER SQUAWK! act one - parody of Theater Talk [done w/OK of Susan Haskins & Michael Riedel to do a parody]
The action of Act 1 (shown here) takes place in 2010, a year of U.S. economic trouble.
"Theater Squawk, or My Dead Aunt Thanks You!”
Previous table-read had:
Lyrics by Fred Landau. Book co-written by Fred Landau & Jim Burns.
A one-act portion of this show was seen in production at John Chatterton’s Midtown Int’l Theater Festival, Feb. - March 2014, as “I Never Miss a Larry Kramer Musical.” MITF nominee that season for Best Production & Best Writing; and the cast was Jennifer Pace (MITF’s Best Actress winner for this show) & Clare Cooper, who was also music director. Staged & dramaturged by Michael Kirk Lane.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE PARODY VERSIONS [Note: Susan Boyle parody material, humor based mainly on her level of fame, was long before her health revelations in 2016. And of course, Elaine Stritch was very active on Broadway and also regionally in 2010.]
THE TV SHOW’S ANNOUNCER
Welcome to Theater Squawk, with today’s roundtable “MotownGirls: From the Apollo to Broadway” - and here are your hosts Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with composer Henry Krieger, director Bobby Longbottom, Tony winner Rita Whitebread, and the revival’s line producer Beyoncé Knowles.
[not realizing microphone still on] Oh my God, it’s really that Beyoncé, girl!
MICHAEL
And Susan and I are indeed talking with that Beyonce. And the rest! Queen Bey - you did the movie of MotownGirls, now you're spearheading the move of the Broadway show. Are you excited? That’s like Oprah with Color Purple, and Bette with Priscilla.
SUSAN
Aren’t you afraid people will expect to see you in it?
Aren’t you afraid people will expect to see you in it?
BEYONCE
During previews, I’ll be giving notes every day, twice on matinee days. Then, we’ll have a life-size photo area by the concession stand, which will look as if I were right there. [Cardboard cut-out of her appears]
During previews, I’ll be giving notes every day, twice on matinee days. Then, we’ll have a life-size photo area by the concession stand, which will look as if I were right there. [Cardboard cut-out of her appears]
HENRY
She’s had such wonderful ideas for marketing, and she’s been meeting with money people. MotownGirls is such an ensemble show onstage.
She’s had such wonderful ideas for marketing, and she’s been meeting with money people. MotownGirls is such an ensemble show onstage.
MICHAEL
In other words, you couldn’t get a big star on the stage doing all your killer great songs eight times a week?
In other words, you couldn’t get a big star on the stage doing all your killer great songs eight times a week?
BEYONCE & HENRY (IT TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY-
(tune of HARD TO SAY GOODBYE – Beyonce version from Dreamgirls )
(tune of HARD TO SAY GOODBYE – Beyonce version from Dreamgirls )
WE DIDN'T GET THOSE BIG NAMES.
WE HAVE TO DEPEND ON TALENT NOW,
AND WE WERE FINDING IT POINTLESS,
NO STARS TO GIVE IT THAT WOW.
WE HAVE TO DEPEND ON TALENT NOW,
AND WE WERE FINDING IT POINTLESS,
NO STARS TO GIVE IT THAT WOW.
IT LOOKED SO GOOD FOR A LONG TIME.
THE ART CAME TOGETHER SO WELL.
EVERYONE’S WORKING SO GREAT WITH EACH OTHER;
BUT WE’VE GOT NO DENZEL.
THE ART CAME TOGETHER SO WELL.
EVERYONE’S WORKING SO GREAT WITH EACH OTHER;
BUT WE’VE GOT NO DENZEL.
IT TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY, MY LOVE.
STARS TO TELL THEM WHY, MY LOVE.
WHY THEY SHOULD SPEND WILD AND FREE
WHEN THEY'RE NOT SURE WHO THEY’RE GONNA SEE.
WHY THEY SHOULD SPEND WILD AND FREE
WHEN THEY'RE NOT SURE WHO THEY’RE GONNA SEE.
IT’S SUCH A SHAME, IT AIN’T NO LIE
THAT WITHOUT A NAME, IT’S HARD TO MAKE THEM BUY
SUSAN (in an aside to Michael)That’s it, Michael. You heard them, too? Stars make people buy! This can’t be Theatre Squawk’s last season. I emailed the station, they gave us a fundraising week of half hours and you’ll use your connections and we’ll get the biggest names -
MICHAEL
Great idea, I’ll get on it
SUSAN
Of the people you didn’t upset, that is!
Of the people you didn’t upset, that is!
MICHAEL
We rise again! Full size again! It’s not where we start, it’s where we finish! Nobody does it like us! Fun, laughs, good times! Hey, look us over, mortgaged up to here!
We rise again! Full size again! It’s not where we start, it’s where we finish! Nobody does it like us! Fun, laughs, good times! Hey, look us over, mortgaged up to here!
(Song continues with ENTIRE CAST)
FOLKS LIKE TO BLAME THE DOWNTURN,
SOMETHING FACTS WON’T ALLOW.
WHEN A SHOW HAD HUGH OR SCARLETT.
WHEN A SHOW HAD HUGH OR SCARLETT.
THEY ALL FOUND LOTS OF CASH SOMEHOW.
THREE HUNDRED OR FOUR HUNDRED
MONEY FROM WHO KNOWS WHERE
BUT NO MATTER HOW HIGH IT MAY GO
YOU’VE GOT STARS, THE BUCKS WILL BE THERE
MONEY FROM WHO KNOWS WHERE
BUT NO MATTER HOW HIGH IT MAY GO
YOU’VE GOT STARS, THE BUCKS WILL BE THERE
IT TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY, MY LOVE.
WHO WOULD EVEN TRY, MY LOVE.
BROADWAY BUZZ IS OH SO POOR
WITHOUT THAT THING THEY CALL THE LURE.
WITHOUT THAT THING THEY CALL THE LURE.
GOT A GREAT PLAY?
YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS WILL TRY
IF YOU COMP THEM IN,
BUT IT’S STARS THAT MAKE THEM BUY
SUSAN (on phone)
Patti, that’s right, we’re doing an auction on our show, to keep our show going. You must have a few things laying around that you can’t use.
Patti, that’s right, we’re doing an auction on our show, to keep our show going. You must have a few things laying around that you can’t use.
MICHAEL (on phone)
Jerry, yes, I know, and we’ll build a special segment around your songs. Susan and I love Dolly, Mame, La Cage, Susan totally loves The Grand Tour… huh, what do I think of it...
Jerry, yes, I know, and we’ll build a special segment around your songs. Susan and I love Dolly, Mame, La Cage, Susan totally loves The Grand Tour… huh, what do I think of it...
SUSAN (on phone)
You can get me Susan Boyle? How did you swing that? What can she auction off, though? OK, we’ll have her do a makeover during the show and auction off the old wig and outfit.
You can get me Susan Boyle? How did you swing that? What can she auction off, though? OK, we’ll have her do a makeover during the show and auction off the old wig and outfit.
MICHAEL
It’s coming together, Susan. We’re buying ourselves at least another year. Thank you, Beyonce!
It’s coming together, Susan. We’re buying ourselves at least another year. Thank you, Beyonce!
BEYONCE & CAST (waving, air kisses)
IT’S SUCH A SHAME, IT AIN’T NO LIE
THAT WITHOUT A NAME, IT’S HARD TO MAKE THEM BUY
IT’S SUCH A SHAME, IT AIN’T NO LIE
THAT WITHOUT A NAME, IT’S HARD TO MAKE THEM BUY
IF YOU DON’T HAVE THOSE BIG NAMES
LOWER CHANCE OF SURVIVAL
IF YOU DON’T HAVE THOSE BIG NAMES
YOU’LL BE DEAD ON ARRIVAL
(IT'S SO HARD, BABY, WITH NO STARS.
YEAH, IT'S SO HARD, BABY, WITH NO STARS)
YEAH, IT'S SO HARD, BABY, WITH NO STARS)
(Some time has passed. It's the TV show's Auction Week fundraiser. )
THE TV SHOW’S ANNOUNCER
Back in the Theater Squawk Studio, here are Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with their special guests for this Auction Week spectacular, Patti LaBelle, now in FELA, and Patti LuPone, now in Sweeney.
Back in the Theater Squawk Studio, here are Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with their special guests for this Auction Week spectacular, Patti LaBelle, now in FELA, and Patti LuPone, now in Sweeney.
MICHAEL
And we are here, and we are – back from station identification. I have no idea why we have those identification breaks – from fundraising - when we’re on PBS. But we’re in our phone-in fundraising special week of Theater Squawk, so as Lady Gaga says, start calling, start calling.
And we are here, and we are – back from station identification. I have no idea why we have those identification breaks – from fundraising - when we’re on PBS. But we’re in our phone-in fundraising special week of Theater Squawk, so as Lady Gaga says, start calling, start calling.
SUSAN (mysteriously)
Will she be on later? You never know what big stars will stop by!
MICHAEL
That’s a surprise. Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, bookended by two great divas. Why exactly do we have you booked together? And for a segment with a lot of emphasis on Jerry Herman, for which neither of you is known.
That’s a surprise. Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, bookended by two great divas. Why exactly do we have you booked together? And for a segment with a lot of emphasis on Jerry Herman, for which neither of you is known.
LUPONE
I was supposed to do Hello Dolly, and I memorized the part, and you know me, I never throw anything away. And you, LaBelle, I’d say we must be side by side in someone’s Rolodex, but who still has a Rolodex?
I was supposed to do Hello Dolly, and I memorized the part, and you know me, I never throw anything away. And you, LaBelle, I’d say we must be side by side in someone’s Rolodex, but who still has a Rolodex?
LABELLE
My agent does. He gets calls for you all the time anyway! And he said if I were doing Beverly Hills Cop, I wouldn’t need back-up. But in this case, live on Broadway, more people would watch about FELA if we got you on same time as me.
My agent does. He gets calls for you all the time anyway! And he said if I were doing Beverly Hills Cop, I wouldn’t need back-up. But in this case, live on Broadway, more people would watch about FELA if we got you on same time as me.
LUPONE.
Who is this agent? He sounds smart. Can he book Sweeney at Ceasars? (waits for the laugh) Hmm, your writers were sure that would get a laugh. Can I make it up to you for that little joke by singing with you?
Who is this agent? He sounds smart. Can he book Sweeney at Ceasars? (waits for the laugh) Hmm, your writers were sure that would get a laugh. Can I make it up to you for that little joke by singing with you?
LABELLE
Try and stop you.
MICHAEL
And remember, get to the phones, because for our highest bidder, she’s auctioning off a package with two – that’s right, actually two – you get a whole pair - tickets to Fela.
And remember, get to the phones, because for our highest bidder, she’s auctioning off a package with two – that’s right, actually two – you get a whole pair - tickets to Fela.
LABELLE
And gluten-free dinner afterwards, cooked by me in my dressing room. Get to Ma Bell, and get to see LA-Belle. (hits the wrong accent to force the rhyme)
And gluten-free dinner afterwards, cooked by me in my dressing room. Get to Ma Bell, and get to see LA-Belle. (hits the wrong accent to force the rhyme)
SUSAN
Patti LaBelle and Patti LuPone try to get you to Le Phone with their take on
Patti LaBelle and Patti LuPone try to get you to Le Phone with their take on
LABELLE
A special Marmalade and New Attitude medley
A special Marmalade and New Attitude medley
LUPONE
No let’s do Anything Goes first. We’ll do yours right after, but this really sets up phoning in and the bidding on auction items – you see, in the lyric there, Michael?
No let’s do Anything Goes first. We’ll do yours right after, but this really sets up phoning in and the bidding on auction items – you see, in the lyric there, Michael?
MICHAEL
I love when a first number of a telethon is so on the nose your teeth start to ache.
I love when a first number of a telethon is so on the nose your teeth start to ache.
LUPONE
Here, I brought you some Anbesol, Michael honey! Your writers told me you were going to say that line about your teeth aching. They love me! They keep me prepared for you!
Here, I brought you some Anbesol, Michael honey! Your writers told me you were going to say that line about your teeth aching. They love me! They keep me prepared for you!
(Tune of ANYTHING GOES - both Patti's share the song)
(verse)
PATTI SINGS:
TELL THE FOLLOWERS ON YOUR BLOG
PATTI SINGS:
TELL THE FOLLOWERS ON YOUR BLOG
TELL YOUR FRIENDS AT YOUR SYNAGOGUE
TELL THE PEOPLE WHO WALK YOUR DOG
SUCH GREAT THINGS:
BUY YOURSELF A DELIGHTFUL GEM
PATTI KNOWS YOU’LL SLEEP LIKE A LOG
BUY YOURSELF A DELIGHTFUL GEM
PATTI KNOWS YOU’LL SLEEP LIKE A LOG
KNOWING YOU SUPPORTED THEM
A GOLDEN PLATED MOVIE TCHOTHCKE
THAT GARBO USED IN NINOTCHKA
AND IT’S HAND BLOWN
EVERYONE, PHONE!
EVERYONE, PHONE!
YOU WANT TO DRESS JUST LIKE MORTICIA WOULD!
OR SMELL GOOD LIKE CHARLES ISHA-WOOD!
TIMES COLOGNE! [SUSAN HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE]
EVERYONE PHONE!
YOU WANT WICKED TICKETS QUICK
OR SOME RUDNICK SHTICK
SONGS FOR SAMMY GLICK
A DOG AND PONY TRICK
SONGS FOR SAMMY GLICK
A DOG AND PONY TRICK
AND MAYBE FOR A KICK
YOU MIGHT CHOOSE TO PICK
A LATE BRUNCH WITH LUPONE
A LATE BRUNCH WITH LUPONE
SIT SECOND ROW FOR MERYL’S DAUGHTER
OR WATCH SUTTON DO COLE PAWTER
THAT GIRL HAS GROWN
EVERYONE PHONE
EVERYONE PHONE
EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE PHONE!
BUY GRANDMAMMA A DATE WITH GAVIN
OR TOP BIDDER JOINS MS. LAVIN
TO SHARE A SCONE!
EVERYONE PHONE
TO SHARE A SCONE!
EVERYONE PHONE
COME BID ON JON GROFF’S ACTING LESSON
LEARN DICTION SURE TO IMPRESS ANY FANS I’VE KNOWN
EVERYONE PHONE
WE’VE GOT SO MUCH STUFF TODAY
THOUGH IT’S TOUGH TODAY
BUY A MUFF TODAY
OR A PUFF TODAY
BUY A MUFF TODAY
OR A PUFF TODAY
OR A CUFF TODAY
BUT ENOUGH TODAY
BUT ENOUGH TODAY
HOPE IT’S STUFF YOU WANNA OWN
AND SO RIGHT THERE CELEBS ARE SITTING
TO ANSWER WHEN YOU START BIDDING,
TO SET THE TONE–
EVERYONE PHONE
EVERYONE PHONE
EVERYONE PHONE!!!!!
EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE PHONE!
EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE PHONE!
(big end to number)
LABELLE
Ooh, that felt good. That’ s for the show people, now to get my disco people to the phones so you guys can earn even more money for Theater Squawk and keep you on the air - and Michael, maybe get you out of the newspaper. And on radio or TV more, where you cause less trouble!
Ooh, that felt good. That’ s for the show people, now to get my disco people to the phones so you guys can earn even more money for Theater Squawk and keep you on the air - and Michael, maybe get you out of the newspaper. And on radio or TV more, where you cause less trouble!
LUPONE
And I’ll be doing your back-up this time - voulez vous chantez avec moi. Not too shabby for back-up, right?
MICHAEL
Wonderful, Patti. Now, remind us again, LaBelle, the incredibly generous prize from your FELA producers you’ve been auctioning off for our fund raiser
Wonderful, Patti. Now, remind us again, LaBelle, the incredibly generous prize from your FELA producers you’ve been auctioning off for our fund raiser
LABELLE
I have two tickets for FELA. Oh, but wait, Michael – there’s also a special visit backstage.
I have two tickets for FELA. Oh, but wait, Michael – there’s also a special visit backstage.
SUSAN
In your dressing room? That’s very special for someone who doesn’t get to do that normally -
In your dressing room? That’s very special for someone who doesn’t get to do that normally -
LABELLE
Of course. Photo ops. You’ll be there too, won’t you, Michael and Susan?
Of course. Photo ops. You’ll be there too, won’t you, Michael and Susan?
LUPONE
I won’t be able to. I’ll be doing my show and it’s longer than yours, but you all can drop by my theater and we’ll all go out afterwards. If someone’s paying and it’s free publicity for the show, my whole cast would love it. Just tell our doorman it’s Patti L’s group there for Patti L. There has never been a better cast full of –
I won’t be able to. I’ll be doing my show and it’s longer than yours, but you all can drop by my theater and we’ll all go out afterwards. If someone’s paying and it’s free publicity for the show, my whole cast would love it. Just tell our doorman it’s Patti L’s group there for Patti L. There has never been a better cast full of –
MICHAEL
Schnorrers?
Schnorrers?
LUPONE
No, Michael - troupers! They act, play instruments, and do photo-ops to sell tickets to a wonderful show. Free food just helps their attitude. See what I did there? Did I just do a transition for you, LaBelle? Food? Attitude?
No, Michael - troupers! They act, play instruments, and do photo-ops to sell tickets to a wonderful show. Free food just helps their attitude. See what I did there? Did I just do a transition for you, LaBelle? Food? Attitude?
LABELLE
We’ve got to get you into the ad jingle world. Or Vegas, Here we go! OK, come on down and see FELA. At the O’Neill, we won’t do Marmalade, we won’t do “Over the Rainbow” lying flat on our back, we won’t do “Not While I’m Around” -
We’ve got to get you into the ad jingle world. Or Vegas, Here we go! OK, come on down and see FELA. At the O’Neill, we won’t do Marmalade, we won’t do “Over the Rainbow” lying flat on our back, we won’t do “Not While I’m Around” -
LUPONE
I do that one in my show!
(She looks around, as if “aren’ t we Patti L’ s perfect together”)
I do that one in my show!
(She looks around, as if “aren’ t we Patti L’ s perfect together”)
LABELLE
Here’s another one we don’t do. So please don’t yell for it at FELA, but – I promise, some Broadway show in the future, we’ll get less serious – but bid on the two all-diva Patti’s attitude, instead of that Poor Attitude, and here’s why -
Here’s another one we don’t do. So please don’t yell for it at FELA, but – I promise, some Broadway show in the future, we’ll get less serious – but bid on the two all-diva Patti’s attitude, instead of that Poor Attitude, and here’s why -
(PATTI & PATTI - POOR ATTITUDE, tune of NEW ATTITUDE)
MICHAEL HERE, SUSAN THERE
THEY WORK SO HARD RUNNING EVERYWHERE
THEY WORK SO HARD RUNNING EVERYWHERE
THEY WORK EXTREEEEEEME-LY HARD
IN PERSON MIKE’S SO NICE, SO SWELL
YOU BETTER NOT BE GIVING ‘EM HELL
YOU BETTER NOT BE GIVING ‘EM HELL
THAT’S QUITE A TEAM – BOTH OF THEM
YOU SPENT SOME TIME OUT ON STAGE
ONE THING THAT YOU LEARN
THE FOLKS ON THIS SHOW ARE WORTH EACH PENNY THEY EARN
LOOK IT HERE, I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE
LET’S START THE BIDDING, HOPE YOU’RE NOW IN THE MOOD
PICK UP THE PHONE, EACH GAL AND DUDE
DON’T HAVE A POOR ATTITUDE
DON’T HAVE A POOR ATTITUDE
IT’S PRETTY CHEAP, WHAT YOU GET WILL INCLUDE -
A CHANCE TO JOIN THE STARS OF SWEENEY FOR FOOD
[LuPone fake-holds a cleaver as in Sweeney]
WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO’D
CHASE OFF YOUR POOR ATTITUDE
CHASE OFF YOUR POOR ATTITUDE
(SEGUE INTO LADY MARMALADE) (PATTI & PATTI) – OK, HERE WE GO!
FELA’S SWITCHIN’ SWITCHIN’ DIVAS
YES, YOUR DIVA IS LA BELLE
PICK UP THOSE DARN PHONE RECEIVERS
PICK UP THOSE DARN PHONE RECEIVERS
DON’T LOSE OUT, YOU MISSED DENZEL
(GET AUDIENCE CLAPPING MAYBE)
COME AND SEE THE PLAY AVEC MOI, CE SOIR
COME OUT TO THE PLAY AVEC MOI
MARMALADE WILL EARN A WAD.
HONEY GET YOUR GET YOUR VISA
SEE FELA AND SEE SWEENEY TODD
BABY, LET THIS DIVA SQUEEZE A
TIDY SUM FOR MARMALADE [HIT THE RHYME]
COME AND SEE THE PLAY AVEC MOI, CE SOIR
COME ON OUT AND PLAY AVEC MOI
MARMALADE WILL EARN A LOT!
(end of number)
(end of number)
MICHAEL
I thought you were also going to auction off one of your trademark wigs.
LABELLE
I was going to, but then LuPone there brought in all her good stuff, and there’ s no way I’m going to get outbid on national TV.
I was going to, but then LuPone there brought in all her good stuff, and there’ s no way I’m going to get outbid on national TV.
SUSAN
I remember. In Patti LuPone Live, you did a bit about taking things from the shows on closing nights, basically: (reading) "I steal costumes from every show I'm in. I steal costumes, I steal jewelry, I steal wigs. I'm surprised I leave the scenery."
I remember. In Patti LuPone Live, you did a bit about taking things from the shows on closing nights, basically: (reading) "I steal costumes from every show I'm in. I steal costumes, I steal jewelry, I steal wigs. I'm surprised I leave the scenery."
MICHAEL
As if you ever didn’t chew scenery
As if you ever didn’t chew scenery
LUPONE
What’s that you said, Michael? (he shrugs.) I didn’t think so.
LABELLE
I’m going to go warm up. FELA at the O’Neill, brilliant show, stunning reviews, but serious themes, so there are some select seats available. Please come.
I’m going to go warm up. FELA at the O’Neill, brilliant show, stunning reviews, but serious themes, so there are some select seats available. Please come.
SUSAN
LaBelle, ladies and gentlemen, big hand! And don’t forget to call and bid, two tickets to FELA, which she just made sound soooooo valuable and hard to get.
LaBelle, ladies and gentlemen, big hand! And don’t forget to call and bid, two tickets to FELA, which she just made sound soooooo valuable and hard to get.
LUPONE (very quickly)And then right after the show, dinner with LaBelle and LuPone, two all-diva Pattis and we’ll get our cast members to come along. It’s a Patti Party!!!
MICHAEL
A Patti Party – you’re good!
A Patti Party – you’re good!
LUPONE
Who’s paying for that dinner, by the way? Does the winner pay? or Theatre Squawk?
Who’s paying for that dinner, by the way? Does the winner pay? or Theatre Squawk?
MICHAEL
We’ll work that out. The divas are in the details. It’s about fundraising this week. Outflow comes next week. So show us the stuff you’ve got to sell.
We’ll work that out. The divas are in the details. It’s about fundraising this week. Outflow comes next week. So show us the stuff you’ve got to sell.
LUPONE
Ah, stuff is my middle name. You know that. Jerry Herman did this special bit for me when they announced my HELLO DOLLY production. It fell apart after they bought the props, but I had in my contract that I still got the stuff, so bid on what you see while I sing about - the stuff.
Ah, stuff is my middle name. You know that. Jerry Herman did this special bit for me when they announced my HELLO DOLLY production. It fell apart after they bought the props, but I had in my contract that I still got the stuff, so bid on what you see while I sing about - the stuff.
(Tune of JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME)
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A DIVA WHO ACQUIRES THINGS,
THERE’S A TCHOTCHKE AND RIGHT HOME WITH ME IT GOES.
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A DIVA WHO ACQUIRES THINGS,
LIKE JEWELRY, ACCESSORIES AND CLOTHES.
LIKE JEWELRY, ACCESSORIES AND CLOTHES.
IF THOSE OUTFITS AREN’T NEEDED,
I WILL TAKE THE ONE THAT’S BEADED:
JUST GIVE ANYTHING TO ME.
IF YOU’VE GOT AN EXTRA BONNET,
WATCH AS I SWOOP DOWN UPON IT
JUST GIVE ANYTHING TO ME.
IF THOSE SPATS ARE SLIGHTLY RATTY,
THAT IS QUITE OK WITH PATTI
I WILL TAKE IT IF IT’S FREE
IF THAT HAT IS KIND OF FADED,
I WILL TAKE IT IF IT’S FREE
IF THAT HAT IS KIND OF FADED,
THAT IS FINE ‘CAUSE I’M NOT JADED
WONDER WHAT ALL THIS COULD GET ON EBAY
JUST GIVE ANYTHING TO ME
(Michael) - Where to, Patti?
(Patti) - To the prop room, to make sure there isn’t anything they may have – accidentally - left behind
(Patti) - To the prop room, to make sure there isn’t anything they may have – accidentally - left behind
(Michael) - Gonna take any of it home, Patti?
(Patti) - Why, Mr. Riedelander, whatever put such a nefarious idea into my head—oops, your head!)
(Patti) - Why, Mr. Riedelander, whatever put such a nefarious idea into my head—oops, your head!)
IF YOU HAVE AN EXTRA HAMMER,
GIVE IT UP, THE HECK WITH GLAMOUR:
JUST GIVE EVERYTHING TO ME.
IF YOU HAVE A LACY HANKY,
SO IT’S DIRTY, I’M NOT CRANKY:
JUST GIVE EVERYTHING TO ME.
IF YOU HAVE A LACY HANKY,
SO IT’S DIRTY, I’M NOT CRANKY:
JUST GIVE EVERYTHING TO ME.
IF YOU HAVE A TROLLEY CUSHION,
PARDON ME IF I AM PUSHIN’,
THAT WOULD FIT ME TO A T.
IF A TRINKET CAN BE LIFTED,
USED AGAIN, AND THEN RE-GIFTED--
THAT WOULD FIT ME TO A T.
IF A TRINKET CAN BE LIFTED,
USED AGAIN, AND THEN RE-GIFTED--
DON'T BE AFRAID KIDS,
I’M THE LAST TO LEAVE, SO I’LL CLEAN UP!
I’M THE LAST TO LEAVE, SO I’LL CLEAN UP!
I WILL TALK ABOUT IT ON THE TALK SHOWS
I WILL BRAG ABOUT IT WITH BRAVADO
I'LL REMEMBER IT IN ALL MY MEMOIRS
JUST –
GIVE ANYTHING TO ME! (bow)
GIVE ANYTHING TO ME! (bow)
MICHAEL
And now ladies and gentlemen, if that didn’t send you to the phones, this will. The biggest star of 2010, the true rags to riches story of these economic hard times – She dreamed a dream of days gone by – and she may even auction off a “before” frock - from before one of her many makeovers, so don’t let the chance go by to phone in and make our dream happen –
Here’s Miss Susan Boyle!
And now ladies and gentlemen, if that didn’t send you to the phones, this will. The biggest star of 2010, the true rags to riches story of these economic hard times – She dreamed a dream of days gone by – and she may even auction off a “before” frock - from before one of her many makeovers, so don’t let the chance go by to phone in and make our dream happen –
Here’s Miss Susan Boyle!
SUSAN HASKINS
She’s not ready yet, getting a makeover backstage. (notices letter in his hand) What’s that? Look in your hand! What’s the letter?
She’s not ready yet, getting a makeover backstage. (notices letter in his hand) What’s that? Look in your hand! What’s the letter?
LAWYER LETTER READ ALOUD
Dear Michael, As Executor of your Aunt’ s will, you should know she was proud of your TV persona and worried to hear that Theater Squawk was having financial trouble. It leaves the show enough money to keep "Theater Squawk" running for the next 20 years. But it's contingent on Michael gaining forgiveness of the "targets" who would no longer talk to him after he ripped them in the paper. If you can get five of these on the TV program, and to sit through the full interview without walking out, Theater Squawk gets the $2,000,000 to run the next 20 years! And the only time restriction is that – you have to do it before Spider- Man recoups!
MICHAEL
This sounds complicated. My poor dead aunt! I wonder if coming up with these terms for her will is what killed her.
SUSAN
Dear Michael, As Executor of your Aunt’ s will, you should know she was proud of your TV persona and worried to hear that Theater Squawk was having financial trouble. It leaves the show enough money to keep "Theater Squawk" running for the next 20 years. But it's contingent on Michael gaining forgiveness of the "targets" who would no longer talk to him after he ripped them in the paper. If you can get five of these on the TV program, and to sit through the full interview without walking out, Theater Squawk gets the $2,000,000 to run the next 20 years! And the only time restriction is that – you have to do it before Spider- Man recoups!
MICHAEL
This sounds complicated. My poor dead aunt! I wonder if coming up with these terms for her will is what killed her.
SUSAN
So let’s see, are all these people really upset with you:
The star of A Little Bright Music, Elaine Stritch, who you called demanding
The producers of The Merchandise of Venice, you know the problem
The backers of Sunny Girl, who (right or wrong) blame you for the show dying
The producers of Chicago, where you dissed Christie Brinkley sight unseen
And - a few more - can we get five of these. Michael?
And - a few more - can we get five of these. Michael?
MICHAEL
Hmm, this Christie Brinkley one, I can get rid of right now. I’d love to be able to stop toadying up to these people for things to bid on for money, and just toady up for interviews again. That column on Christie was all a big misunderstanding. That wasn’t a bad column. I just said they were more interested in her first for money than her voice. It’s a - well, a fact.
SUSAN
The title of the article was: “UPTOWN GIRL OR UPCHUCK GIRL–PUTTING THE GROSS IN WEEKLY GROSS ”
MICHAEL
Susan, I did not write that title.
Susan, I did not write that title.
SUSAN
Can you prove it to them?
Can you prove it to them?
MICHAEL
I’m on it right now. I’ll have them on our show next week. We’ll have one out the five we need before you can say “Razzle dazzle.”
I’m on it right now. I’ll have them on our show next week. We’ll have one out the five we need before you can say “Razzle dazzle.”
SUSAN (calls after him)
Michael, Michael. After the show! This is not part of the deal. You’re not supposed to leave... me... alone out here. What should we do?
Michael, Michael. After the show! This is not part of the deal. You’re not supposed to leave... me... alone out here. What should we do?
ANNOUNCER
You could, maybe, interview a guest.
You could, maybe, interview a guest.
SUSAN
Without Michael?
Without Michael?
ANNOUNCER
You used to do it just fine before Theater Squawk started. I’ll see if Susan Boyle is out of makeup.
You used to do it just fine before Theater Squawk started. I’ll see if Susan Boyle is out of makeup.
SUSAN
Michael, hurry back, I miss you already.
Michael, hurry back, I miss you already.
AT BARRY & FRAN WEISSLER'S OFFICE AT THE PIANO
MICHAEL [“Barry” can be the pianist]Barry, Fran, Christie Brinkley, oh my God, Christie, I still can't believe you yourself really came to this meeting? {in his mind back in high school}
Hey, Mr. Grazer from gym class, who’s a jerk-off now?
[back to Christie] You see, Miss Brinkley, this video shows beyond a shadow of a doubt I really don’t write the headlines.
FRAN
Nice summation, Michael. Possible Billy Flynn for the Vegas company, Barry, maybe? I'll have the guys at Casting Couch call you to set up a call back. You’re nasty, but you’re still cute. They’ll eat you up.
Nice summation, Michael. Possible Billy Flynn for the Vegas company, Barry, maybe? I'll have the guys at Casting Couch call you to set up a call back. You’re nasty, but you’re still cute. They’ll eat you up.
CHRISTIE
And the nasty editor guy who wrote that title of the article won’t be at the TV taping?
MICHAEL
I promise! [They all cheer.]
(UPTURN GIRL , tune of UPTOWN GIRL - Christie in ”Chicago”)
DOUGH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH
DOUGH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH
UPTURN GIRL,
CHRISTIE’S ROCKING OUR INVESTORS’ WORLD
CHRISTIE’S ROCKING OUR INVESTORS’ WORLD
WE’D HAD A LOT OF TIMES OUR WEEKLY NUT
MAY HAVE SUGGESTED IT WAS TIME TO SHUT
IT SCARED US BUT -
NOW OUR UPTURN GIRL
WILL GET THE AUDIENCE FROM ‘ROUND THE WORLD
AS LONG AS CHRISTIE’S HERE TO SELL A SEAT
NO WAY WE’RE GOING DOWNWARD IN DEFEAT
NO WAY WE’RE GOING DOWNWARD IN DEFEAT
THAT'S WHAT WE’LL TWEET
AND SOON SHE’LL KNOW WHAT
THE PRESS WILL OPI-I-INE
AND SOON SHE’LL HEAR
IF THEY CHEER OR THEY WHI-I-INE
AND SOON SHE’LL HEAR
IF THEY CHEER OR THEY WHI-I-INE
SHE'LL KNOW IF AFTER ALL
SHE SHOULD STAY
ON THROUGH FALL
SHE’S OUR UPTURN GIRL
YOU KNOW THAT BARRY LIKES TO BE A CHURL
YOU KNOW THAT BARRY LIKES TO BE A CHURL
BUT BARRY’S SMILING IN OUR FIFTEENTH YEAR
AND PRAYING CHRISTIE WILL WANT TO APPEAR
WHEN SUMMER’S HERE
DOUGH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH
DOUGH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH
UPTURN GIRL
THERE’S OUR UPTURN GIRL
THERE’S OUR UPTURN GIRL
OUR GROSS WILL MEAN LOVE
FOR OUR UPTURN GIRL
OUR UPTURN GIRL
YOU KNOW CASH IS LOVE
OUR UPTURN GIRL
YOU KNOW CASH IS LOVE
FOR OUR UPTURN GIRL
BACK AT THE STUDIO
SUSAN the host (spoken to announcer)
Is Susan Boyle ready yet?
ANNOUNCER
Not yet, Claudia in wardrobe is having fun with accessories.
We’ll auction the things after she wears them. And she’s coordinating her with Lea – shoot, I gave away the surprise. I mean, she’s coordinating her with, oh feh, just keep going, you’re doing fine, our Susan.
SUSAN (into phone)
Elaine Stritch is here, Michael. She says everyone calls her demanding. She’s really mad at you for saying it in print five times in one week, so your aunt was right - but she's got a theater to fill, so we can count on her to yell at you on TV about it any time we want – so she’s an easy one of the five.
Elaine Stritch is here, Michael. She says everyone calls her demanding. She’s really mad at you for saying it in print five times in one week, so your aunt was right - but she's got a theater to fill, so we can count on her to yell at you on TV about it any time we want – so she’s an easy one of the five.
MICHAEL (into phone)
So I’ve got Christie Brinkley and her producers of Chicago Barry and Fran Weissler! You’ve got Elaine Stritch committed! That’s 2 out of 5! We’re on our way! Hey, should I be calling anyone to at least be mourning this generous dead aunt? No, there’s not even a name of the next of kin or funeral info on the lawyer’s letter.
So I’ve got Christie Brinkley and her producers of Chicago Barry and Fran Weissler! You’ve got Elaine Stritch committed! That’s 2 out of 5! We’re on our way! Hey, should I be calling anyone to at least be mourning this generous dead aunt? No, there’s not even a name of the next of kin or funeral info on the lawyer’s letter.
ELAINE
Really, Susan, if I had a hundred dollars for every reporter who called me cheap- now that’s a nice thought. This is so nice, though, isn't it? I get to talk so much more than when Michael’ s here.
Really, Susan, if I had a hundred dollars for every reporter who called me cheap- now that’s a nice thought. This is so nice, though, isn't it? I get to talk so much more than when Michael’ s here.
SUSAN
Of course, you’ve brought in some signed hats from Target for viewers to bid on and – a signed piece of Mahler
Of course, you’ve brought in some signed hats from Target for viewers to bid on and – a signed piece of Mahler
ELAINE
Signed by me, not Mahler. Let’s see if this can get the kind of numbers LuPone gets. Lord know they’re not courting us older folks with the Broadway shows that they’re doing these days - like Spider-Man Turn Off the Senior Citzens that Michael is picking on, and the more he picks the more it sells and sells. And when I went on to buy tickets the other day, I didn’t really go online by the way I really always get seats to everything for free, but I need to say so for the musical shtick I’m about to do; it was like the computer knew just how old I was -
Signed by me, not Mahler. Let’s see if this can get the kind of numbers LuPone gets. Lord know they’re not courting us older folks with the Broadway shows that they’re doing these days - like Spider-Man Turn Off the Senior Citzens that Michael is picking on, and the more he picks the more it sells and sells. And when I went on to buy tickets the other day, I didn’t really go online by the way I really always get seats to everything for free, but I need to say so for the musical shtick I’m about to do; it was like the computer knew just how old I was -
(HIP! - tune of ZIP! which Stritch did in PAL JOEY)
(verse)
I WANTED TO SEE CURLY AND LAURIE
IN THAT RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN STORY
I WANTED TO SEE MISS JOHANSSON
AND THE SESSION I HAD ON THAT TICKETING SITE
I WANTED TO SEE CURLY AND LAURIE
IN THAT RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN STORY
I WANTED TO SEE MISS JOHANSSON
AND THE SESSION I HAD ON THAT TICKETING SITE
COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN LESS ENTRANCIN’
SO I TEXTED TO THE TICKETCHARGE CENTER
WHERE I TYPED A BIT AND THEN HIT ENTER
WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR US ELDERS
TO GET ANY DECENT VIEW
WHY ARE GOOD SEATS SO HARD TO GET, AND THEY SAID:
"LOOK, OLD DAME, OUR DEMOGRAPHIC AIN’T YOU!"
HIP! HON, OUR AUDIENCE IS SKEWING TOO OLD
HIP! WE WANT YOUNG FOLK WHO ARE WITH-IT AND BOLD
HIP! WE CAN TELL THAT YOU ARE SIXTY OR MORE
HIP! IN OUR STATS, THAT TELLS US YOU WANNA SHNORR
HIP! IN OUR STATS, THAT TELLS US YOU WANNA SHNORR
WE WOULD LIKE A CROWD THAT’S THIRTY
GIVE THEM GAGA IN SOME VERDI
HIP!
YES, WE WANT ‘EM YOUNGER
HIP!
YES, WE WANT ‘EM YOUNGER
WANT SOME HOTTIES WITH ÉLAN, YA
OFFER ZAC IN UNCLE VANYA
HIP!
OLD FOLK ARE FROM HUNGER
HIP!
OLD FOLK ARE FROM HUNGER
HIP! ASK THIS BROAD FOR SOME ADVICE, SHE REPEATS
HIP! WE’RE ALL HIP IF WE FILL SEATS!
(spoken) Well, I'd better save something to complain about for when Michael is back next time.
SUSAN (as Elaine kisses her goodbye)
Aaaaand --We’re on a station break. (into phone) Yes, control room, what’s that? Susan Boyle is still not ready? What happened, is she having plastic surgery or something? [moment] Seriously. You’re giving her collagen backstage. Are we licensed for that? [moment] We are? How about insurance? I can’t kill time like this. I’m out of practice. Totally out of practice!
Aaaaand --We’re on a station break. (into phone) Yes, control room, what’s that? Susan Boyle is still not ready? What happened, is she having plastic surgery or something? [moment] Seriously. You’re giving her collagen backstage. Are we licensed for that? [moment] We are? How about insurance? I can’t kill time like this. I’m out of practice. Totally out of practice!
ANNOUNCER
Callers are screaming for a number from you, Susan. Come on, can we give it up for a number from our own Susan while she waits for Michael to get back?
Callers are screaming for a number from you, Susan. Come on, can we give it up for a number from our own Susan while she waits for Michael to get back?
SUSAN
No, please, please, please, I couldn’t – well, okay, remain seated, no standing ovation needed. There is this Lorelei Lee bit I do at parties. You can sit down, too, I’ll do the number – oh, you work here, that’s why you’re standing?
(starts being Lorelei)
It’s my theory that standing makes people lose track of the cheering and online praising they should be doing. It’s just the audience seems to applaud louder and more consistently when a standing O is not involved, but really the most important thing is what you can do on your rear end when you get home – you can spread – what? You know what I mean -
You can spread - Word of mouth on the internet!
It’s my theory that standing makes people lose track of the cheering and online praising they should be doing. It’s just the audience seems to applaud louder and more consistently when a standing O is not involved, but really the most important thing is what you can do on your rear end when you get home – you can spread – what? You know what I mean -
You can spread - Word of mouth on the internet!
CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND
Tune of DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND
Tune of DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND
AN OLD FASHIONED HAND MAY BE QUITE CONSEQUENTIAL
BUT STANDING IS THE WORLD’S WORST TREND
A HAND THAT IS GRAND MAY MAKE SOME DIFFERENTIAL
A HAND THAT IS GRAND MAY MAKE SOME DIFFERENTIAL
BUT AS PEOPLE STAND,
THE THUND’ROUS HAND CAN SOUND LESS GRAND
GIVE OUR SHOW
A STANDING O
AND THE SOUND’S SURE TO WANDER NO END
THE CHEERS TENDS TO MUFFLE
A STANDING O
AND THE SOUND’S SURE TO WANDER NO END
THE CHEERS TENDS TO MUFFLE
FROM ALL THAT KERFUFFLE
STANDING IS A WORTHLESS TREND
THERE MAY COME A TIME FOR A “BRAVO” OR “BRAVA”
BUT STANDING IS THE WORLD’S WORST TREND
THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN A CAST’S HOT AS LAVA
THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN A CAST’S HOT AS LAVA
A VOLCANIC FORCE,
SHOUT TIL YOU’RE HOARSE THAT’S NICE OF COURSE.
I REPEAT
POST FROM YOUR SEAT
IF YOU STAND WE MAY NOT COMPREHEND
LOOKS MAY BE DECEIVING,
POST FROM YOUR SEAT
IF YOU STAND WE MAY NOT COMPREHEND
LOOKS MAY BE DECEIVING,
WE MAY THINK YOU'RE LEAVING
STANDING IS A WORTHLESS TREND
GO TEXT YOUR PRAISES
STANDING IS THE WORLD'S WORST TREND
TWEET CHEERS AND BRAVOS
NOW HERE’S THE POINT -
CHATTING IS A SHOW’S BEST FRIEND!
A BIG STANDING O MAY BE QUITE ORNAMENTAL
BUT CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND
TO STAND IS A SHOW BUT MY QUAINT CITY RENTAL
TO STAND IS A SHOW BUT MY QUAINT CITY RENTAL
COSTS TWO THOUSAND PLUS
SO IF WE FUSS, WELL PARDON US
WE'RE NO FOOLS
WE KNOW THE RULES
STANDING O'S DON'T MEAN YOU'LL RECOMMEND
I HATE TO BE PUSHY, JUST POST FROM YOUR TUSHY
WE'RE NO FOOLS
WE KNOW THE RULES
STANDING O'S DON'T MEAN YOU'LL RECOMMEND
I HATE TO BE PUSHY, JUST POST FROM YOUR TUSHY
'CAUSE CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND!
DON’T LET OUR BUZZ FADE!
CHATTING IS A SHOW'S - BEST - FRIEND
LUPONE (entering)
Mandy’s waiting with our families backstage, but we can hang out and keep you company until Michael gets back. (calling out) Mandy honey, I know you’re not scheduled for the show until tomorrow, do you mind doing a preview of what you’ll be doing on tomorrow’s show?
Mandy’s waiting with our families backstage, but we can hang out and keep you company until Michael gets back. (calling out) Mandy honey, I know you’re not scheduled for the show until tomorrow, do you mind doing a preview of what you’ll be doing on tomorrow’s show?
MANDY (over speakers)
I’d rather not sing anything I have planned for tomorrow. Only because I’ve got my auction stuff tied to my numbers for tomorrow's show. But I’d love to help out. Hey, do you think we can get Susan Boyle to do a few numbers with us at Avery Fisher Hall next week? Triplets, maybe? That's Entertainment? A surprise (winks) guest.
I’d rather not sing anything I have planned for tomorrow. Only because I’ve got my auction stuff tied to my numbers for tomorrow's show. But I’d love to help out. Hey, do you think we can get Susan Boyle to do a few numbers with us at Avery Fisher Hall next week? Triplets, maybe? That's Entertainment? A surprise (winks) guest.
LUPONE
Shh, I’m doing two numbers with her later. She’d love to. But that Simon Cowell think we’re “too Broadway ” - can you imagine? LuPone and Patinkin, too Broadway?
Shh, I’m doing two numbers with her later. She’d love to. But that Simon Cowell think we’re “too Broadway ” - can you imagine? LuPone and Patinkin, too Broadway?
ANNOUNCER
Here she is, the breakout international star of 2010, Susan Boyle,
Here she is, the breakout international star of 2010, Susan Boyle,
(SUSAN BOYLE enters, MICHAEL behind her taking his seat.)
LUPONE
Susan, what a lovely outfit.
Susan, what a lovely outfit.
SUSAN BOYLE (fake-fake-fake over-acting nervous)
Miss LuPone, I originally sang this song with Miss Elaine Page and I was wondering...
Miss LuPone, I originally sang this song with Miss Elaine Page and I was wondering...
LUPONE
Oh you took so long getting dressed, and you and I rehearsed the damn number, let’ s just do it, honey, cut the fake chatter, you’re the bigger name right this second and I love that you’re giving me your time.
Oh you took so long getting dressed, and you and I rehearsed the damn number, let’ s just do it, honey, cut the fake chatter, you’re the bigger name right this second and I love that you’re giving me your time.
(SUSAN BOYLE and PATTI LUPONE – I Know Him So Well)
NOTHING IS SO GOOD WE DON’T GET SICK OF IT,
EVEN TALES OF RICHES OUT OF RAGS,
AND THIS ONE KEPT ME IN THE THICK OF IT,
AND THIS ONE KEPT ME IN THE THICK OF IT,
HEARING FAR TOO MUCH, IT NOW JUST DRAGS,
LOOKING BACK, IT MIGHT HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY,
COULD HAVE BEEN A SUBTLER, SOFTER SELL
BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE WHEN COWELL’S INVOLVED,
BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE WHEN COWELL’S INVOLVED,
GOODNESS GRACIOUS NO, THEY KNOW ME (YOU) WELL
WASN'T IT FUN
(OH SUCH FUN)
WHEN SHE APPEARED?
(I APPEARED)
THEY WERE ALL GOBSMACKED,
THE SHOCK SEEMED WEIRD
AND NOW MY FRIEND
I NEED A LITTLE BIT
OF DISTANCE MY DEAR,
IT HAS BECOME SO CLEAR,
(EACH TIME I SEE HER ALL MADE OVER)
THEY KNOW ME (YOU) TOO WELL
(bow and LUPONE and SUSAN BOYLE hug, wipe tears away and exit.)
SUSAN HASKINS
Michael, where were you?
MICHAEL.
Oh please. I was watching you on my phone. You were killing without me!
Oh please. I was watching you on my phone. You were killing without me!
SUSAN
Well, I felt like I was dying!
(back to camera)
Well, she got her start in Spring Awakening on Broadway and look at her now! Here’s that clip of her at the Tonys.
Well, I felt like I was dying!
(back to camera)
Well, she got her start in Spring Awakening on Broadway and look at her now! Here’s that clip of her at the Tonys.
LEA (from offstage)
Do we actually have to sit here watching that number? I don’t really like that clip.
Do we actually have to sit here watching that number? I don’t really like that clip.
MICHAEL
No we don’t actually watch it. They watch it at home. Your fans keel over it! Let’s get you all set up.
No we don’t actually watch it. They watch it at home. Your fans keel over it! Let’s get you all set up.
SUSAN
We’re back.
MICHAEL
So what were you thinking during that? Does it make sense you’d lost the part in Funny Girl? What I kept reading is that maybe you’d gotten a shot at a FUNNY LADY remake for afterward, that John Kander actually loves you so much, even though Jule Styne’s family for FUNNY GIRL never heard of you.
So what were you thinking during that? Does it make sense you’d lost the part in Funny Girl? What I kept reading is that maybe you’d gotten a shot at a FUNNY LADY remake for afterward, that John Kander actually loves you so much, even though Jule Styne’s family for FUNNY GIRL never heard of you.
LEA
Is that right?
MICHAEL
Some people on a chat board swore that about FUNNY LADY, and it is on google.
Some people on a chat board swore that about FUNNY LADY, and it is on google.
SUSAN
So it can be cited and kept in a PDF.
So it can be cited and kept in a PDF.
LEA
Well, it’s complicated. I was so glad to have the opportunity to do it, and Matthew Morrison has sort of shown his stuff so well.
Well, it’s complicated. I was so glad to have the opportunity to do it, and Matthew Morrison has sort of shown his stuff so well.
SUSAN
And Michael, just so you know, while you were away, the Fanny backers your aunt wanted you to make peace with called, said they never thought you were a bad man, just a sinner, and they’d come on the show.
And Michael, just so you know, while you were away, the Fanny backers your aunt wanted you to make peace with called, said they never thought you were a bad man, just a sinner, and they’d come on the show.
MICHAEL
This is like 4 out of 5 of the people to make peace with under the will that came pretty easy! The last one’s gonna take some work, I hope - or we have no drama for the second act, huh?
This is like 4 out of 5 of the people to make peace with under the will that came pretty easy! The last one’s gonna take some work, I hope - or we have no drama for the second act, huh?
(I’d Rather a Jew – Funny Girl casting)
Parody of I’D RATHER BE BLUE - starts with a guy singing to Lea, a bit starstruck
Parody of I’D RATHER BE BLUE - starts with a guy singing to Lea, a bit starstruck
WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE
THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE’D RATHER A JEW, OR HALF-JEW,
THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE’D RATHER A JEW, OR HALF-JEW,
THAN A FANNY WHO’S GOYISH AND CUTE
A SHIKSA MIGHT CLICK, SIR
FOR HICKS, SIR,
BUT NOT IN NEW YORK!
THEY’D ASK THIS REAL QUICK, SIR
FOR HICKS, SIR,
BUT NOT IN NEW YORK!
THEY’D ASK THIS REAL QUICK, SIR
“YOU’RE SURE THAT’S YOUR PICK, SIR?”
DON’T POP THAT CORK!
YOU’LL NEED A LITTLE OY, LITTLE VEY, LITTLE ZMIR
AND THE RIGHT KIND OF NOSE
THEY’LL TELL YA IT’S A FACT,
AND THE RIGHT KIND OF NOSE
THEY’LL TELL YA IT’S A FACT,
SHE CAN ACT, BUT AN ACT -
IS THAT AS FAR AS IT GOES?
WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE
THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE MUST HAVE AT LEAST A HALF-JEW
THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE MUST HAVE AT LEAST A HALF-JEW
YOU NEED SOMEONE LIKE LEA MICHELE
[Lea gestures “who me” as if this were not rehearsed]
WILL SHE BE BAD, WILL SHE BE GOOD,
SHE WILL BE GREAT, YOU FOOL
A FANNY BRICE WILL NOT SUFFICE,
A FANNY BRICE WILL NOT SUFFICE,
UNLESS SHE GOES TO SHUL
FILLING THE HOUSE, YOU’LL HEAR THEM GROUSE,
“YOU NEED JEWISH BLOOD TO PLEASE.
TO FILL BARBRA’S SHOES, YOU GOTTA USE
TO FILL BARBRA’S SHOES, YOU GOTTA USE
SOMEONE WITH BROOKLYN EASE ”
[LEA
Cross the Bronx with Tenafly, it might as well be Brooklyn!]
Cross the Bronx with Tenafly, it might as well be Brooklyn!]
BOYS
(back to song) WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE
THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE, WELL SO NU
BUT DEAR LEA,
WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE, WELL SO NU
BUT DEAR LEA,
YOUR VOICE MAKES US KVE-E-E-ELLL
BLUE YES IT’S TRUE,
WE’D RATHER A JEW OR HALF-JEW
WE WERE HOP-HOP-HOP-HOP-ING
FOR SOMEBODY SWE-E-E-E-E-ELLL
WE’D RATHER A JEW OR HALF-JEW
WE WERE HOP-HOP-HOP-HOP-ING
FOR SOMEBODY SWE-E-E-E-E-ELLL
LEA
DO THE ENDING WE GAVE YOU, THIS WILL GO NETWORK, BOYS
DO THE ENDING WE GAVE YOU, THIS WILL GO NETWORK, BOYS
BOYS
WE’D BE HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-PY
WE’D BE HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-PY
WITH LE-A MICH-E-E-E-E-E-E-ELE.
LEA
Aw, shucks, guys. I’d even take the TV movie remake if they offered it!
Aw, shucks, guys. I’d even take the TV movie remake if they offered it!
(musical flourish, end of number)
(BOW FOR LEA MICHELE SECTION. The TV show is over for the day.)
(BOW FOR LEA MICHELE SECTION. The TV show is over for the day.)
MICHAEL
Thank you, Lea, that was thrilling. That was a great show. And your package for our auction was a great seller.
Thank you, Lea, that was thrilling. That was a great show. And your package for our auction was a great seller.
LEA
Michael, you guys have always been good to me. Well, Susan, you have. And Michael, you’ve come around so well since I’ve been on TV. But be good to my friends, OK? I’m always here for them – and you.
Michael, you guys have always been good to me. Well, Susan, you have. And Michael, you’ve come around so well since I’ve been on TV. But be good to my friends, OK? I’m always here for them – and you.
MICHAEL
Is that a quid pro quo
LEA
Like one hand washes the other? {Lea kisses both, Michael on both cheeks, and leaves.}
MICHAEL
You see, if we get my dead aunt’s two million, we don’t have to wash hands.
SUSAN
Okay, so Barry and Fran are booked with Christie Brinkley. Stritch will come on and yell at you whenever you like. And the Fanny Brice folk were already here.
Okay, so Barry and Fran are booked with Christie Brinkley. Stritch will come on and yell at you whenever you like. And the Fanny Brice folk were already here.
MICHAEL
Can we get one of those score boards like in “1776” if this ever moves to a bigger room?
So we’ve got the Merchandise of Venice. All I said was that the summer run was a cover for the later Broadway run. Why would that have upset Pacino?
Can we get one of those score boards like in “1776” if this ever moves to a bigger room?
So we’ve got the Merchandise of Venice. All I said was that the summer run was a cover for the later Broadway run. Why would that have upset Pacino?
SUSAN (reading)
Hmm...This production brings with it a fear never seen before on Broadway, of being too close when Mr. Pacino explodes with intensity, but still needing to see the show. TOO close? TOO close? He might have gotten upset because of that.
Hmm...This production brings with it a fear never seen before on Broadway, of being too close when Mr. Pacino explodes with intensity, but still needing to see the show. TOO close? TOO close? He might have gotten upset because of that.
Oh, that’s my own cue to sing? Which cards are the lyrics on?
(SHYLOCK – tune of SKYLARK)
SHYLOCK -
HAVE YOU ANYTHING BACK IN ROW Z
I CAN’T HANDLE SUCH INTENSITY
BUT IN MY WORLD I CAN’T EXIST
IF FRIENDS KNOW THAT I HAVE MISSED -
I CAN’T HANDLE SUCH INTENSITY
BUT IN MY WORLD I CAN’T EXIST
IF FRIENDS KNOW THAT I HAVE MISSED -
SHYLOCK
JUST ROW E, AND FOR FOUR HUNDRED EACH
JUST ROW E, AND FOR FOUR HUNDRED EACH
I COULD PUT IN PLUGS FOR EACH BIG SPEECH
BUT I’D PREFER SEATS FAR AWAY
NEED TO SAY I SAW THE PLAY
NEED TO SAY I SAW THE PLAY
MAYBE REAR MEZZANINE
WHEN HE STARTS TO GET TREATED MEAN
WHEN HE STARTS TO GET TREATED MEAN
THE SHOUTING WILL BE
FAINT AS A NORMAL GUY
FAINT AS A NORMAL GUY
GENTLE AS A HUM
HECK, I’D EVEN PAY YOU PREMIUM
HECK, I’D EVEN PAY YOU PREMIUM
FOR SHYLOCK
MY FRIENDS SAW THE SHOW IN CENTRAL PARK
MY FRIENDS SAW THE SHOW IN CENTRAL PARK
THEY GOT RATTLED BY PACINO’S BARK
COULD THEY SET UP A FOLDING CHAIR
AND THEN SEAT ME THERE
AND THEN SEAT ME THERE
SUSAN continues, speaking this:
And here’s a throwaway crack by you at their using Al to push the Public’s season to subscribers. Maybe he googled himself. In context it’s totally fine, it’s in the middle of a love letter to him. But by itself, I don’t know.
And here’s a throwaway crack by you at their using Al to push the Public’s season to subscribers. Maybe he googled himself. In context it’s totally fine, it’s in the middle of a love letter to him. But by itself, I don’t know.
SHYLOCK -
HAVE YOU ANY EXTRA TIME TO SPEND
WE WERE HOPING THAT YOU MIGHT EXTEND
HAVE YOU ANY EXTRA TIME TO SPEND
WE WERE HOPING THAT YOU MIGHT EXTEND
THERE MIGHT BE REVENUE WE’VE MISSED
LETS’ RAKE IT IN HAND OVER FIST
OH SHYLOCK
WE COULD BRING IN LOTS OF GREEN IN SPRING
WE COULD BRING IN LOTS OF GREEN IN SPRING
WITH THE TOURISTS MARCH AND APRIL BRING
OVER THE EASTER STUDENT BREAK
THINK OF THE GROSSES WE WOULD MAKE
THINK OF THE GROSSES WE WOULD MAKE
AND IF YOU REALLY CAN’T
MANY WON’T HEAR YOUR MUSIC AS YOU RANT
MANY WON’T HEAR YOUR MUSIC AS YOU RANT
SOUL-CRUSHING RANTING
PLAINTIVE AS SERPICO’S LISP
RAVING LIKE A LOON
SAD IF IT ISN’T REMEMBERED IN JUNE
PLAINTIVE AS SERPICO’S LISP
RAVING LIKE A LOON
SAD IF IT ISN’T REMEMBERED IN JUNE
SHYLOCK, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN FIND A WAY
BUT WE BEG AND PLEAD FOR YOU TO STAY
YOU’RE AT THE TOP AND IN YOUR PRIME
LET’S SQUEEZE OUT EACH DIME
LET’S SQUEEZE OUT EACH DIME
MICHAEL
I know we can get Al on our side. It’s just showing him our context. That’s pretty much a win. I think it’s just a matter of waiting until they have something new to plug, a little time to pass. People will forget I’m the mean guy with the Spider-Man stories and we’ll be a regular stop on everyone’s press list and interview rounds again.
SUSAN
So we’ve got four! A cliffhanger - How will we get our fifth?
So we’ve got four! A cliffhanger - How will we get our fifth?
PATTI LUPONE
Here’s a fifth, Susan!
MANDY
Happy hour!
MICHAEL
We can’t drink in the air. It’s public TV.
ANNOUNCER
OK. First act finale. Then we can all drink. Cue Susan.
SUSAN
On what we do this for, a meaningful number to the tune of APPLAUSE, which I only saw originally on TV, but having joined an audience in wild entrance applause in Boston stopping Lauren Bacall from singing “Sam Craig, wherever you are” in WOMAN OF THE YEAR. She sang those first words, we applauded her, she stopped, taking in our cheers, and actually started again. At least that’s how I remember it years later, and maybe I’m mixing her shows up, but that’s part of what got me into doing this show, and here goes.
On what we do this for, a meaningful number to the tune of APPLAUSE, which I only saw originally on TV, but having joined an audience in wild entrance applause in Boston stopping Lauren Bacall from singing “Sam Craig, wherever you are” in WOMAN OF THE YEAR. She sang those first words, we applauded her, she stopped, taking in our cheers, and actually started again. At least that’s how I remember it years later, and maybe I’m mixing her shows up, but that’s part of what got me into doing this show, and here goes.
HER FLAWS (tune of APPLAUSE),
WHAT IS IT THAT I’M CLAPPING FOR?
HER FLAWS, HER FLAWS
NOTHING AT ALL / HOLDS ME IN THRALL
NOTHING AT ALL / HOLDS ME IN THRALL
LIKE BETTY'S FLAWS
MOST SINGERS CAN SHARE
A NOTE-PERFECT SOUND
BUT I DO NOT CARE
WHEN I HEAR IT:
HER HAPPY GROWL ROLLS INTO ME
AND IF IT'S FLAT
THIS IS THE HEIGHT / SQUEALS OF DELIGHT
PULSATE FROM RIGHT WHERE I’M AT –
‘CAUSE
PULSATE FROM RIGHT WHERE I’M AT –
‘CAUSE
THE STAR THAT’S ONSTAGE (SHE MOVES GREAT)
LOOKS GREAT FOR HER AGE (THEY SOUND GREAT -)
HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!
HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!
(BIG FINISH)
CHARISMA TO SPARE / EMOTIONS SO TRUE
ON ENTRANCE IT’S THERE / AND I HEAR IT
WHY DID I JOIN THAT ENTRANCE ROAR /
WHAT WAS IT FOR?
NOTHING I KNOW
NOTHING I KNOW
HEIGHTENS A SHOW
LIKE BETTY STARTING THE SCORE – ‘CAUSE
THE PURE JOY IS THERE (CAN YOU FEEL IT?)
AND WE LOVE TO SHARE (THE SOUND OF)
HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!
HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!
HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!
First act curtain.
If anyone's interested, a varied menu selection (about 10 songs) of my original Non-Parody theater songs on YouTube is at
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