Music and Comedy: February 2011

The action of Act 1 (shown here) takes place in 2010, a year of U.S. economic trouble.

"Theater Squawk, or My Dead Aunt Thanks You!”

Previous table-read had:

Lyrics by Fred Landau. Book co-written by Fred Landau & Jim Burns.

A one-act portion of this show was seen in production at John Chatterton’s Midtown Int’l Theater Festival, Feb. - March 2014, as “I Never Miss a Larry Kramer Musical.” MITF nominee that season for Best Production & Best Writing; and the cast was Jennifer Pace (MITF’s Best Actress winner for this show) & Clare Cooper, who was also music director. Staged & dramaturged by Michael Kirk Lane.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE PARODY VERSIONS [Note: Susan Boyle parody material, humor based mainly on her level of fame, was long before her health revelations in 2016. And of course, Elaine Stritch was very active on Broadway and also regionally in 2010.]

THE TV SHOW’S ANNOUNCER
Welcome to Theater Squawk, with today’s roundtable “MotownGirls: From the Apollo to Broadway” - and here are your hosts Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with composer Henry Krieger, director Bobby Longbottom, Tony winner Rita Whitebread, and the revival’s line producer Beyoncé Knowles.

[not realizing microphone still on] Oh my God, it’s really that Beyoncé, girl!

MICHAEL
And Susan and I are indeed talking with that Beyonce. And the rest! Queen Bey - you did the movie of MotownGirls, now you're spearheading the move of the Broadway show. Are you excited? That’s like Oprah with Color Purple, and Bette with Priscilla.

SUSAN
Aren’t you afraid people will expect to see you in it?

BEYONCE
During previews, I’ll be giving notes every day, twice on matinee days. Then, we’ll have a life-size photo area by the concession stand, which will look as if I were right there. [Cardboard cut-out of her appears]

HENRY
She’s had such wonderful ideas for marketing, and she’s been meeting with money people. MotownGirls is such an ensemble show onstage.

MICHAEL
In other words, you couldn’t get a big star on the stage doing all your killer great songs eight times a week?

BEYONCE & HENRY (IT TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY-
(tune of HARD TO SAY GOODBYE – Beyonce version from Dreamgirls )

WE DIDN'T GET THOSE BIG NAMES.
WE HAVE TO DEPEND ON TALENT NOW,
AND WE WERE FINDING IT POINTLESS,
NO STARS TO GIVE IT THAT WOW.

IT LOOKED SO GOOD FOR A LONG TIME.
THE ART CAME TOGETHER SO WELL.
EVERYONE’S WORKING SO GREAT WITH EACH OTHER;
BUT WE’VE GOT NO DENZEL.

IT TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY, MY LOVE.

STARS TO TELL THEM WHY, MY LOVE.
WHY THEY SHOULD SPEND WILD AND FREE
WHEN THEY'RE NOT SURE WHO THEY’RE GONNA SEE.

IT’S SUCH A SHAME, IT AIN’T NO LIE
THAT WITHOUT A NAME, IT’S HARD TO MAKE THEM BUY

SUSAN (in an aside to Michael)That’s it, Michael. You heard them, too? Stars make people buy! This can’t be Theatre Squawk’s last season. I emailed the station, they gave us a fundraising week of half hours and you’ll use your connections and we’ll get the biggest names -

MICHAEL

Great idea, I’ll get on it

SUSAN
Of the people you didn’t upset, that is!

MICHAEL
We rise again! Full size again! It’s not where we start, it’s where we finish! Nobody does it like us! Fun, laughs, good times! Hey, look us over, mortgaged up to here!

(Song continues with ENTIRE CAST)

FOLKS LIKE TO BLAME THE DOWNTURN,

SOMETHING FACTS WON’T ALLOW.
WHEN A SHOW HAD HUGH OR SCARLETT.

THEY ALL FOUND LOTS OF CASH SOMEHOW.

THREE HUNDRED OR FOUR HUNDRED
MONEY FROM WHO KNOWS WHERE
BUT NO MATTER HOW HIGH IT MAY GO
YOU’VE GOT STARS, THE BUCKS WILL BE THERE

IT TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY, MY LOVE.

WHO WOULD EVEN TRY, MY LOVE.

BROADWAY BUZZ IS OH SO POOR
WITHOUT THAT THING THEY CALL THE LURE.

GOT A GREAT PLAY?
YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS WILL TRY
IF YOU COMP THEM IN,
BUT IT’S STARS THAT MAKE THEM BUY

SUSAN (on phone)
Patti, that’s right, we’re doing an auction on our show, to keep our show going. You must have a few things laying around that you can’t use.

MICHAEL (on phone)
Jerry, yes, I know, and we’ll build a special segment around your songs. Susan and I love Dolly, Mame, La Cage, Susan totally loves The Grand Tour… huh, what do I think of it...

SUSAN (on phone)
You can get me Susan Boyle? How did you swing that? What can she auction off, though? OK, we’ll have her do a makeover during the show and auction off the old wig and outfit.

MICHAEL
It’s coming together, Susan. We’re buying ourselves at least another year. Thank you, Beyonce!

BEYONCE & CAST (waving, air kisses)

IT’S SUCH A SHAME, IT AIN’T NO LIE
THAT WITHOUT A NAME, IT’S HARD TO MAKE THEM BUY

IF YOU DON’T HAVE THOSE BIG NAMES

LOWER CHANCE OF SURVIVAL

IF YOU DON’T HAVE THOSE BIG NAMES

YOU’LL BE DEAD ON ARRIVAL

(IT'S SO HARD, BABY, WITH NO STARS.
YEAH, IT'S SO HARD, BABY, WITH NO STARS)

(Some time has passed. It's the TV show's Auction Week fundraiser. )

THE TV SHOW’S ANNOUNCER
Back in the Theater Squawk Studio, here are Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with their special guests for this Auction Week spectacular, Patti LaBelle, now in FELA, and Patti LuPone, now in Sweeney.

MICHAEL
And we are here, and we are – back from station identification. I have no idea why we have those identification breaks – from fundraising - when we’re on PBS. But we’re in our phone-in fundraising special week of Theater Squawk, so as Lady Gaga says, start calling, start calling.

SUSAN (mysteriously)

Will she be on later? You never know what big stars will stop by!

MICHAEL
That’s a surprise. Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, bookended by two great divas. Why exactly do we have you booked together? And for a segment with a lot of emphasis on Jerry Herman, for which neither of you is known.

LUPONE
I was supposed to do Hello Dolly, and I memorized the part, and you know me, I never throw anything away. And you, LaBelle, I’d say we must be side by side in someone’s Rolodex, but who still has a Rolodex?

LABELLE
My agent does. He gets calls for you all the time anyway! And he said if I were doing Beverly Hills Cop, I wouldn’t need back-up. But in this case, live on Broadway, more people would watch about FELA if we got you on same time as me.

LUPONE.
Who is this agent? He sounds smart. Can he book Sweeney at Ceasars? (waits for the laugh) Hmm, your writers were sure that would get a laugh. Can I make it up to you for that little joke by singing with you?

LABELLE

Try and stop you.

MICHAEL
And remember, get to the phones, because for our highest bidder, she’s auctioning off a package with two – that’s right, actually two – you get a whole pair - tickets to Fela.

LABELLE
And gluten-free dinner afterwards, cooked by me in my dressing room. Get to Ma Bell, and get to see LA-Belle. (hits the wrong accent to force the rhyme)

SUSAN
Patti LaBelle and Patti LuPone try to get you to Le Phone with their take on

LABELLE
A special Marmalade and New Attitude medley

LUPONE
No let’s do Anything Goes first. We’ll do yours right after, but this really sets up phoning in and the bidding on auction items – you see, in the lyric there, Michael?

MICHAEL
I love when a first number of a telethon is so on the nose your teeth start to ache.

LUPONE
Here, I brought you some Anbesol, Michael honey! Your writers told me you were going to say that line about your teeth aching. They love me! They keep me prepared for you!

(Tune of ANYTHING GOES - both Patti's share the song)

(verse)
PATTI SINGS:
TELL THE FOLLOWERS ON YOUR BLOG

TELL YOUR FRIENDS AT YOUR SYNAGOGUE

TELL THE PEOPLE WHO WALK YOUR DOG

SUCH GREAT THINGS:
BUY YOURSELF A DELIGHTFUL GEM
PATTI KNOWS YOU’LL SLEEP LIKE A LOG

KNOWING YOU SUPPORTED THEM

A GOLDEN PLATED MOVIE TCHOTHCKE

THAT GARBO USED IN NINOTCHKA

AND IT’S HAND BLOWN
EVERYONE, PHONE!

YOU WANT TO DRESS JUST LIKE MORTICIA WOULD!
OR SMELL GOOD LIKE CHARLES ISHA-WOOD!
TIMES COLOGNE! [SUSAN HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE]

EVERYONE PHONE!

YOU WANT WICKED TICKETS QUICK

OR SOME RUDNICK SHTICK
SONGS FOR SAMMY GLICK
A DOG AND PONY TRICK

AND MAYBE FOR A KICK

YOU MIGHT CHOOSE TO PICK
A LATE BRUNCH WITH LUPONE

SIT SECOND ROW FOR MERYL’S DAUGHTER

OR WATCH SUTTON DO COLE PAWTER

THAT GIRL HAS GROWN
EVERYONE PHONE

EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE PHONE!

BUY GRANDMAMMA A DATE WITH GAVIN

OR TOP BIDDER JOINS MS. LAVIN
TO SHARE A SCONE!
EVERYONE PHONE

COME BID ON JON GROFF’S ACTING LESSON
LEARN DICTION SURE TO IMPRESS ANY FANS I’VE KNOWN

EVERYONE PHONE

WE’VE GOT SO MUCH STUFF TODAY

THOUGH IT’S TOUGH TODAY
BUY A MUFF TODAY
OR A PUFF TODAY

OR A CUFF TODAY
BUT ENOUGH TODAY

HOPE IT’S STUFF YOU WANNA OWN

AND SO RIGHT THERE CELEBS ARE SITTING

TO ANSWER WHEN YOU START BIDDING,

TO SET THE TONE–
EVERYONE PHONE

EVERYONE PHONE!!!!!
EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE PHONE!

(big end to number)

LABELLE
Ooh, that felt good. That’ s for the show people, now to get my disco people to the phones so you guys can earn even more money for Theater Squawk and keep you on the air - and Michael, maybe get you out of the newspaper. And on radio or TV more, where you cause less trouble!

LUPONE

And I’ll be doing your back-up this time - voulez vous chantez avec moi. Not too shabby for back-up, right?

MICHAEL
Wonderful, Patti. Now, remind us again, LaBelle, the incredibly generous prize from your FELA producers you’ve been auctioning off for our fund raiser

LABELLE
I have two tickets for FELA. Oh, but wait, Michael – there’s also a special visit backstage.

SUSAN
In your dressing room? That’s very special for someone who doesn’t get to do that normally -

LABELLE
Of course. Photo ops. You’ll be there too, won’t you, Michael and Susan?

LUPONE
I won’t be able to. I’ll be doing my show and it’s longer than yours, but you all can drop by my theater and we’ll all go out afterwards. If someone’s paying and it’s free publicity for the show, my whole cast would love it. Just tell our doorman it’s Patti L’s group there for Patti L. There has never been a better cast full of –

MICHAEL
Schnorrers?

LUPONE
No, Michael - troupers! They act, play instruments, and do photo-ops to sell tickets to a wonderful show. Free food just helps their attitude. See what I did there? Did I just do a transition for you, LaBelle? Food? Attitude?

LABELLE
We’ve got to get you into the ad jingle world. Or Vegas, Here we go! OK, come on down and see FELA. At the O’Neill, we won’t do Marmalade, we won’t do “Over the Rainbow” lying flat on our back, we won’t do “Not While I’m Around” -

LUPONE
I do that one in my show!
(She looks around, as if “aren’ t we Patti L’ s perfect together”)

LABELLE
Here’s another one we don’t do. So please don’t yell for it at FELA, but – I promise, some Broadway show in the future, we’ll get less serious – but bid on the two all-diva Patti’s attitude, instead of that Poor Attitude, and here’s why -

(PATTI & PATTI - POOR ATTITUDE, tune of NEW ATTITUDE)

MICHAEL HERE, SUSAN THERE
THEY WORK SO HARD RUNNING EVERYWHERE

THEY WORK EXTREEEEEEME-LY HARD

IN PERSON MIKE’S SO NICE, SO SWELL
YOU BETTER NOT BE GIVING ‘EM HELL

THAT’S QUITE A TEAM – BOTH OF THEM

YOU SPENT SOME TIME OUT ON STAGE
ONE THING THAT YOU LEARN
THE FOLKS ON THIS SHOW ARE WORTH EACH PENNY THEY EARN

LOOK IT HERE, I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE
LET’S START THE BIDDING, HOPE YOU’RE NOW IN THE MOOD

PICK UP THE PHONE, EACH GAL AND DUDE
DON’T HAVE A POOR ATTITUDE

IT’S PRETTY CHEAP, WHAT YOU GET WILL INCLUDE -
A CHANCE TO JOIN THE STARS OF SWEENEY FOR FOOD

[LuPone fake-holds a cleaver as in Sweeney]

WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO’D
CHASE OFF YOUR POOR ATTITUDE

(SEGUE INTO LADY MARMALADE) (PATTI & PATTI) – OK, HERE WE GO!

FELA’S SWITCHIN’ SWITCHIN’ DIVAS

YES, YOUR DIVA IS LA BELLE
PICK UP THOSE DARN PHONE RECEIVERS

DON’T LOSE OUT, YOU MISSED DENZEL

(GET AUDIENCE CLAPPING MAYBE)

COME AND SEE THE PLAY AVEC MOI, CE SOIR

COME OUT TO THE PLAY AVEC MOI

MARMALADE WILL EARN A WAD.

HONEY GET YOUR GET YOUR VISA
SEE FELA AND SEE SWEENEY TODD
BABY, LET THIS DIVA SQUEEZE A
TIDY SUM FOR MARMALADE [HIT THE RHYME]

COME AND SEE THE PLAY AVEC MOI, CE SOIR

COME ON OUT AND PLAY AVEC MOI

MARMALADE WILL EARN A LOT!
(end of number)

MICHAEL
I thought you were also going to auction off one of your trademark wigs.

LABELLE
I was going to, but then LuPone there brought in all her good stuff, and there’ s no way I’m going to get outbid on national TV.

SUSAN
I remember. In Patti LuPone Live, you did a bit about taking things from the shows on closing nights, basically: (reading) "I steal costumes from every show I'm in. I steal costumes, I steal jewelry, I steal wigs. I'm surprised I leave the scenery."

MICHAEL
As if you ever didn’t chew scenery

LUPONE

What’s that you said, Michael? (he shrugs.) I didn’t think so.

LABELLE
I’m going to go warm up. FELA at the O’Neill, brilliant show, stunning reviews, but serious themes, so there are some select seats available. Please come.

SUSAN
LaBelle, ladies and gentlemen, big hand! And don’t forget to call and bid, two tickets to FELA, which she just made sound soooooo valuable and hard to get.

LUPONE (very quickly)And then right after the show, dinner with LaBelle and LuPone, two all-diva Pattis and we’ll get our cast members to come along. It’s a Patti Party!!!

MICHAEL
A Patti Party – you’re good!

LUPONE
Who’s paying for that dinner, by the way? Does the winner pay? or Theatre Squawk?

MICHAEL
We’ll work that out. The divas are in the details. It’s about fundraising this week. Outflow comes next week. So show us the stuff you’ve got to sell.

LUPONE
Ah, stuff is my middle name. You know that. Jerry Herman did this special bit for me when they announced my HELLO DOLLY production. It fell apart after they bought the props, but I had in my contract that I still got the stuff, so bid on what you see while I sing about - the stuff.

(Tune of JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME)

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A DIVA WHO ACQUIRES THINGS,

THERE’S A TCHOTCHKE AND RIGHT HOME WITH ME IT GOES.

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A DIVA WHO ACQUIRES THINGS,
LIKE JEWELRY, ACCESSORIES AND CLOTHES.

IF THOSE OUTFITS AREN’T NEEDED,
I WILL TAKE THE ONE THAT’S BEADED:

JUST GIVE ANYTHING TO ME.

IF YOU’VE GOT AN EXTRA BONNET,

WATCH AS I SWOOP DOWN UPON IT

JUST GIVE ANYTHING TO ME.

IF THOSE SPATS ARE SLIGHTLY RATTY,

THAT IS QUITE OK WITH PATTI
I WILL TAKE IT IF IT’S FREE

IF THAT HAT IS KIND OF FADED,

THAT IS FINE ‘CAUSE I’M NOT JADED

WONDER WHAT ALL THIS COULD GET ON EBAY

JUST GIVE ANYTHING TO ME

(Michael) - Where to, Patti?
(Patti) - To the prop room, to make sure there isn’t anything they may have – accidentally - left behind

(Michael) - Gonna take any of it home, Patti?
(Patti) - Why, Mr. Riedelander, whatever put such a nefarious idea into my head—oops, your head!)

IF YOU HAVE AN EXTRA HAMMER,

GIVE IT UP, THE HECK WITH GLAMOUR:
JUST GIVE EVERYTHING TO ME.

IF YOU HAVE A LACY HANKY,
SO IT’S DIRTY, I’M NOT CRANKY:

JUST GIVE EVERYTHING TO ME.

IF YOU HAVE A TROLLEY CUSHION,

PARDON ME IF I AM PUSHIN’,
THAT WOULD FIT ME TO A T.

IF A TRINKET CAN BE LIFTED,
USED AGAIN, AND THEN RE-GIFTED--

DON'T BE AFRAID KIDS,
I’M THE LAST TO LEAVE, SO I’LL CLEAN UP!

I WILL TALK ABOUT IT ON THE TALK SHOWS

I WILL BRAG ABOUT IT WITH BRAVADO

I'LL REMEMBER IT IN ALL MY MEMOIRS

JUST –
GIVE ANYTHING TO ME! (bow)

MICHAEL
And now ladies and gentlemen, if that didn’t send you to the phones, this will. The biggest star of 2010, the true rags to riches story of these economic hard times – She dreamed a dream of days gone by – and she may even auction off a “before” frock - from before one of her many makeovers, so don’t let the chance go by to phone in and make our dream happen –
Here’s Miss Susan Boyle!

SUSAN HASKINS
She’s not ready yet, getting a makeover backstage. (notices letter in his hand) What’s that? Look in your hand! What’s the letter?

LAWYER LETTER READ ALOUD
Dear Michael, As Executor of your Aunt’ s will, you should know she was proud of your TV persona and worried to hear that Theater Squawk was having financial trouble. It leaves the show enough money to keep "Theater Squawk" running for the next 20 years. But it's contingent on Michael gaining forgiveness of the "targets" who would no longer talk to him after he ripped them in the paper. If you can get five of these on the TV program, and to sit through the full interview without walking out, Theater Squawk gets the $2,000,000 to run the next 20 years! And the only time restriction is that – you have to do it before Spider- Man recoups!

MICHAEL
This sounds complicated. My poor dead aunt! I wonder if coming up with these terms for her will is what killed her.

SUSAN

So let’s see, are all these people really upset with you:

The star of A Little Bright Music, Elaine Stritch, who you called demanding

The producers of The Merchandise of Venice, you know the problem

The backers of Sunny Girl, who (right or wrong) blame you for the show dying

The producers of Chicago, where you dissed Christie Brinkley sight unseen
And - a few more - can we get five of these. Michael?

MICHAEL
Hmm, this Christie Brinkley one, I can get rid of right now. I’d love to be able to stop toadying up to these people for things to bid on for money, and just toady up for interviews again. That column on Christie was all a big misunderstanding. That wasn’t a bad column. I just said they were more interested in her first for money than her voice. It’s a - well, a fact.

SUSAN
The title of the article was: “UPTOWN GIRL OR UPCHUCK GIRL–PUTTING THE GROSS IN WEEKLY GROSS ”

MICHAEL
Susan, I did not write that title.

SUSAN
Can you prove it to them?

MICHAEL
I’m on it right now. I’ll have them on our show next week. We’ll have one out the five we need before you can say “Razzle dazzle.”

SUSAN (calls after him)
Michael, Michael. After the show! This is not part of the deal. You’re not supposed to leave... me... alone out here. What should we do?

ANNOUNCER
You could, maybe, interview a guest.

SUSAN
Without Michael?

ANNOUNCER
You used to do it just fine before Theater Squawk started. I’ll see if Susan Boyle is out of makeup.

SUSAN
Michael, hurry back, I miss you already.

AT BARRY & FRAN WEISSLER'S OFFICE AT THE PIANO

MICHAEL [“Barry” can be the pianist]Barry, Fran, Christie Brinkley, oh my God, Christie, I still can't believe you yourself really came to this meeting? {in his mind back in high school}

Hey, Mr. Grazer from gym class, who’s a jerk-off now?

[back to Christie] You see, Miss Brinkley, this video shows beyond a shadow of a doubt I really don’t write the headlines.

FRAN
Nice summation, Michael. Possible Billy Flynn for the Vegas company, Barry, maybe? I'll have the guys at Casting Couch call you to set up a call back. You’re nasty, but you’re still cute. They’ll eat you up.

CHRISTIE

And the nasty editor guy who wrote that title of the article won’t be at the TV taping?

MICHAEL

I promise! [They all cheer.]

(UPTURN GIRL , tune of UPTOWN GIRL - Christie in ”Chicago”)

DOUGH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH

UPTURN GIRL,
CHRISTIE’S ROCKING OUR INVESTORS’ WORLD

WE’D HAD A LOT OF TIMES OUR WEEKLY NUT

MAY HAVE SUGGESTED IT WAS TIME TO SHUT

IT SCARED US BUT -

NOW OUR UPTURN GIRL
WILL GET THE AUDIENCE FROM ‘ROUND THE WORLD

AS LONG AS CHRISTIE’S HERE TO SELL A SEAT
NO WAY WE’RE GOING DOWNWARD IN DEFEAT

THAT'S WHAT WE’LL TWEET

AND SOON SHE’LL KNOW WHAT

THE PRESS WILL OPI-I-INE
AND SOON SHE’LL HEAR
IF THEY CHEER OR THEY WHI-I-INE

SHE'LL KNOW IF AFTER ALL

SHE SHOULD STAY

ON THROUGH FALL

SHE’S OUR UPTURN GIRL
YOU KNOW THAT BARRY LIKES TO BE A CHURL

BUT BARRY’S SMILING IN OUR FIFTEENTH YEAR

AND PRAYING CHRISTIE WILL WANT TO APPEAR

WHEN SUMMER’S HERE

DOUGH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH
DOUGH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH

UPTURN GIRL
THERE’S OUR UPTURN GIRL

OUR GROSS WILL MEAN LOVE

FOR OUR UPTURN GIRL
OUR UPTURN GIRL
YOU KNOW CASH IS LOVE

FOR OUR UPTURN GIRL

BACK AT THE STUDIO

SUSAN the host (spoken to announcer)

Is Susan Boyle ready yet?

ANNOUNCER
Not yet, Claudia in wardrobe is having fun with accessories.
We’ll auction the things after she wears them. And she’s coordinating her with Lea – shoot, I gave away the surprise. I mean, she’s coordinating her with, oh feh, just keep going, you’re doing fine, our Susan.

SUSAN (into phone)
Elaine Stritch is here, Michael. She says everyone calls her demanding. She’s really mad at you for saying it in print five times in one week, so your aunt was right - but she's got a theater to fill, so we can count on her to yell at you on TV about it any time we want – so she’s an easy one of the five.

MICHAEL (into phone)
So I’ve got Christie Brinkley and her producers of Chicago Barry and Fran Weissler! You’ve got Elaine Stritch committed! That’s 2 out of 5! We’re on our way! Hey, should I be calling anyone to at least be mourning this generous dead aunt? No, there’s not even a name of the next of kin or funeral info on the lawyer’s letter.

ELAINE
Really, Susan, if I had a hundred dollars for every reporter who called me cheap- now that’s a nice thought. This is so nice, though, isn't it? I get to talk so much more than when Michael’ s here.

SUSAN
Of course, you’ve brought in some signed hats from Target for viewers to bid on and – a signed piece of Mahler

ELAINE
Signed by me, not Mahler. Let’s see if this can get the kind of numbers LuPone gets. Lord know they’re not courting us older folks with the Broadway shows that they’re doing these days - like Spider-Man Turn Off the Senior Citzens that Michael is picking on, and the more he picks the more it sells and sells. And when I went on to buy tickets the other day, I didn’t really go online by the way I really always get seats to everything for free, but I need to say so for the musical shtick I’m about to do; it was like the computer knew just how old I was -

(HIP! - tune of ZIP! which Stritch did in PAL JOEY)

(verse)
I WANTED TO SEE CURLY AND LAURIE
IN THAT RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN STORY
I WANTED TO SEE MISS JOHANSSON
AND THE SESSION I HAD ON THAT TICKETING SITE

COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN LESS ENTRANCIN’

SO I TEXTED TO THE TICKETCHARGE CENTER

WHERE I TYPED A BIT AND THEN HIT ENTER

WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR US ELDERS

TO GET ANY DECENT VIEW

WHY ARE GOOD SEATS SO HARD TO GET, AND THEY SAID:

"LOOK, OLD DAME, OUR DEMOGRAPHIC AIN’T YOU!"

HIP! HON, OUR AUDIENCE IS SKEWING TOO OLD
HIP! WE WANT YOUNG FOLK WHO ARE WITH-IT AND BOLD

HIP! WE CAN TELL THAT YOU ARE SIXTY OR MORE
HIP! IN OUR STATS, THAT TELLS US YOU WANNA SHNORR

WE WOULD LIKE A CROWD THAT’S THIRTY

GIVE THEM GAGA IN SOME VERDI
HIP!
YES, WE WANT ‘EM YOUNGER

WANT SOME HOTTIES WITH ÉLAN, YA

OFFER ZAC IN UNCLE VANYA
HIP!
OLD FOLK ARE FROM HUNGER

HIP! ASK THIS BROAD FOR SOME ADVICE, SHE REPEATS

HIP! WE’RE ALL HIP IF WE FILL SEATS!

(spoken) Well, I'd better save something to complain about for when Michael is back next time.

SUSAN (as Elaine kisses her goodbye)
Aaaaand --We’re on a station break. (into phone) Yes, control room, what’s that? Susan Boyle is still not ready? What happened, is she having plastic surgery or something? [moment] Seriously. You’re giving her collagen backstage. Are we licensed for that? [moment] We are? How about insurance? I can’t kill time like this. I’m out of practice. Totally out of practice!

ANNOUNCER
Callers are screaming for a number from you, Susan. Come on, can we give it up for a number from our own Susan while she waits for Michael to get back?

SUSAN

No, please, please, please, I couldn’t – well, okay, remain seated, no standing ovation needed. There is this Lorelei Lee bit I do at parties. You can sit down, too, I’ll do the number – oh, you work here, that’s why you’re standing?

(starts being Lorelei)
It’s my theory that standing makes people lose track of the cheering and online praising they should be doing. It’s just the audience seems to applaud louder and more consistently when a standing O is not involved, but really the most important thing is what you can do on your rear end when you get home – you can spread – what? You know what I mean -
You can spread - Word of mouth on the internet!

CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND
Tune of DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND

AN OLD FASHIONED HAND MAY BE QUITE CONSEQUENTIAL

BUT STANDING IS THE WORLD’S WORST TREND
A HAND THAT IS GRAND MAY MAKE SOME DIFFERENTIAL

BUT AS PEOPLE STAND,

THE THUND’ROUS HAND CAN SOUND LESS GRAND

GIVE OUR SHOW
A STANDING O
AND THE SOUND’S SURE TO WANDER NO END
THE CHEERS TENDS TO MUFFLE

FROM ALL THAT KERFUFFLE

STANDING IS A WORTHLESS TREND

THERE MAY COME A TIME FOR A “BRAVO” OR “BRAVA”

BUT STANDING IS THE WORLD’S WORST TREND
THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN A CAST’S HOT AS LAVA

A VOLCANIC FORCE,

SHOUT TIL YOU’RE HOARSE THAT’S NICE OF COURSE.

I REPEAT
POST FROM YOUR SEAT
IF YOU STAND WE MAY NOT COMPREHEND
LOOKS MAY BE DECEIVING,

WE MAY THINK YOU'RE LEAVING

STANDING IS A WORTHLESS TREND

GO TEXT YOUR PRAISES
STANDING IS THE WORLD'S WORST TREND
TWEET CHEERS AND BRAVOS

NOW HERE’S THE POINT -

CHATTING IS A SHOW’S BEST FRIEND!

A BIG STANDING O MAY BE QUITE ORNAMENTAL

BUT CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND
TO STAND IS A SHOW BUT MY QUAINT CITY RENTAL

COSTS TWO THOUSAND PLUS

SO IF WE FUSS, WELL PARDON US

WE'RE NO FOOLS
WE KNOW THE RULES
STANDING O'S DON'T MEAN YOU'LL RECOMMEND
I HATE TO BE PUSHY, JUST POST FROM YOUR TUSHY

'CAUSE CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND!

DON’T LET OUR BUZZ FADE!

CHATTING IS A SHOW'S - BEST - FRIEND

LUPONE (entering)
Mandy’s waiting with our families backstage, but we can hang out and keep you company until Michael gets back. (calling out) Mandy honey, I know you’re not scheduled for the show until tomorrow, do you mind doing a preview of what you’ll be doing on tomorrow’s show?

MANDY (over speakers)
I’d rather not sing anything I have planned for tomorrow. Only because I’ve got my auction stuff tied to my numbers for tomorrow's show. But I’d love to help out. Hey, do you think we can get Susan Boyle to do a few numbers with us at Avery Fisher Hall next week? Triplets, maybe? That's Entertainment? A surprise (winks) guest.

LUPONE
Shh, I’m doing two numbers with her later. She’d love to. But that Simon Cowell think we’re “too Broadway ” - can you imagine? LuPone and Patinkin, too Broadway?

ANNOUNCER
Here she is, the breakout international star of 2010, Susan Boyle,

(SUSAN BOYLE enters, MICHAEL behind her taking his seat.)

LUPONE
Susan, what a lovely outfit.

SUSAN BOYLE (fake-fake-fake over-acting nervous)
Miss LuPone, I originally sang this song with Miss Elaine Page and I was wondering...

LUPONE
Oh you took so long getting dressed, and you and I rehearsed the damn number, let’ s just do it, honey, cut the fake chatter, you’re the bigger name right this second and I love that you’re giving me your time.

(SUSAN BOYLE and PATTI LUPONE – I Know Him So Well)

NOTHING IS SO GOOD WE DON’T GET SICK OF IT,

EVEN TALES OF RICHES OUT OF RAGS,
AND THIS ONE KEPT ME IN THE THICK OF IT,

HEARING FAR TOO MUCH, IT NOW JUST DRAGS,

LOOKING BACK, IT MIGHT HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY,

COULD HAVE BEEN A SUBTLER, SOFTER SELL
BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE WHEN COWELL’S INVOLVED,

GOODNESS GRACIOUS NO, THEY KNOW ME (YOU) WELL

WASN'T IT FUN
(OH SUCH FUN)
WHEN SHE APPEARED?
(I APPEARED)
THEY WERE ALL GOBSMACKED,
THE SHOCK SEEMED WEIRD
AND NOW MY FRIEND
I NEED A LITTLE BIT
OF DISTANCE MY DEAR,
IT HAS BECOME SO CLEAR,
(EACH TIME I SEE HER ALL MADE OVER)

THEY KNOW ME (YOU) TOO WELL

(bow and LUPONE and SUSAN BOYLE hug, wipe tears away and exit.)

SUSAN HASKINS

Michael, where were you?

MICHAEL.
Oh please. I was watching you on my phone. You were killing without me!

SUSAN
Well, I felt like I was dying!
(back to camera)
Well, she got her start in Spring Awakening on Broadway and look at her now! Here’s that clip of her at the Tonys.

LEA (from offstage)
Do we actually have to sit here watching that number? I don’t really like that clip.

MICHAEL
No we don’t actually watch it. They watch it at home. Your fans keel over it! Let’s get you all set up.

SUSAN

We’re back.

MICHAEL
So what were you thinking during that? Does it make sense you’d lost the part in Funny Girl? What I kept reading is that maybe you’d gotten a shot at a FUNNY LADY remake for afterward, that John Kander actually loves you so much, even though Jule Styne’s family for FUNNY GIRL never heard of you.

LEA

Is that right?

MICHAEL
Some people on a chat board swore that about FUNNY LADY, and it is on google.

SUSAN
So it can be cited and kept in a PDF.

LEA
Well, it’s complicated. I was so glad to have the opportunity to do it, and Matthew Morrison has sort of shown his stuff so well.

SUSAN
And Michael, just so you know, while you were away, the Fanny backers your aunt wanted you to make peace with called, said they never thought you were a bad man, just a sinner, and they’d come on the show.

MICHAEL
This is like 4 out of 5 of the people to make peace with under the will that came pretty easy! The last one’s gonna take some work, I hope - or we have no drama for the second act, huh?

(I’d Rather a Jew – Funny Girl casting)
Parody of I’D RATHER BE BLUE - starts with a guy singing to Lea, a bit starstruck

WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE
THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE’D RATHER A JEW, OR HALF-JEW,

THAN A FANNY WHO’S GOYISH AND CUTE

A SHIKSA MIGHT CLICK, SIR
FOR HICKS, SIR,
BUT NOT IN NEW YORK!
THEY’D ASK THIS REAL QUICK, SIR

“YOU’RE SURE THAT’S YOUR PICK, SIR?”

DON’T POP THAT CORK!

YOU’LL NEED A LITTLE OY, LITTLE VEY, LITTLE ZMIR
AND THE RIGHT KIND OF NOSE
THEY’LL TELL YA IT’S A FACT,

SHE CAN ACT, BUT AN ACT -

IS THAT AS FAR AS IT GOES?

WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE
THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE MUST HAVE AT LEAST A HALF-JEW

YOU NEED SOMEONE LIKE LEA MICHELE

[Lea gestures “who me” as if this were not rehearsed]

WILL SHE BE BAD, WILL SHE BE GOOD,

SHE WILL BE GREAT, YOU FOOL
A FANNY BRICE WILL NOT SUFFICE,

UNLESS SHE GOES TO SHUL

FILLING THE HOUSE, YOU’LL HEAR THEM GROUSE,

“YOU NEED JEWISH BLOOD TO PLEASE.
TO FILL BARBRA’S SHOES, YOU GOTTA USE

SOMEONE WITH BROOKLYN EASE ”

[LEA
Cross the Bronx with Tenafly, it might as well be Brooklyn!]

BOYS

(back to song) WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE

THINKING THIS THROUGH
WE’RE GETTING REAL BLUE, WELL SO NU
BUT DEAR LEA,

YOUR VOICE MAKES US KVE-E-E-ELLL

BLUE YES IT’S TRUE,
WE’D RATHER A JEW OR HALF-JEW
WE WERE HOP-HOP-HOP-HOP-ING
FOR SOMEBODY SWE-E-E-E-E-ELLL

LEA
DO THE ENDING WE GAVE YOU, THIS WILL GO NETWORK, BOYS

BOYS
WE’D BE HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-PY

WITH LE-A MICH-E-E-E-E-E-E-ELE.

LEA
Aw, shucks, guys. I’d even take the TV movie remake if they offered it!

(musical flourish, end of number)
(BOW FOR LEA MICHELE SECTION. The TV show is over for the day.)

MICHAEL
Thank you, Lea, that was thrilling. That was a great show. And your package for our auction was a great seller.

LEA
Michael, you guys have always been good to me. Well, Susan, you have. And Michael, you’ve come around so well since I’ve been on TV. But be good to my friends, OK? I’m always here for them – and you.

MICHAEL

Is that a quid pro quo

LEA

Like one hand washes the other? {Lea kisses both, Michael on both cheeks, and leaves.}

MICHAEL

You see, if we get my dead aunt’s two million, we don’t have to wash hands.

SUSAN
Okay, so Barry and Fran are booked with Christie Brinkley. Stritch will come on and yell at you whenever you like. And the Fanny Brice folk were already here.

MICHAEL
Can we get one of those score boards like in “1776” if this ever moves to a bigger room?
So we’ve got the Merchandise of Venice. All I said was that the summer run was a cover for the later Broadway run. Why would that have upset Pacino?

SUSAN (reading)
Hmm...This production brings with it a fear never seen before on Broadway, of being too close when Mr. Pacino explodes with intensity, but still needing to see the show. TOO close? TOO close? He might have gotten upset because of that.

Oh, that’s my own cue to sing? Which cards are the lyrics on?

(SHYLOCK – tune of SKYLARK)

SHYLOCK -

HAVE YOU ANYTHING BACK IN ROW Z
I CAN’T HANDLE SUCH INTENSITY
BUT IN MY WORLD I CAN’T EXIST
IF FRIENDS KNOW THAT I HAVE MISSED -

SHYLOCK
JUST ROW E, AND FOR FOUR HUNDRED EACH

I COULD PUT IN PLUGS FOR EACH BIG SPEECH

BUT I’D PREFER SEATS FAR AWAY
NEED TO SAY I SAW THE PLAY

MAYBE REAR MEZZANINE
WHEN HE STARTS TO GET TREATED MEAN

THE SHOUTING WILL BE
FAINT AS A NORMAL GUY

GENTLE AS A HUM
HECK, I’D EVEN PAY YOU PREMIUM

FOR SHYLOCK
MY FRIENDS SAW THE SHOW IN CENTRAL PARK

THEY GOT RATTLED BY PACINO’S BARK

COULD THEY SET UP A FOLDING CHAIR
AND THEN SEAT ME THERE

SUSAN continues, speaking this:
And here’s a throwaway crack by you at their using Al to push the Public’s season to subscribers. Maybe he googled himself. In context it’s totally fine, it’s in the middle of a love letter to him. But by itself, I don’t know.

SHYLOCK -
HAVE YOU ANY EXTRA TIME TO SPEND
WE WERE HOPING THAT YOU MIGHT EXTEND

THERE MIGHT BE REVENUE WE’VE MISSED

LETS’ RAKE IT IN HAND OVER FIST

OH SHYLOCK
WE COULD BRING IN LOTS OF GREEN IN SPRING

WITH THE TOURISTS MARCH AND APRIL BRING

OVER THE EASTER STUDENT BREAK
THINK OF THE GROSSES WE WOULD MAKE

AND IF YOU REALLY CAN’T
MANY WON’T HEAR YOUR MUSIC AS YOU RANT

SOUL-CRUSHING RANTING
PLAINTIVE AS SERPICO’S LISP
RAVING LIKE A LOON
SAD IF IT ISN’T REMEMBERED IN JUNE

SHYLOCK, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN FIND A WAY

BUT WE BEG AND PLEAD FOR YOU TO STAY

YOU’RE AT THE TOP AND IN YOUR PRIME
LET’S SQUEEZE OUT EACH DIME

MICHAEL

I know we can get Al on our side. It’s just showing him our context. That’s pretty much a win. I think it’s just a matter of waiting until they have something new to plug, a little time to pass. People will forget I’m the mean guy with the Spider-Man stories and we’ll be a regular stop on everyone’s press list and interview rounds again.

SUSAN
So we’ve got four! A cliffhanger - How will we get our fifth?

PATTI LUPONE

Here’s a fifth, Susan!

MANDY

Happy hour!

MICHAEL

We can’t drink in the air. It’s public TV.

ANNOUNCER

OK. First act finale. Then we can all drink. Cue Susan.

SUSAN
On what we do this for, a meaningful number to the tune of APPLAUSE, which I only saw originally on TV, but having joined an audience in wild entrance applause in Boston stopping Lauren Bacall from singing “Sam Craig, wherever you are” in WOMAN OF THE YEAR. She sang those first words, we applauded her, she stopped, taking in our cheers, and actually started again. At least that’s how I remember it years later, and maybe I’m mixing her shows up, but that’s part of what got me into doing this show, and here goes.

HER FLAWS (tune of APPLAUSE),

WHAT IS IT THAT I’M CLAPPING FOR?

HER FLAWS, HER FLAWS
NOTHING AT ALL / HOLDS ME IN THRALL

LIKE BETTY'S FLAWS

MOST SINGERS CAN SHARE

A NOTE-PERFECT SOUND

BUT I DO NOT CARE

WHEN I HEAR IT:

HER HAPPY GROWL ROLLS INTO ME

AND IF IT'S FLAT

THIS IS THE HEIGHT / SQUEALS OF DELIGHT
PULSATE FROM RIGHT WHERE I’M AT –
‘CAUSE

THE STAR THAT’S ONSTAGE (SHE MOVES GREAT)

LOOKS GREAT FOR HER AGE (THEY SOUND GREAT -)
HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!

(BIG FINISH)
CHARISMA TO SPARE / EMOTIONS SO TRUE

ON ENTRANCE IT’S THERE / AND I HEAR IT

WHY DID I JOIN THAT ENTRANCE ROAR /

WHAT WAS IT FOR?
NOTHING I KNOW

HEIGHTENS A SHOW

LIKE BETTY STARTING THE SCORE – ‘CAUSE

THE PURE JOY IS THERE (CAN YOU FEEL IT?)

AND WE LOVE TO SHARE (THE SOUND OF)

HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!
HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS! HER FLAWS!

First act curtain.

If anyone's interested, a varied menu selection (about 10 songs) of my original Non-Parody theater songs on YouTube is at

http://tinyurl.com/27n954m

Music and Comedy

Monday, February 28, 2011

Hollywood Gowns - Oscars Edition 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Why are so many people getting here through a week-old post on All That Chat?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Last weekend of the Pacino MERCHANT, so...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Hollywood Gown Grammy Edition

Monday, February 7, 2011

Christina Aguilera National Anthem flub parody

Sunday, February 6, 2011

THEATER SQUAWK! act one - parody of Theater Talk [done w/OK of Susan Haskins & Michael Riedel to do a parody]