VIVA MAX!
Act 1
Scene 1 The Office of General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos - early afternoon
Today Is My Day - Max
Scene 2 The Town Square of Nuevo Laredo & the Restaurant Casa Roberto
Nuevo Laredo Awaits You - Max and the Soldiers Trio
I Don’t Think So - Carmela
Scene 3 Max’s Office – that evening
Scene 4 The Washington’s Birthday Parade
Nuevo Laredo March - Salazar, Soldiers and the Future Farmers of America
Scene 5. On the way to San Antonio
Moments on the Road - The Soldiers Trio
Scene 6. Around the Alamo & in the Alamo Gift Shop - late afternoon
Remember the Alamo - Paula, Lulu and Tourists
‘Twas Ever Thus - Paula and Max
Scene 7 simultaneously: Chief Sylvester’s Office & Texas Governor’s Office - evening
Sylvester’s Philosophy - Gotta Give a Guy a Gun - Chief Sylvester and the Texas Rangers
Scene 8 A Display Holding Cell at the Alamo - later that evening
What a Woman Wants – Max (with Paula)
It’s Just I Haven’t Met the Man Yet - Paula and the Soldiers Trio
Scene 9. Alamo courtyard.
More – Max
Scene 10 The Alamo, just inside & just outside the Gate – even later that evening
The Battle between Sylvester’s officers and Max’s soldiers
Act 2
Scene 1 Max’s Dream in the White House Oval Office / Alamo grounds - early next morning
What Do You Do… ? - Lady Bird, Luci, Lynda, LBJ, John Wayne, Reporters, Lulu
Honesty - Max
Holdin’ Down the Fort – Radio Singers, joined by others in the Alamo
Scene 2 The Gift Shop & outside the Alamo Gate
These Are the Gifts – Max.,the Reporters and company
Reprise: Sylvester’s Philosophy - Gotta Give a Guy a Gun
Scene 3 The White House
Scene 4 The Gift Shop & the Courtyard inside the Alamo
Reprise: What a Woman Wants – Lulu and Ungaro
Reprise: Nuevo Laredo March (Crossing the Line) – Salazar, Ungaro and Soldiers
Scene 5 Just outside & just inside the Alamo Gate
I Was Wrong - Paula and Max
Scene 6 The Town Square of Nuevo Laredo, two years later
Finale: Nuevo Laredo Stands Proudly - The Company
VIVA MAX!
ACT 1, SCENE 1: The office of General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos in Nuevo Laredo.
-
An afternoon in the mid-1960s at an army base in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. Private Ungaro is getting Max’s dress uniform ready for him.
SONG: TODAY IS MY DAY
(Throughout the number UNGARO will function as MAX’s valet and help him dress with the hat as a crowning element in the last few bars.)
MAX
LA LA. LA LA LA LA LA. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.
UNGARO
You are sounding very jolly, General.
MAX
I WAS DREAMING I WAS LEVITATING SIX OR SEVEN FEET ABOVE MY BED.
UNGARO
(giving MAX his uniform shirt)
Camiso?
MAX
WHEN I HEARD “WAKE UP, MAN, GET CELEBRATING,” FROM AN ANGEL CHOIR IN
MY HEAD.
(UNGARO hands MAX his uniform trousers.)
Thank you, Private Ungaro!
UNGARO
And did the angels say anything else?
MAX
Oh, yes!
THEY SAID IT’S MY DAY!
THE HEAVENS ALL ALIGNED
AND A MAGICAL
DAY HAS BEEN DESIGNED
FOR SPECIFIC’LLY – ME.
(LIEUTENANT SALAZAR enters)
Ah, Lieutenant Salazar!
SALAZAR
Good day, General.
MAX
HOORAY! IT’S MY DAY!
THERE’S BUZZING IN THE AIR
AND A SPARKLE IN
COLORS EV’RYWHERE
LIKE I TOOK L S D.
Which of course I never would, I’m a Mexican general for heaven’s sake, not some Cal Berkeley flower-child hippie.
SALAZAR
That’s reassuring to know, General.
MAX
ALL I’VE DREAMED AND PLANNED
EV’RY HEART’S DESIRE
COME HERE HAND IN HAND
TO JOIN AND LIFT ME EVER HIGHER
UNGARO
Your coat, sir.
MAX
TODAY IS MY DAY
I’LL TWIST ‘N’ ROCK ‘N’ ROLL
I’LL BE SHOUTING OUT
HOLY GUACAMOL-
E! CAN’T BELIEVE THIS CAN BE.
MY DAY FOR SPECIFIC’LLY ME
SALAZAR
Excuse me, General. I must check that everyone is ready for your fiancée Carmela’s first visit to our town.
(SALAZAR exits)
MAX
Ah yes, Carmela…
BEAUTIFUL AND PALE…
GENTLE VOICE AND LAUGHTER…
LIKE A FAIRY TALE
I KNEW I’D LOVE YOU EVER AFTER!
UNGARO
Boots, sir.
MAX
TODAY IS MY DAY!…
I MEAN, IT’S HER DAY!
WHEN ALL I HAVE I’LL SHARE
WITH MY FIANCÉE
SO EXTRAORDINAIRE
SHE’LL BE HAPPY TO SEE!
UNGARO
The hat your fiancée gave you, sir.
(MAX smiles and takes the General’s hat UNGARO has presented to him but
doesn’t put it on yet.)
MAX
OLÉ! IT’S OUR DAY!
PERMIT ME TO REJOICE
SINGING BESAMÉ
MUCHO IN FULL VOICE
AND A BIT OUT OF KEY
IT’S MY DAY
IT’S HER DAY
(SALAZAR rushes in, breathless.)
SALAZAR
Pardon me, General. The train came in early. She’s here!
MAX
TODAY IS OUR DAY!!!
(MAX puts the hat on as a finishing touch and ALL THREE exit.)
ACT 1, SCENE 2: The Town Square in Nuevo Laredo & the Restaurant Casa Roberto
-
The Town Square. Carmela waits at an outdoor café, while taking in the flavor of the town.
MEN’S TRIO
(Singing directly to CARMELA whom they’ve spotted at the street café.)
SEÑORITA CARMELA
WE JOIN OUR VOICES A CAPELLA
RESOUNDING HIGH
RESOUNDING LOW
TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT YOU ARE SO
WELCOME IN NUEVO LAREDO
(CARMELA gets up from the table and applauds the trio. MAX rushes over.)
MAX
(trying to get to CARMELA)
Carmela, I am so sorry; -- your train got here so early. I wanted to surprise you.
CARMELA
I am already surprised, Max.
(desperate to avoid talking to Max, sees a familiar face)
Ah, Lieutenant Salazar! It’s so nice to see you again.
(She puts out her hand to shake his – he reaches for her hand and instead kisses it, lingering a moment too long, which pleases CARMELA.)
SALAZAR
You look as ravishing as you did when we saw you in Mexico City. Private Ungaro has your bags. I’ll personally make sure he gets them safely back to the base.
UNGARO
(very happy with what he does and his lot in life)
Hi Miss Carmela. May I say that’s a very smart outfit. Is it Chanel?
CARMELA
(still trying to avoid talking to MAX)
You know Chanel, Private Ungaro? Maybe you can guide me to the best shopping spots.
UNGARO
I’m afraid we don’t have fancy shops . . .
MAX (cutting off UNGARO mid-sentence)
Let me guide you to the beauty of our town.
(CARMELA is trying to conceal her horror at what she’s starting to realize her life here with MAX might be like.)
SONG: NUEVO LAREDO AWAITS YOU
MAX & TRIO
NUEVO LAREDO AWAITS YOU
MAX
ON THE EDGE OF THE RIO GRANDE
IN THE HEAT OF THE DESERT SAND
COOLED BY OCEAN BREEZES FROM THE EAST
SHADED BY THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WEST
TRIO
JUST LIKE HE SAYS, WE’RE TRULY BLEST!
MAX & TRIO
NUEVO LAREDO IS READY
MAX
WITH ITS HEART AND ITS OPEN ARMS
TO PARADE ALL ITS FRONTIER CHARMS
IN WAYS YOU’LL FIND BOTH QUIZZICAL AND QUAINT
ABANDONING ALL CITIFIED RESTRAINT
TRIO
A METROPOLIS, THIS VILLAGE AIN’T!
MAX
THERE’S THE MISSION WHERE WE’LL MARRY.
THE ONE CANTINA’S OVER THERE.
THE DRESS-SHOP’S OVER BY THE DAIRY
THE BUTCHER’S WIFE DOES NAILS AND HAIR.
OUR CINEMA IS IN THE COURT THERE.
OUR LAUNDRY HAS A BRAND NEW PRESS.
OUR HOME WILL BE OUT IN THE FORT THERE,
THE LITTLE SUITE ABOVE THE MESS.
CARMELA
Mess?! Our home is above the kitchen?
MAX
We are directly above the dining hall. The center of everything.
MAX & TRIO
NUEVO LAREDO IS GROWING
MAX
BUT IT SO NEEDS YOUR GUIDING HAND
SO IT GRACEFULLY CAN EXPAND
AND REACH THE VERY HEIGHTS OF ITS POTENTIAL
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE EXPONENTIAL
MAX & TRIO
OH, CARMELA, CARMELA,
YOU CAST A SPELL UPON OUR HEARTS
NOW DO AS WELL UPON THIS TOWN
AND BRING IT FAME AND GREAT RENOWN,
MAX
SO STARTING TODAY,
WHEREVER WE GO,
WHATEVER YOU DO AND SAY
IS A GIFT YOU BESTOW
ON OUR NEW HOME
NUEVO LAREDO!
TRIO
NUEVO LAREDO!
(By the end of the song, they are back at the café.)
SALAZAR
While you enjoy your dinner, I’ll make sure the plans are set for our visit across the border tomorrow, to the Washington Birthday Parade. (to Carmela) It’s in our sister city, Laredo, Texas.
UNGARO
There’s a seat for you, of course in the V.I.P. viewing stand. You’ll be right next to the Ambassador and his wife. The limousine will pick you up about 9 a.m.
CARMELA
(sensing maybe the town is a small pond, but this sounds promising)
Oh! The V.I.P. viewing stand! Sounds lovely! Thank you both. Thank you all.
The soldiers exit.
(MAX and CARMELA are seated; CARMELA continues to try unsuccessfully to cover her disappointment in the town.)
(While the conversation is going on, the WAITER appears with a bottle of wine and opens it. MAX smells the cork and nods his approval for the WAITER to pour)
CARMELA
Well, maybe after we eat, we can explore the sanctuary where we’ll be married so I can plan. You know, make sure that people who need to be kept apart can be - kept apart.
For example, we can’t have someone like Tio Victor, a war hero, and a successful businessman sitting next to some someone not so successful.
MAX
All right. Let’s enjoy our meal. Then right after dinner, we can work on the list for our wedding.
CARMELA
Oh, Max, my abuelita was overjoyed. She kept saying, “Marrying a General! Another General in the family! Your mama would be so proud god rest her soul.” And my friends also were so happy at the news of our engagement. Well, a few of my friends were also a bit jealous, but that’s understandable.
MAX
(a stab at romance) As long as you are there, it matters not who else attends.
(to the Waiter) We’d like to order now.
WAITER
(The Waiter is obviously stressed. His tone is sharp)
I’ll be right back. There’s a large party of American tourists that showed up unexpectedly, and I’m behind since we’re all taking care of them. Your patience and understanding will be greatly appreciated, Señor.
CARMELA
You call him Señor? Shouldn’t you call him General?
WAITER
I no longer work for him on the base. I’m sure the Señor understands.
(The waiter walks off towards another table. Carmela is horrified. Max genuinely does not care how the waiter addressed him.)
CARMELA
Maximilian, a man who served under you disrespects you in this way and you don’t react?
MAX (sincerely)
But Carmela, I can not demand of civilians to address me as General. This man decided the military life was not for him, and it is not my place in the modern service to force him -
CARMELA
Once a soldier, always a soldier. my Papà says. A General does not simply cease to demand respect of someone who worked beneath him.
MAX
Carmela, please, calmaté.
CARMELA
This does not seem like the General who courted me, my whole fanily, in Saltillo. The man who claimed to be respected by his people! A man who deserved to be respected.
(CARMELA gets up and walks immediately up to the waiter.)
You! - you apologize to the General immediately for dis-honoring him.
WAITER (to MAX)
You send a beautiful woman to fight for you, General? I see you still haven’t found your cojones.
(CARMELA throws water at the WAITER, who spills something on her dress in return. MAX remains in his seat, trying to play it down and motioning to CARMELA to let it go and be reseated.)
CARMELA
(to MAX, completely disgusted and ready to leave)
Well, it seems nothing here will live up to what I expected, especially you, Maximilian. I’m not even here a few hours, and I’m already fighting your battles while you shrink away.
MAX
Carmela, this is 1967. There is no fight here. Please, listen to me ----
(CARMELA puts up her hand for him to stop talking. She does not want to hear it.
She feels that she's been misled, and knows what she now sees is not a life for her.)
SONG: I DON’T THINK SO
CARMELA
(starting more collected, but building anger during song)
I MUST THANK YOU FOR THE WELCOME AND THE TOUR.
UNBELIEVABLE! BEYOND IMAGINATION
ANY EFFORT FINDING WORDS FOR MY ELATION
WOULD BE HOPELESSLY AND SORELY PREMATURE
BUT DIOS MIO-MY
I CAN’T. I SHOULD. I’LL TRY.
CAN YOU SEE ME SITTING EVERY DAY AT THAT CAFE
WHERE I CATCH THE CULTURAL EVENTS THAT PASS MY WAY
BAREFOOT CHILDREN PLAY AS WOMEN SLAVE AT CHORES
WHILE THE MEN SNEAK OFF TO BOYS TOWN AND THE WHORES?
I JUST DON’T KNOW
BUT I DON’T THINK SO.
CAN YOU SEE ME FREQUENTING THE DAIRY OVER THERE
THE MILKMAN’S WIFE, SHE DROPS HER PAIL AND RUNS TO DO MY HAIR.
WHILE SHAMPOOING FOR MY NEW OUTDATED DO.
I’M SERENADED BY A BAA, A MAA, A MOO.
IT’S QUITE A SHOW,
BUT I DON’T THINK SO.
IN GUAD’LAJARA WHEN WE MET THAT SUMMER,
I THOUGHT: HERE’S A BRIGHT MAN, A REAL UP-AND-COMER.
I NEVER DREAMED YOU’D WIND UP IN THIS BUMMER
OF A HELLHOLE!
WITH OUR HOME ABOVE THE MESS HALL IN THE BIG YARD,
WHERE IT REEKS OF SALSA, REFRIED BEANS AND PIG LARD,
WHO NEEDS PERFUME? EVERY NIGHT I’LL SMELL LIKE A COLD FISH TACO!
WHOA!!
I DON’T THINK SO!
I USED TO DREAM I’D HAVE A HANDSOME GEN’RAL OF MY OWN
LIKE A SIMON BÓLIVAR, MY PAPA, OR PERÓN,
A RESPECTED MAN WITH MUSCLE AND SOME PULL.
BUT A FLOWER SNIFFING FERDINAND THE BULL?!
I MUST SAY “NO”!
YES! I DON’T THINK SO!
WHEN I THINK OF THEN AND NOW
THEN I THINK OF HERE AND YOU
TOWNS LIKE THIS ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEXICO
MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHY WE LOST THE ALAMO
AND TO SPEND MY LIFE
WHICH WILL SEEM LIKE EONS
AS YOUR LOVELY WIFE
AMONG THE ARMADILLOS AND PEONS?!
I THINK I’LL GO
‘CAUSE I DON’T THINK SO!
I thought you had potential in Mexico City. I was wrong.
(CARMELA takes off her engagement ring and throws it at MAX. It lands on the floor. She starts to walk away indignantly; then stops and runs back to retrieve the ring, pocketing it to keep for herself.)
MAX
Don’t go like this. Carmela. CARMELA!!
-
Alone, Max walks back to his office on the base.
ACT 1, SCENE 3: Back in Max’s office
MAX
(arriving at his office, very agitated, practically yelling)
I’m sorry Carmela! Sorry that I’m not the man you want me to be.
(UNGARO and SALAZAR enter unexpectedly.)
UNGARO
General. Are you OK?
MAX
Yes, of course.
SALAZAR
Soooo -- They say Carmela doesn’t have you to kick around anymore?
MAX
Diplomatically put. Keep that up, and soon you’ll be a General just like me.
SALAZAR (puzzled)
Just like you, General?
UNGARO (cutting him off very quickly)
This is for you, General. (hands Max a drink)
And here’s some mail that needs your attention.
SALAZAR
(grabs the mail from UNGARO)
Our troop’s papers for participation in the George Washington birthday parade in our sister city, Laredo, Texas. They always treat you well across the border.
MAX
Next.
SALAZAR
Also, your invitation to the Pan American Friendship Day ceremonies; -- this year in San Antonio on the grounds of the Alamo!
MAX
The Alamo? The last Mexican General to visit the Alamo didn't exactly get welcomed too warmly.
(Maybe a bell tone or note on piano. Max hears Carmela’s words taunting him. It can be an off-stage voice, or a vision of CARMELA can appear on stage – either way, the voice is all in MAX’s mind.)
VOICE OF CARMELA (taunting MAX)
MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEXICO
MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHY WE LOST THE ALAMO
SALAZAR & UNGARO (worried because Max has drifted off)
General?
MAX (A bell has gone off in Max’s head)
Yes, yes. That’s enough excitement for tonight. You may go.
(Once alone, MAX picks up the invitation and reads the location out loud)
San Antonio! The Alamo! What do you think of THAT, Carmela?
(Segue immediately to the intro to the Marching music.)
ACT 1, SCENE 4: Washington’s Birthday Parade, then on the road to San Antonio
-
Max’s troop begins its march from Nuevo Laredo, Mexico to the Parade in Laredo, Texas.
SONG: THE NUEVO LAREDO MARCH
SOLDIERS
(UNGARO, SOLDIER 1, SOLDIER 3 – variously)
(Soldier 3) MY LORD, IT’S EARLY.
(Ungaro) OH, YES.
(Soldier 1) WHO GAVE THE ORDERS?
(Soldier 3) JUST GUESS.
(Soldier 3) FIRST WE WAIT,
(Soldier 1) THEN WE STAND
(Soldier 3) THEN WE’RE AT HIS COMMAND
(1 & 3) WE GO MARCHING WHO KNOWS WHERE OR WHY
(Soldier 3) MY HEAD IS SPLITTING.
(Ungaro) MINE, TOO
TOO MUCH TEQUILA?
(Soldier 3) TOO TRUE.
(Soldier 1) TOO MUCH BEER,
(Soldier 3) TOO MUCH WINE
(Soldier 1) WHY CAN’T THAT MAN SLEEP TILL NINE?
(1 & 3) WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS I WANNA DIE!
(As the parade set rolls on, the soldiers arrive at the holding area for the parade.)
(The Soldiers break formation and start milling around the holding area, awaiting their turn to march in the parade. Parade music and crowd noises can be heard in the background. SALAZAR and MAX make conversation while waiting.)
MAX
I liked our position in the parade better last year.
We have been moved back behind – what? (motions generally toward group in front of them) Farmers and cows?
(MAX sees it is their turn to march)
Ah, -- here we go.
SALAZAR
(To soldiers)
In line, behind the General.
ANNOUNCER
Give a Texas welcome for the soldiers from our sister city Nuevo Laredo, in Mexico.
MAX AND SALAZAR
Forward, march!
COME!
SING OF OUR LAND
SING OF ITS GRAND AND FABULOUS WONDERS!
SOLDIERS (TOGETHER AND VARIOUSLY)
MEXICO IS FULL OF ADVENTURE,
FULL OF MAGICAL STORIES.
FAMOUS PEOPLE, CITIES AND LANDMARKS
GIVING PROOF OF HER GLORIES.
MONTEZUMA’S TOWERING AZTEC
PYRAMIDS IN THE MOUNTAINS
XOCHIMILCO’S GONDOLAS GLIDE BY
FLOATING FLOWERS AND FOUNTAINS
(Max’s group comes to a temporary stop.)
FFA FARMER
Just letting you know, we’re coming to a halt for a moment. One of our cows took sick.
MAX (to Salazar)
We’re waiting for a cow?
FFA FARMER
If you guys could pass down that information to the groups behind you, we’d sure appreciate it.
MAX
(sounding very annoyed)
With pleasure, perhaps you would like us to clean the sick up as well?
FFA FARMER
What’s that?
SALAZAR
Oh, this is not the General’s first language. He meant to say (says very genially) with pleasure and the cleaning joke – that was a joke. I’ll run off to pass the word down to the next group. (He exits very briefly)
FFA FARMER
(There is an awkward pause)
I have quite a few of you guys workin’ on my farm. You all are damn fine workers, don’t understand a word of English. They don’t need no English to pick fruit.
(big laugh)
Your English is real good for a Mexican.
(hands Max a couple of cards)
Here – and also one for your uh-mee-go – let me make you an honorary member of the Future Farmers of America. (Salazar is back.)
MAX
(showing Salazar the card)
Look, Salazar, these people – who are in front of us – are FUTURE Farmers,
(FFA Farmer has left. Max continues.)
They’re not even farmers yet, but it’s ok, because my English is real good.
SALAZAR
I was assured the marching order is random, General.
(The music begins again as the parade is ready to proceed.)
FFA FARMER
(as he waves the group along, as the parade starts up again.)
OK, Future Farmers – let’s go!
FUTURE FARMERS OF AMERICA
WE KNOW OUR COWS
WE KNOW OUR SHEEP
OH, WE KNOW A HEAP ABOUT FARMING
WE KNOW OUR PLOWS
WE SOW TO REAP
WE LOVE THE CHEEPING OF LITTLE CHICKIES
FROM THE ROOSTER CROW AT DAWN
TO THE EARLY EVENING YAWN
WE FALL ASLEEP
KNOWING WE KEEP
THE FUTURE FARMER’S WAY!
SALAZAR
COME! LIFT YOUR HEADS HIGH
SING TO THE SKY WHY WE ARE SO HAPPY- -
SOLDIERS
PROUDLY WE MARCH. WE ARE
SOLDIERS – WHO LIVE – AND DIE– FOR DEAR OLD MEXICO
LOUDLY WE MARCH SO YOU’LL
KNOW WHEN WE COME YOUR WAY
WE ARE COOL BUT AUDACIOUS,
FAIR, SQUARE, KIND, BUT TENACIOUS.
PROUDLY WE MARCH. MAY YOU
NEVER FORGET US TODAY.
FUTURE FARMERS in counterpoint with SOLDIERS
WE KNOW OUR COWS
PROUDLY WE MARCH. WE ARE SOLDIERS
WE KNOW OUR SHEEP
WHO LIVE AND DIE FOR DEAR OLD MEXICO
OH, WE KNOW A HEAP
LOUDLY WE MARCH SO YOU’LL
ABOUT FARMING
KNOW WHEN WE COME YOUR WAY
WE KNOW OUR PLOWS
WE ARE COOL BUT AUDACIOUS
WE SOW TO REAP
FAIR, SQUARE, KIND, BUT TENACIOUS
WE LOVE THE CHEEP-
PROUDLY WE MARCH. MAY YOU
ING OF LITTLE CHICKIES
NEVER FORGET US TODAY
FROM THE ROOSTER CROW AT DAWN
TO THE EARLY EVENING YAWN
WE FALL ASLEEP KNOWING WE KEEP
THE FUTURE FARMER’S WAY!
THE FUTURE FARMER’S WAY! NEVER FORGET US TODAY!
.
(The Parade ends.)
As the scene changes, MAX and his soldiers have finished their marching and are back in the holding area, enjoying some soft drinks and snacks.
ACT 1, SCENE 5 On the road to San Antonio
(After the Parade has ended, MAX and his soldiers are back in the holding area, enjoying some soft drinks and snacks.)
AMBASSADOR
You and your troops did Mexico proud. I’m so sorry not to see Carmela today, but hope to see her at your wedding. Her father and I go way way back.
AMBASSADOR’S WIFE
So subtle. We don’t even know if there’s room for us to be invited. (They all laugh.)
MAX
Ambassador, of course, any celebration I have, you both are always invited.
SALAZAR
Shall I line the men up, sir?
MAX
Yes. I want to get some distance in on our way to San Antonio.
SALAZAR
San Antonio? I receive all orders for you on your behalf, general, and I haven’t -
MAX
Then you’re receiving these orders now – from me – we’re going to San Antonio.
SALAZAR
Oh, you mean that Pan American Friendship thing? That must be over a hundred miles away!
The men have never marched that far!
MAX
If I can do it, so can they.
SALAZAR
If I can do it, so can they?
(very official) Atten-tion!
(The soldiers rush to stand in formation.)
We have a new destination and we leave in five minutes. Pack any food you can from the buffet in the tent and come back immediately.
(The soldiers grab some food, get in formation, and start marching. They see a highway mileage marker with distances to various cities, including San Antonio.)
MOMENTS ON THE ROAD #1
UNGARO
Look at the road sign.
SOLDIER THREE
Wonder which of those places we’re heading for.
THE TRIO
Trio singer #3 COTULLA, THEN THERE’S DILLEY AND PEARSALL
Trio singer #1 THAT’S ONE HUNDRED MILES-PLUS THERE
Trio singer #2 THEN DEVINE AND LYTLE, VON ORMY…
Trio singer #1 IS THERE NO GREYHOUND BUS THERE?!
(They are stopped by a HIGHWAY PATROLMAN)
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
(very nasty and suspicious)
Hey, whoa there, Amigos! Where do you think you’re going?
MAX
A problem?
SALAZAR
No problem, General. Just show him the invitation to the Friendship ceremony.
(MAX pats down his pocket and is relieved when he realizes the invitation is in there. He pulls out the invitation and hands it to the Patrolman. Upon hearing Max referred to as “General,” the HIGHWAY PATROLMAN isn’t quite so sure of himself.)
MAX
We are official invitees to the Pan American Friendship Day.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
You’re two weeks early for that, aren’t you? This does look official, but why are you in Texas so far in advance. I’ll have to call in to my boss and ask…
SALAZAR
Do you want your boss to find out you’re giving trouble to a man the President personally invited to an official Presidential ceremony?
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
This looks like it just has your name, General, what’s with this whole group?
SALAZAR
What would a general be without his men?
(The SOLDIERS all agree.)
MAX
Yes, obviously my men were invited as well. I’m sure they taught you that in your training?
I’ll be sure to commend your courtesy to the President when I see him at the reception. Onward men!
SALAZAR
Forward, march!
(The march continues as the patrolman, slightly dazed, watches them move farther into the distance. Scene continues with the men marching – indication of passing time; it’s getting dark out.)
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
Stupid beaners could all take a bus for less than 20 bucks. They’d be there in like 2 hours.
MOMENTS ON THE ROAD #2
SOLDIERS
Bass Drummer (trio singer #3)
MY BACK IS BREAKING. DAMN DRUM!
Trumpeter(trio singer #1)
MY LIPS ARE LIVER. THEY’RE NUMB.
Soldier (trio singer #3)
I’VE GOT BLISTERS WITH CORNS.
Soldier (trio singer #1)
IT’S LIKE I’M WALKING ON THORNS.
Soldier(trio singer #2)
SO WE WON’T GO HAT DANCING TONIGHT?
SALAZAR
General, the men are quite tired. Maybe we can rest in this field.
MAX
(MAX looks over at the men and as if for the first time, sees how tired they look)
Yes, that’s a good idea.
(as SALAZAR motions to the men to set up camp)
I suppose this is the right time to tell them a little more about our mission.
(A FARMER with a gun suddenly appears. He points it at the soldiers randomly.)
FARMER (threatening)
Freeze!
SALAZAR
Hold on there. Put that gun away, Señor. We can explain.
FARMER
Seen-yore? You a Mesican? You’re in ‘Merica now buddy and it ain’t no crime to shoot a Mesican! Especially one who’s here ILLEGALLY!
MAX
Good evening, sir. I am General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos from the Republic of Mexico, and these are my soldiers.
(MAX holds out his hand to shake but the farmer just stares at it.)
We just wanted to rest for a while on our way to San Antonio.
(The FARMER continues to hold the gun as if ready to use it at a moment’s notice.)
FARMER
You’re right in the middle of my squash. You’re standing on my best ones. We shoot Mesicans for less ‘round here.
MAX
I am sorry about your squash. I totally understand. Look what I have here!
(MAX slowly, so as not to alarm the farmer, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card which he hands to the farmer, who looks at it.)
FARMER
(reading) Honorary Member, Future Farmers of America.
(FARMER’s attitude eases up. Maybe takes off his hat, or some other ways but we see this the same farmer they had interacted with at the parade in Laredo that morning.)
These are my initials. I thought you looked familiar! You guys were so helpful at the parade in Laredo his morning!
MAX
(points towards the men.)
We heard there’s an FFA gathering in San Antonio, so since we’re members now…
SALAZAR (winging it)
Oh! Yes, we hope to get there in time for the tractor driving contest. A fellow Mexican is a leading contender.
(The men nod in agreement. The FARMER stares at them a couple of seconds, then a smile forms on his face.)
FARMER
Well why didn’t ya say so before? Ya know, San Antonio’s a ways away! I've got to take the wife to her mom in town in the morning. We could bring you to the bus station, less than ten bucks would get all of you to San Antonio in an hour and change. If we take the truck, y’all would fit fine.
(The SOLDIERS anxiously start to nod and smiles break out at the idea.)
MAX
(Max looks at the men’s eagerness.)
Yes. We accept your generosity. You are most kind. May I pay for the damage to your squash?
FARMER
The heck with that! Save your cash for the bus ride. The Missus and I will see you in the morning! Night, now!
(The FARMER exits.)
SALAZAR
Good job, men. (very official) Company dismissed! (a bit warmer). Sleep well.
SOLDIER ONE (longingly)
I can’t sleep. My stomach’s making too much noise.
MOMENTS ON THE ROAD #3
TRIO SINGER #1
GUACAMOLE, MOLE POBLANO
TRIO SINGER #2 (as if imagining back home)
BEEF ENCASED IN CORN MASA
TRIO SINGER #3 (with real feeling of yearning)
ENCHILADA, CHILI, CHORIZO
THE WHOLE TRIO
WAIT BACK THERE IN MI CASA
(on the word “casa” – yawning, as if ready to sleep)
FARMER
(enters with wife, in American Gothic-like pose, but smiling)
(shouts at first) Morning! You farmers ready? Our help loaded some fresh biscuits and sausage for y’all on the truck, he’s a Mesican too!
FARMER’S WIFE
It’s a joy for us to get to do foreign farmers a good turn! And nice to have some company on our drive.
SALAZAR
(to Max while the men cheerfully get on the truck)
See, good things came from being behind those Farmers!
MAX
Yes, this mission is working out!
(They suggest movement as if on the truck. They pass a billboard along the road that says “Own a Piece of the Alamo.” It is an advertisement for the Alamo gift shop.)
SOLDIER ONE (pointing to the billboard)
Look at that: Own a piece of the Alamo.
SOLDIER THREE
We’ll see it soon enough.
UNGARO
We’re going to the Alamo?
SOLDIER THREE
That’s where the Friendship party is, right? It was in the paper.
FARMER (bringing truck movement to a stop)
Here's where we’ll let you guys off.
FARMER’S WIFE
Hope the tractor pull is fun. Have a good time. (They wave, then the truck drives off)
BUS DRIVER (calling out)
Number 108 bus to San Antonio is ready for boarding.
(MAX takes out money. The Driver counts the men and hands over bus tickets.)
Great. Here’s your change – and your tickets. We’ll take off once we fill up a little more.
(A few more people get on.)
Express to San Antonio! If your destination is not San Antonio, you’re on the wrong bus.
(They suggest movement as if bus is moving.)
MAX
Now listen up. Everyone. When we get to the grounds in San Antonio, I‘ll look around and figure out the best spot to settle in before we have to turn to official business.
SALAZAR
And remember. We represent Mexico.
SOLDIERS
(PLAYFUL VARIATION ON THEIR MARCH SONG)
MAZATLAN HAS WONDERFUL SURFING,
PRETTY WOMEN AND DRINKING
METROPOL’S OUR TALLEST CATHEDRAL,
THOUGH IT SEEMS TO BE SINKING.
GUAD’LAJARA’S OPEN-AIR MARKET
BUY SERAPES AND RUGS THERE
OLD TIJUANA HAS A GOOD BULL FIGHT
GREAT BORDELLOS AND DRUGS THERE
BUS DRIVER
(calling out) San Antonio city limits. Last stop!
(They disembark and start marching again. A few locals are now pointing at the soldiers and wondering who they are. A local SHERIFF approaches them.)
SHERIFF [could be a female sheriff]
(looking with suspicion over the soldiers in uniform) Stop right there.
MAX
Good afternoon, Officer.
SHERIFF
What business do y’all have here in San Antonio?
MAX
We’re (pauses for a moment, gets an idea, then continues)
We are on our way to be in a new Alamo movie. A sequel. Your Señor John Wayne has graciously asked us to appear with him. We’re marching to The Alamo so they can film our approach.
SHERIFF (excited)
John Wayne! At The Alamo? Wow. Boy, they really like to keep the cinema realistic these days, don’t they? (over the radio) It’s OK, Chief. Just some movie extras.
SALAZAR
So nice to meet you. (while they start moving away) Do you have a card? We’ll make sure you’re invited to the premiere.
SHERIFF
Sure. Here’s a blank summons. Let me mark it Void. My contact info is right on there.
MAX
(to the SHERIFF, as the men start marching away.)
How long until we reach The Alamo?
SHERIFF
Just stay on this path. Less than a half hour. You can’t miss the signs. Hey, do you want a police escort?
SALAZAR
No, we must keep it authentic for the cameras.
MAX
(out loud, but only audience can hear him)
Do you hear that Carmela? Less than a half hour!
(MAX cannot suppress a smile from forming on his face.)
ACT 1, SCENE 6
-
They arrive at The Alamo, where they find Paula leading a tour group and Lulu assisting customers in the gift shop. Some of Max’s men pose as mannequins in the Gift Shop to try to blend in.
SONG: REMEMBER THE ALAMO
PAULA (addressing the tourists in her group)
HEY! WELCOME, ALL! MY LAST GROUP OF THE DAY.
GATHER NEAR!!!
COME LISTEN UP NOW! AS SHAKESPEARE USED TO SAY.
LEND AN EAR!
THE ALAMO IS FULL OF LESSONS MANKIND KEEPS IGNORING
FULL OF CRUELTY, GREED, DISEASE, AND THE FUTILITY OF WARRING
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
WELL, ALAMO IS SPANISH FOR THE FERTILE ASPEN TREE.
AND AN OLD FRANCISCAN MISSION’S WHAT THIS PLACE WAS BUILT TO BE
SO LONG AGO
THE BIRTH OF THE ALAMO!
SO THAT WAS THE ALAMO!
NOW IN MARCHES MEXICO!
THE SOLDIERS KICK THE MONKS OUT AND CONVERT IT TO A BASE.
AND THEN THEY GO DESERT IT AND THE TEXANS TAKE THEIR PLACE.
BUT THE MEXICANS DON’T LIKE THE TEXANS LIVING IN THEIR SPACE
AND HERE WE GO!
THE FIGHT FOR THE ALAMO!
FOR THIRTEEN DAYS
WITH GUNS ABLAZING
THESE MEN ALL WENT THROUGH HELL
OUTMANNED AND SPENT
YET UNRELENTING
UNTIL THE VERY LAST MAN FELL.
REMEMBER THE ALAMO! REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
THE THIRTEENTH DAY AT DUSK TWO-HUNDRED-FIFTY TEXANS DEAD
JIM BOWIE, DAVY CROCKETT, EV’RY SINGLE MAN THEY LED.
A TALE OF WOE.
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
LULU (in the Alamo gift shop)
HEY! SHAKE A LEG, WE CLOSE IN HALF AN HOUR!
DO YA HEAR?!?!?!
GET OUT YOUR WALLETS AND USE YOUR BUYING POW’R!
AM I CLEAR?!
IN A PLACE THAT’S SO AMERICAN AND HOLY SUCH AS THIS IS
YOU REALLY NEED SOME KEEPSAKES FOR THE IN-LAWS, KIDS AND MISSIS!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
WHEN A PLACE IS SO IMPORTANT YOU SHOULD BUY A SOUVENIR
SO THE FOLKS BACK HOME CAN EAT THEIR HEARTS OUT KNOWING YOU WERE HERE
AND YOU CAN CROW!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
THERE’S SO MUCH TO READ AND KNOW!
THESE ILLUSTRATED, ANNOTATED TOILET ROLLS ARE FINDS
AS YOUR CHILDREN SPILL THEIR DOODLYDOOS, THEY’LL FILL THEIR LITTLE MINDS!
AND THEY WILL SOOOOO
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
CHECK OUR DISPLAYS.
AREN’T THEY AMAZING?
SUCH GORGEOUS STUFF TO SELL!!
THIS CROCKETT TENT
WITH ZIPPERED VENTING
A PLACE TO SIT AND SPOON A SPELL.
REMEMBER THE ALAMO! LET’S PUT ON A FASHION SHOW
WHEN YOU JOIN TWO COONSKIN CAPS YOU GET A LOVELY SHOULDER WRAP
ADD A RHINESTONE STUDDED BOWIE KNIFE WITH A BRAIDED SHEATH AND STRAP
AND COMME IL FAUT!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
PAULA & LULU & TOURISTS
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
PAULA
WE MUST ASK OURSELVES WHY FIGHT A WAR IF IT WAS FOUGHT FOR NAUGHT.
LULU
THEN AT HOME YOU LAUGH AND JUST ENJOY THE SOUVENIRS YOU BOUGHT
YOU’LL FEEL THIS GLOW!
PAULA & LULU
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
PAULA, LULU and TOURISTS
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
PAULA
THEY LOST A BLOODY BATTLE AND THEY THINK THEY WON THE WAR!
LULU
HERE’S A BOOK. WE ALL SHOULD READ SO WE’LL KNOW WHAT THE WAR WAS FOR!
PAULA & LULU
THEN BLOW BY BLOW!
PAULA, LULU and TOURISTS
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
PAULA, LULU and TOURISTS
FOR THIRTEEN DAYS
WITH GUNS ABLAZING
THESE MEN ALL WENT THROUGH HELL
OUTMANNED AND SPENT
YET UNRELENTING
UNTIL THE VERY LAST MAN FELL.
REMEMBER THE ALAMO! REMEMBER THE ALAMO!
LULU
YOU CAN TEXAS-SIZE YOUR WHISKEY WITH OUR DAVY CROCKET JIGGER.
PAULA
(to a young tourist who is going to touch one of MAX’s soldiers’ rifle. The soldier is inanimate enough to be a mannequin.)
OH, YOUNG MAN, DON’T TOUCH THAT RIFLE TILL YOU’RE JUST A WEE BIT BIGGER.
LULU
(One of MAX’s soldiers is standing immobile by the ash-trays.)
AN ASH-TRAY WHERE YOU SMASH YOUR BUTT ON GEN’RAL SANTA ANA’S FACE
PAULA & LULU
(PAULA & LULU do a double take about the “mannequin” Mexican soldiers)
I DON’T REMEMBER MANNEQUINS BEFORE AROUND THE PLACE.
PAULA
WELL, I HOPE YOU GOT SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT BEFORE YOU HIT THE ROAD.
LULU
THERE AIN’T A THING IN LIFE THAT CAIN’T BE SERVED UP ALAMO-DE! (A LA MODE)
EVERYONE EXCEPT THE SOLDIERS
REMEMBER THE –
REMEMBER THE -
REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!!
PAULA
(speaking into a microphone on the P.A. system.)
It’s closing time, ladies and gentlemen. Please make your final selections.
LULU
(approaching a customer)
We’re closing. Can I help you with anything on your way out?
CUSTOMER
No. I’m just looking.
LULU
Just looking was fine for this morning or even twenty minutes ago. Here's a pass to cut the admission line any day this week to keep browsing, but tonight, we have to keep on schedule:
(emphatically) We’re closing!!!
MAX
(Grabs the microphone and speaks into it.)
I am General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos, Army of Mexico. On behalf of our people, we are taking back what is -
LULU
Taking back? Oh no. Can’t do that. All transactions are final and . . .
(noticing the presence of more soldiers)
Oh my god, it’s a Commie invasion.
MAX
QUIET! We are taking back what is rightfully ours. From this moment on, the Alamo shall again belong to the people of Mexico.
(Max’s soldiers are shocked; this is the first they hear of this.)
All women, children and elderly people may leave. The rest of you - do not be frightened. You will be safe if you cooperate.
(Some tourists head quickly to the exit. PAULA just stands there.)
MAX (to Paula)
Señorita, you must leave now.
PAULA
Me? No, I work here. I have to stay.
MAX
Please - Women and children should not be in situations like this. ‘Twas ever thus in the annals of history, and will be today, too.
LULU
(approaching Max a little, making fun of him)
‘Twas ever - what? Maybe I could interest you in a nice souvenir Alamo calendar to check what century this is? (points) The remainder half-off items are right behind you –
PAULA
(interrupting, holding Lulu back, protecting her from herself)
Lulu, please -
(to Max) So - you seem to know English literature. Then I’m sure you know Taylor’s "Duties of The Shopkeeper.” (Max doesn’t, but pretends he does.) I’m responsible for every item on these grounds. I’m entrusted not to leave with other people here. ‘Twas ever thus as well. And will be today.
MAX
We do not detain women!
PAULA
Detain? Oh, you mean you’re taking hostages, don’t you? Is that all men know how to do?
SONG: ‘TWAS EVER THUS
HERE WE GO AGAIN… (MAX: Again?)
I MEAN
HISTORY AND MEN… (MAX: You mean us?)
I MEAN
I COULD TALK BUT THEN
WHAT’S THE USE?! (MAX: But Senorita, I too am a student of history and I…)
JUST LOOK AT THE PAST… (MAX: Oh we have and that’s…)
I MEAN
WE SHOULD BE AGHAST… (MAX: And that’s why we’ve…)
I MEAN
THE CRUELTIES ARE VAST (MAX: Well, we have no intention of….)
THE ABUSE! (MAX: I assure you we won’t be..)
NO EXCUSE! (MAX: Okay, I won’t say another word…)
LET ME TELL YOU!:…
MAX (to himself)
A WOMAN NEEDS TO TALK. THIS ISN’T NEWS!
THEY’RE GENETICALLY COMPELLED TO SHARE THEIR VIEWS.
PAULA
FROM CAIN AND ABEL TO VIET NAM
THE CAVEMAN CLUB TO THE ATOM BOMB
WHAT’S TO DISCUSS?
‘TWAS EVER THUS.
MAX (to himself)
SHOULD I TELL HER WE’VE NO CLUB OR BOMB ON HAND
OR A WATER PISTOL OR A RUBBER BAND?
PAULA
FROM BABY TODDLER TO OLD CURMUDGEON
YOU GET YOUR WAY WITH A WELL-TIMED BLUDGEON
NO MUSS, NO FUSS
‘TWAS EVER THUS.
MAX (to himself)
SHE’S RIGHT. A MAN OF MINE ONCE THREW A PUNCH
TO GET THE LAST TAMALE LEFT AT LUNCH.
PAULA
GHENGIZ KHAN, ATTILA THE HUN, NAPOLEON
TAUGHT THEIR MEN THE MASCULINE WAY THE WORLD IS WON:
LET’S GO FIGHT, SIR!
MIGHT IS RIGHT, SIR!
THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE!
YOU DON’T INVITE, SIR,
A MOHATMAS GHANDI OR AN ALBERT SCHWEITZER!
MAX (to himself)
SHE SAYS I’M LIKE GHENGIZ KHAN?! I CAN’T AGREE!
BUT NAPOLEON? OH, YES, WITH HIM I SEE.
PAULA
IT DOESN’T MATTER ONE WHIT WHO‘LL SUFFER.
IT ONLY MATTERS WHO’S BIGGER, TOUGHER.
THEY STAMP AND CUSS
‘TWAS EVER THUS!
MAX (to himself)
THERE’S SO MUCH IN LIFE FOR WHICH SHE SEEMS TO CARE
AND SHE NEVER TALKS OF MAKE-UP, CLOTHES OR HAIR!
PAULA
MARTIN LUTHER KING, BUDDHA, WHITMAN, SAINT INEZ
I HOLD DEAR EACH PEACE-LOVING THOUGHT THAT EACH ONE SAYS
I EXPLORE THEM
I LIVE FOR THEM (all of a sudden remembering)
OH! AND JOAN BAEZ!
HOW I ADORE THEM!
AND MY GIRL JANE FONDA SAYS WE CAN’T IGNORE THEM!
MAX (to himself)
I HAVE NEVER MET A WOMAN WITH GOOD LOOKS
WHO HAS EVER READ SO MANY HIST’RY BOOKS.
PAULA
SO HERE YOU ARE AT THE ALAMO
YOU THINK YOU’RE GREAT AT THIS MAN THING, NO?
GET ON THE BUS!
‘TWAS EVER THUS!
MAX (to himself)
IT IS ODD THIS FEELING BEING RIPPED APART
WHILE I’M THINKING, “HEY! THIS WOMAN’S VERY SMART.”
PAULA
PREDICTABLE JUST LIKE DEATH AND TAXES
THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS HAVE GEN’RAL MAX-ES
“WHEN DOES IT STOP?!,”
JUST BETWEEN US:
IT DOESN’T STOP.
‘TWAS EVER THUS.
MAX (to himself)
MY CARMELA NEVER TALKED TO ME LIKE THIS.
THIS IS SOMETHING I COULD REALLY GROW TO MISS.
PAULA and MAX
‘TWAS EVER EVER THUS!
‘TWAS EVER THUS.
MAX
Senorita, please, I am doing my job, too, and that is to bring honor to the people of Mexico. Salazar, escort this lady out!
(MAX waves him over and motions for him to escort PAULA out. After a momentary staring contest with MAX, SALAZAR takes PAULA’s arm gently escorting her towards the exit, while she continues to resist leaving.)
PAULA
(a bit craftily to get everyone else set free, a bit intrigued by MAX)
Look, all you need is one hostage to get them to listen to you, and I’ll be that hostage.
LULU
Well, I'm not going anywhere either, no matter what this other Commie says.
SALAZAR
You heard him, women, children and the elderly must leave.
LULU
I am not elderly, this is just how I dress for work, and don’t underestimate the strength of a woman with comfortable shoes.
SALAZAR
I underestimate no one.
LULU
Well, I’m not leaving. If I have to go down in a blaze of glory, I want it to be while fighting against the Commies.
UNGARO
(running over and interrupting)
We’re not Commies. We’re just trying to take back the Alamo for Mexico.
LULU
That’s practically the Merriam-Webster American as apple pie definition of Commie.
PAULA
Lulu, please leave, I know I’ll be fine if it’s me you’re worried about.
LULU
I refuse.
(Lulu grabs a pair of handcuffs and latches herself onto a nearby table.)
MAX
Where are the keys to those handcuffs?
PAULA
There are no keys.
MAX
You mean they're just a toy?
(MAX walks over and simply opens the cuffs, removing them from Lulu’s wrists.)
LULU
I wanted to show you I meant business. Look, this is what I want to do. My Alamo’s always been here for me, I want to be here for my Alamo.
(The soldiers seem a bit touched by her passion. LULU gets a little tougher)
So - I’m not leaving until every last one of you is on your way to a jail cell.
PAULA
Lulu, that’s not helping.
(hopefully, to Max)
But - Look, if you have both of us, then you can certainly let the others go.
MAX (to the others)
Okay, you can leave.
PAULA (as a few people leave)
And tell them Lulu and I are going to be fine. Something tells me I’m right about that.
(craftily, using her appeal as a tool, though not entirely comfortable about doing it)
You two won’t make a liar out of me, will you?
MAX
Most certainly not, Miss -- ?
PAULA
Paula
MAX
You shall be our honored guest, Miss Paula.
.
SOLDIER ONE
(entering)
The locks to the gate are secured, sir. And the flag of Mexico waves high above the entrance.
MAX
Good.
(picks up telephone, dials Operator.)
Hello, get me whoever is in charge of San Antonio. Yes, the police. Good. Hello, police? We’re calling from inside the Alamo. I am General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos, and (Brief pause, as if listening) …I’m seeking the deed to The Alamo.
PAULA
(shouting from the cell)
You can tell him we’re Ok and we’re being treated well.
LULU
(shouting, also from the cell)
Well, so far, anyway.
MAX
(to SALAZAR, with hand covering receiver of phone)
He’s giving me 30 minutes to surrender.
SOLDIER ONE (entering)
We looked over the gate, General. Police cars are starting to arrive. Also, it looks like some reporters are starting to gather by the gate. And cameras.
(MAX and SALAZAR step outside the gift shop to survey the situation. LULU hears the word “reporters” and motions to UNGARO.)
LULU
Cameras!!!
I need to go, you know, squeeze a lemon.
(Not getting her thought across, she starts acting it out, like charades, only still talking).
You know, visit Mrs. Murphy, powder my nose.
UNGARO
Oh, inspect the plumbing! That’s what my sister says. You mean the latrine!
(LULU points to her nose, “on the nose” charades move.
UNGARO and LULU exit.)
(Lights up on a police deputy and a volunteer just outside The Alamo)
VOLUNTEER
Yes, Officer, the loud one is Lulu. She wouldn’t say she was fine if she wasn’t. As long as these guys stay in the gift shop, you should be able to hear what’s going on over the walkie-talkie. They didn’t see me leave it there when they were rushing everyone out.
POLICE DEPUTY
You sure you’re not a cop? Good work. Thank you.
(The VOLUNTEER salutes and exits.)
(MAX heads over to where the soldiers are guarding PAULA)
(MAX looks around and notices someone missing.)
MAX
Where’s Miss Lulu?
(PAULA gives a quick glance to SALAZAR, as if she’s unsure how to answer)
SALAZAR
When she heard there were photographers, she insisted on what she called “pulling herself together.” Ungaro is watching her.
UNGARO (enters)
You won’t believe this – I present - Miss Lulu!
(LULU enters, looking like she’s ready for a night on the town)
LULU
Well, I wasn’t going to risk winding up on TV looking like I just spent the whole day at work.
PAULA
I love that dress, Lulu.
LULU
(no subtlety and broadly nudge-nudge like)
It was sitting in the lost and found. I’m guessing whoever took it off and then after who-knows-what walked out the gate without it will always REALLY remember the Alamo.
(She explains to the soldiers
The Alamo has its own version of the mile-high club - if you get my drift.
SALAZAR
I believe even the Davy Crockett mannequin gets your drift.
LULU
She never came back for it, it was just laying there, so I figured…
UNGARO
I helped with the accessories!
LULU(to Paula)
Don’t ask. I’ll tell you later.
ACT 1, SCENE 7 : San Antonio Police Headquarters and later, simultaneously, the Texas Governor’s office.
(Some officers are gathered around a desk listening to MAX and SALAZAR through the walkie-talkie.)
SYLVESTER (entering)
That walkie-talkie thing working?
OFFICER
You gotta hear this, Chief.
MAX
(heard over walkie-talkie)
There’s not going to be any attack, Salazar.
SALAZAR
(heard over walkie-talkie)
I hope you’re right. We thought we were going right home after the parade. We have no supplies. We have no ammunition.
MAX
(heard over walkie-talkie)
But they don’t know that.
SYLVESTER
Is this a joke? No ammunition? Am I on that TV prank show?
OFFICER
No ammo. That’s what they’re saying, Chief.
SYLVESTER
(yells at the walkie-talkie). They obviously know we’re listening to them. This thing’s of no use. (tosses it in the trash)
OFFICER
Chief, The Governor’s on line 1.
(SYLVESTER picks up phone, listens for a moment.)
SYLVESTER
Yes, Governor. I gave him thirty minutes to get out, and it’s almost two hours.
GOVERNOR
Seems he was here for that Washington Birthday parade in Laredo the other day. He is who says he is - a Mexican general, and his army is a real Mexican army.
(An officer hands Sylvester a note.)
SYLVESTER
We just got word from the Feds. A negotiating team is on the way from Houston, should be in San Antonio within the hour.
GOVERNOR
OK, here’s the plan, Sylvester. The election’s in November, and I’ve got a primary to get through first. If the press finds out we went in there, guns blazing, when we had reports they had no ammo, I’m gonna lose my big donors. We don’t want to make that happen, do we Sylvester?
SYLVESTER
No sir, of course not!
GOVERNOR
Good. So you’re gonna find a way to get them out - peacefully. And none of your men are gonna take the first shot.
SYLVESTER
But . . .
GOVERNOR
That’s a direct order, Sylvester.
(Governor hangs up the phone.)
SYLVESTER
(to one of his officers)
The Governor never lets me do it my way.
OFFICER
What way would that be, Chief?
SONG: YOU GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN
SYLVESTER
SHOOT!!! (cursing – then someone raises their gun)
NO, I MEAN DON’T SHOOT!!!
I MEAN “DANG!”
I MEAN “NO BANG-BANG-BANGING OUR WAY OUT OF THIS.”
I MEAN “HANG IT ALL!
THE GOLL DURN GALL! I MEAN…
YA GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN
TO MAINTAIN LAW AND ORDER
DEFEND OUR SOUTHERN BORDER
FROM ANY ALI-UN.
IF YA MAKE ‘IM GIVE AWAY HIS GUN
AND RAISE AND WAVE HIS HANKY
LIKE A PRISSY, SISSY YANKEE
IT’S UN-AMERICUN!
GOD BLESS OUR CONSTITUTION
AND THE SACRED SECOND ADD-IN-MENT
AND ALL THAT OUR FOUNDERING MEN MEANT
WHEN THEY WROTE IT!
GOD BLESS THE NRA! THE KKK! AND WHATEVER THEY SAY!
I CAN’T REMEMBER NOW OR I WOULD QUOTE IT!
EXCEPT - YA GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN.
IT MAKES A MAN FEEL MANLY,
MAKES ANY BRUCE OR STANLEY
EXTREMELY MASCULUN.
YES, YA GOTTA GIVE…
GOTTA GIVE A GUY…
GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!
RANGER #1
WITH A GUN YA GOT THE WORLD TO RULE
YOU’RE KING OF ALL THE SPECIES
FROM WHALES TO PARAMEECES (SYLVESTER: Whut?!)
THEM WATER BUGS AT SCHOOL
RANGER #2
WHEN YA SEPARATE A GUY FROM GUNS
THEN HE’S VULN’RABLE TO SHOOTIN’
LIKE HE’S NEKKID IN HIS UNION SUIT ‘N’
EXPOSIN’ BOTH HIS BUNS!
RANGERS
GOD BLESS OL’ SAMUEL COLT
AND MISTER REMINGTON AND WINCHESTER!
SYLVESTER
BECAUSE OF THEM WE WON THE WESTERN STATES FROM FOR’NERS!
RANGERS (variously)
GOD BLESS THE GREAT JOHN BIRCH,
THE BAPTIST CHURCH,
THE MCCARTHY SEARCH
FER KEEPIN’ US ALL PURE FROM HEATHEN BORN-ERS.
SYLVESTER
THAT’S WHY…
WHEN YA ARGUE WITH SOME LAME BRAINED NUT,
YOU’LL FIND THAT YOUR REVOLVER
IS THE PERFECT PROBLEM SOLVER
TO HELP ‘IM SEE WHUT’S WHUT!
SYLVESTER & RANGERS
YES, YA GOTTA GIVE…
GOTTA GIVE A GUY…
GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!
LADY RANGER
WHEN YA GO AND GIVE A GUY A GUN
WATCH SOME DUMPY, FRUMPY, SHORTY!
BECOME DASHIN’! SMASHIN’! SPORTY!
A HOT PHEE-NOM-UH-NUN!
RANGER #3
WITH A GUN A GUY CAN BE ON GUARD
BE READY FOR THEM BRUSH-INS
WHEN VIET CONG AND RUSSIANS
COME SNEAKIN’ IN YER YARD.
SYLVESTER
GOD BLESS OUR GREAT REPUBLIC….
RANGERS
OH THE GREAT REPUBLIC OF TEXAS!
SYLVESTER
LORD, WHY DID WE LET ‘EM ANNEX US
TO THAT UNION?!?!
ALL
GOD BLESS THE ALAMO!
IT JUST CAIN’T GO
BACK TO MEXICO
RANGERS (variously)
AND SOME AZTEC…
BEANER,…
SPANIARD…
OR CANCUNYUN!
SYLVESTER
DEAR JESUS!
SYLVESTER & RANGERS
YA GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!
DON’T WANT NO ONE TO TRIFLE
WITH HIS PISTOL OR HIS RIFLE
‘CUZ WHEN ALL IS SAID ‘N’ DONE
THIS GUNNIN’ IS JUST FUN!
YES, YA GOTTA GIVE…
GOTTA GIVE A GUY…
GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!
BANG!!!
ACT 1, SCENE 8: In and around the holding cell at the Alamo
Paula and Salazar are together by the Alamo display holding cell. Lulu is listening in, but very unsuccessfully pretending not to be eavesdropping.
SALAZAR
So tell me, what is an attractive young lady such as you doing selling gifts in a gift shop?
PAULA
Excuse me, we’re here in a cell. Aren’t you choosing an odd time to practice a pick-up line?
LULU
You know what all those Commies want!
SALAZAR
Equality among all people no matter what their skills or what they can do? No, that is not me, really. I don’t think I am, what you call, a Commie.
LULU
(shrugs, suddenly not all that sure of what a Commie is after all)
Er, well, besides that.
SALAZAR (focus totally on Paula)
I’ve been wondering something. Why would such a woman, with so much to look forward to, just volunteer to be at risk?
PAULA
He let ten more people go because I stayed. That was a very good bargain. Hey, Lieutenant -
SALAZAR
Please. Won’t you call me Manuel?
PAULA (nods)
You don’t seem to be into this whole takeover thing like your General is.
SALAZAR
You spoke before about doing your job. It’s my job to do as the General says. But still try to keep him from getting harmed while I do that.
(MAX is walking by, and very noticeably stop when he realizes realizes they’re talking about him.
MAX joins Lulu in listening.)
PAULA
So let me understand this. The General brought you men from Mexico, you all marched in a parade, then he put all of you in harm’s way – for the love of a woman?
(Max and Lulu look at each other, Max indicating that yes, that sounds right.)
SALAZAR
Well, it’s not that simple…well actually I think it is that simple, but I’m sure there are other reasons for his actions. Besides, love makes normal smart people act a little bit strange..
PAULA
Strange, no! I’d say love is more like
A little bit – I don’t know, maybe a little loco?
SALAZAR
Loco! Maybe, that could be a bad way of describing a romantic.
(MAX makes his presence known, maybe clearing his throat, that he is listening to whatever they say)
Hello, General.
LULU
(to Max, really cutting through the BS, going to the source, getting right to the point)
What do you think you are? Loco or romantic?
PAULA (laughing)
Have you two been listening the whole time!
LULU
As I think Alice Ghostley, or maybe it was Gracie Allen, said: You two knew you were talking out loud, didn’t you?
SONG: WHAT A WOMAN WANTS
MAX
Many think love makes no sense, and it probably doesn’t,. It’s in literature through the ages, and it’s in stories that you follow feelings between a man and a woman over generations, and there does seem to be a common thread.
TOO MANY MEN
ARE SURE THAT THEY KNOW
WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT.
BUT THEIR BLIND IMPRUDENCE
MAKES THEM STUPID STUDENTS!
THEY’RE DOOMED TO COMMIT SO MANY WRONGS.
WHICH OF COURSE IS THE SOURCE OF SO MANY SAD SONGS.
PAULA
AND THE WRITERS KNEW WHAT MAKES A WOMAN TICK?
MAX
SEÑORITA, IF YOU READ THE CLASSICS, THERE’S NO TRICK.
A WOMAN WANTS A MIRROR
IN HER LOVER’S EYES
WHERE SHE SEES
BEAUTY… PASSION…
A SOUPÇON OF SURPRISE.
A SHUDDER OF ANTICIPATION
IN UTTER APPRECIATION
AWAITING HER RESPONSE
THAT’S WHAT A WOMAN WANTS.
A WOMAN WANTS SOME MUSIC
IN HER LOVER’S VOICE
WHERE SHE HEARS
SIREN… SINGING…
LEAVING HER NO CHOICE.
A MELODY OF INVITATION
TEMPTATION AND TITILLATION.
IT LINGERS AND IT HAUNTS
THAT’S WHAT A WOMAN WANTS.
GIVE HER A PEDESTAL TO RAISE HER.
AND GIVE HER YOUR MUSCLE AND YOUR MIGHT.
GIVE HER YOUR FULL SUPPORT AND PRAISE HER
SHE’LL BREAK THROUGH HER FEARS AND MAKE HER DREAMS TAKE FLIGHT.
A WOMAN WANTS A PROMISE
IN HER LOVER’S HEART
WHERE SHE READS
COMFORT… SAFETY…
HER LIFELONG COUNTERPART
A RESERVOIR OF STIMULATION
PERPETUAL INNOVATION
A DAILY RENAISSANCE
THAT’S WHAT A WOMAN WANTS.
UNGARO (entering)
General, Lieutenant, there’s a call on the hospitality line in the mess hall. It sounds like a news station.
(SALAZAR and MAX exit.)
LULU
You mean you really don’t see anything in that Manuel fellow? He seems to think pretty clearly, and he’s clearly thinking about you.
PAULA
Who? Manuel? The Lieutenant? With the pick-up lines from the movies on the Late Show? He’s just looking for something to – like you said about that gal with the dress, someone to “remember the Alamo” by –
(LULU laughs) And I’m not interested in being that someone.
LULU (shrugs)
Well, I didn’t catch that about the Lieutenant. How about the General, I never thought a Commie could be that romantic. and there's never anything better than getting someone hooked while they're on the rebound. Then ya got him for life. Or as long as ya want him.
(Paula is just not sure. Music starts.)
But maybe you’ve been on the dating scene longer than I ever was before I found Charlie. Really, Paula, honey, who are you waiting for?
SONG: IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET
PAULA
I DON’T WANT A SUAVE AND NARCISSISTIC LATIN LOVER,
OR AN OIL TYCOON FROM DALLAS AT MY DOOR,
OR A TANNED AND GREASY MUSCLED UP ADONIS.
I WANT SOMETHING LESS BUT SOMEHOW SOMETHING MORE.
I DON’T WANT A POTHEAD FLOWER CHILD WHO FOUNDS A COMMUNE,
OR A GLORY GUY WITH GUNS, GUNG-HO FOR WAR,
OR A BEER-GUT GUY WHO SNORES OFF WATCHING FOOTBALL,
THEY ARE NOT AT ALL WHAT I’D BE FALLING FOR.
IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,
BUT OH, I KNOW HE’S OUT THERE STILL.
AND HE’S SMART, AND HE’S KIND,
WITH THE WHOLE WORLD ON HIS MIND,
AND HE’S FINDING US A WAY TO MAKE IT BETTER.
IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,
BUT HEY, SOMEDAY I KNOW I WILL.
(THE TRIO OF SOLDIERS hum under the next lyrics)
HE’LL BE LEADING A CROWD
SPREADING WISDOM CLEAR AND LOUD.
I’D BE PROUD TO BE STANDING BY HIS SIDE!
THE TRIO
RIGHT BY HIS SIDE!
PAULA
MAYBE HE’LL BE AT THE STUDENT UNION AT THE COLLEGE,
OR HE’S STANDING ON THE STEPS AT CITY HALL,
OR HE’S HANDING PAMPHLETS OUT AT SOME FIESTA,
OR HE’S SHAKING HANDS WITH SHOPPERS AT THE MALL.
IT COULD BE A MORNING WHEN I’M JOGGING BY THE RIVER
THE TRIO
(faux panting)
HUFF! HUFF! HUFF!
PAULA
OR AN EVENING WHEN I’M ORD’RING CHINESE RIBS
THE TRIO
YUM!
PAULA
MAYBE AFTER WORK, OH HELL, WHENEVER IT MIGHT BE
I’LL RUN UP TO HIM AND GRAB HIM AND SHOUT – “DIBS!”
THE TRIO
(variously)
(2.) DIBS! (3.) DIBS! (1.) DIBS!
PAULA & THE TRIO
IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,
PAULA
AND SO I GO ON DAY TO DAY.
TRIO SINGER #1
DAY TO DAY…
(THE TRIO ahhh under the next lyrics)
PAULA
DO SOME WORK, VOLUNTEER,
DEMONSTRATE THEN SHARE A BEER,
THE TRIO
BEER!!!
(THE TRIO resume ahhing)
PAULA
BUT ONE THING IS REALLY CLEAR:
THE MAN’S A SLOWPOKE!
PAULA & THE TRIO
NO JOKE!
IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,
PAULA
AND THOUGH THERE’S NO KNOWN E.T.A.,
TRIO SINGER #1
NO E.T.A.
(THE TRIO ahhh under the next lyrics)
PAULA
IN MY DREAMS I CAN SEE
HOW COMPATIBLE WE’LL BE
AS HE JOINS UP WITH ME TO BE A “WE.”
THE TRIO
(3.) WE! (1.) WE! (2.) WE! (ALL THREE) WE!!!
IT’S JUST SHE HASN’T MET THE MAN YET
PAULA
AND HE JUST HASN’T MET ME.
TRIO SINGER #1
HAVEN’T MET THE MAN.
TRIO SINGER #2
HAVEN’T MET THE MAN.
TRIO SINGER #3
WHERE THE HELL’S THE MAN?!
THE TRIO
ANDALE! HURRY UP! DIBS!
(LULU moves to PAULA and gives her a big hug)
ACT 1 SCENE 9. The Alamo courtyard.
(MAX is alone obsessing about what PAULA had said.)
MAX
Out of my mind! Loco! To do all this for a woman who doesn’t want me. That’s what she said, Carmela.
VOICE OF CARMELA (in Max’s head)
MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEXICO
MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHY WE LOST THE ALAMO
SONG: MORE
MAX
MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS ALWAYS READING BOOKS
AS I’D TAKE OCCAS’NAL LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW
WHAT I KNEW OF LIFE IS NOTHING THAT I’VE LIVED.
ONLY SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE LIVED BEFORE ME.
ALWAYS THE OBSERVER, NEVER ONCE THE ACTOR,
NEVER ONCE A FACTOR IN THE OUTCOME.
AND NOW I MUST BE DIFF’RENT… A LEADER, HERO, WINNER…
IT’S NO TIME TO LET AN INNER BOUT OF DOUBT COME.
MORE. MORE. LET ME BE MORE.
MORE THAN I THOUGHT THAT I COULD BE
A MAN OF ACTION, DEED AND WORD
RESPECTED, FOLLOWED, HEARD.
I NEED TO BE SO MUCH MORE
MORE, MORE, I SHOULD BE MORE,
MORE TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
SOMEONE WORTHY OF THEIR TRUST
STEADY, STRONG AND JUST
SOMEHOW I WILL BE MUCH MORE
I KNOW HOW BAD THE ODDS
ARE IN THIS ENDEAVOR
THE PROVERBIAL GODS
ARE NOT ON MY TEAM
BUT WHEN IT’S SAID AND DONE
FOR NOW AND FOREVER
I WILL HAVE WON,
OR I WILL HAVE FAILED,
BUT I DID LIVE THE DREAM.
MORE. MORE. I WILL BE MORE.
MORE TO THIS WORLD THAT I LIVE IN.
CARMELA, ALL I STRIVE TO DO
CAN’T BE JUST FOR ME AND YOU,
LET ME SAY IT ONCE AGAIN
NOW FOR MY COUNTRY AND MY MEN
I WILL BE MORE!
I WILL BE MORE!
I WILL BE MORE!
(Lights are by now also fully up on CARMELA at home with her sister LOUISA back in Saltillo in Mexico.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER (still heard over the radio)
That was the Mexican ambassador confirming: He was given no orders, and this is not an approved military action. The Governor has assured the ambassador that the state of Texas will do everything in its power to ensure a peaceful resolution.
CARMELA (to her sister)
What could he be thinking? This does not sound like Max either.
SISTER (LOUISA)
Our family may have dodged a bullet. It’s good that we are not associated with him.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Sources report that this behavior is very out of character for the general.
CARMELA
Something must have happened to push him into such drastic behavior …I wonder what that could have been.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Specialists speculate that there must have been some kind of trauma that caused the general to go rogue. Our team believes that the catalyst could be the recent dissolution of his engagement to Carmela Contreras, the daughter of war hero General Lorenzo Contreras, and sister of renowned actress and chart-topping recording artist Louisa Contreras.
LOUISA (impressed)
This is a very informative news program.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
This is Emiliano Mendez reporting for La Gente, the most informative news program in Mexico.
CARMELA
(turns off radio)
I must clear our family name. I’m going to the Alamo!
LOUISA
I’ll drive you. I don’t want to miss this. I mean, you may need back-up.
(Carmela starts packing as Max starts the end of the song.)
MAX
MORE. MORE. I WILL BE MORE.
MORE TO THIS WORLD THAT WE LIVE IN.
CARMELA, ALL I STRIVE TO DO
THAT STARTED JUST FOR ME AND YOU,
LET ME SAY IT ONCE AGAIN
FOR YOU, OUR COUNTRY AND MY MEN
I WILL BE MORE!! I WILL BE MORE!! I WILL BE MORE!!
ACT 1, SCENE 10: THE ALAMO, JUST INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE ALAMO GATE
(Light first outside the Alamo entrance; Sylvester and his men are assembling.)
POLICE OFFICER
Chief Sylvester, the news desk from the Trib was tipped off that the Mexicans have no ammunition. They want an update.
SYLVESTER
Governor’s office must be leaking again. Just tell them we’re going in and will try to resolve this quickly - and peacefully.
DEPUTY
Team One, you’ll be first in on the ladders. Someone’ll be on the ground to catch you if you need to jump off.
SYLVESTER (to his men)
As soon as you have them all rounded up, we’ll cart the whole lot out of there and escort them into Downtown Holding. (a bit crazy and edgy) Peacefully, of course!
(inside the Alamo)
SALAZAR
General, please tell me you have a plan that I can give the men.
MAX
Truly Salazar, I didn’t believe it would come to this.
SALAZAR
What were you expecting?
SOLDIER ONE
(interrupting before Max can answer)
General, they’re climbing up ladders! They’re coming over the wall!
SALAZAR
We have to do something! Anything!
MAX (thinking quickly)
Everybody! To the Gift Shop!
LULU (shouting after them)
Oh, no, not my Gift Shop! You break it, you pay for it!
(A phone starts ringing)
Who would call at a time like this?
(She shouts into phone, not sounding remotely hospitable)
Alamo hospitality, Lulu here.
RADIO REPORTER
(in a light at side of stage)
I got someone inside! This is Joe Hill, KTSA, Talk San Antonio. Can I put you on the air?
LULU
Sure. Why not?
(suddenly like she’s a pro at this)
Hello, San Antonio!
RADIO REPORTER
We’re on the air with Lulu, from Alamo Hospitality, who is actually inside the Alamo. You’re on the air. Can you tell us what’s going on?
BATTLE BETWEEN SYLVESTER’S MEN & MAX’S MEN
Depending on the resources of the production: this can be a choreographed scene, as Max’s men improvise by grabbing anything they can find in the Gift Shop.
LULU
(like she’s reporting, as soldiers are all moving around her)
Well, Garcia’s got some of the nickel postcards, you know you can get a package of six for 25 cents in the shop or by mail order, and he’s throwing them like Frisbees.
(pause)
Ooh, Ungaro got a six dollar 95 cents coonskin cap and put it over that guy’s eyes, then sent him back outside the wall. That’s an exclusive cap, only from us, but we do Cash On Delivery!
(pause) Hey, be careful, if it gets ripped, I’ll have to discount it at the bargain table.
(pause)
Oh gee, Salazar broke up an absolutely stunning set of rare Alamo statues; you know, they only made 200 and they make a perfect gift for any occasion.
And now he’s handed one to someone coming over the gate, and he nudged the guy back over the wall.
(shouts)
Is that statue gone or can we get it back?
I wonder if we can get a premium on it for being in an actual confrontation.
RADIO REPORTER
Wow! Make sure you stay safe, Lulu! I can catch up with you later if there’s any danger.
LULU
Ooh, ooh, good! Now they’re just using the family stuff - rubber bayonets, toy Bowie knives, plastic ashtrays! All pretty indestructible stuff, that even a three year old can’t break.
(The hubbub stops.)
OK, now, it’s gotten quiet. I’m gonna hang up and ring up the inventory damage.
(By the end, miraculously, all of Sylvester’s men have been fended off.)
MAX
Is everyone still here?
SYLVESTER (in a state of disbelief)
I’m gonna get them sons of bitches!
ACT 2, SCENE 1: Max’s Dream in the White House Oval Office / Alamo Gift Shop - early next morning
-
As act 2 begins, the lights come up on a huge bed in the Oval Office. Lady Bird Johnson, in a nightgown and curlers, sits on the side of the bed, looking at the phone as it rings. Max is sleeping. This is his dream.
SONG: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING?
LADY BIRD
(in counterpoint to snoring by President L.B.J.)
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING
AND YOU GET THAT TELEPHONE CALL?
AS THE FIRST LADY RES’DENT
WITH THE U-S-A PRES’DENT
LORD, WHAT ‘S THE CORRECT PROTOCOL?
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING
IF THE CALL TURNS OUT NOTHING AT ALL?
HE WON’T LIKE THE DISTURBIN’
SINCE HE HAD ALL THAT BOURBON
WITH THE MAHARAJAH OF BENGAL
THROUGHOUT THE ELECTION I FEARED THIS
THAT I WOULDN’T BE UP TO THE TASK
THE COUNTRY’S PROTECTION? HOW WEIRD THIS?
ARMED WITH MY CURLERS AND FACIAL MASK.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING
AND YOU GET THE TELEPHONE CALL?
IT’S SO HARD TO IGNORE FOR
IT COULD BE SOME BIG WAR, OR
SOME SENATOR CAUGHT IN A STALL.
OOH, OOH, OOH.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Oh, oh yes, the girls will know! Luci! Lynda!
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING
AND YOU…
LUCI & LYNDA
(as they pop up from under the covers of the bed)
AND YOU WAKE US UP FROM OUR DREAM
WE WERE THERE ON THE MOON WITH…
LUCI
RICKY NELSON…
LYNDA
PAT BOONE…
LUCI & LYNDA
AND WE SWOONED AS THEY CROONED OUT SOME THEME.
LADY BIRD, LUCI & LYNDA
SOOOO
WHAT DO WE DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING?
LUCI & LYNDA
MAMA, WE GOTTA GET THIS THING RIGHT
DADDY WON’T BE REAL HAPPY.
HE’LL BE ONE SNAPPY PAPPY
THAT’S UNLESS WE PREPARE HIM TO FIGHT.
LADY BIRD
(to LUCI)
YOU DO THE NECK AND THE EARS, DEAR.
(to LYNDA)
YOU TAKE THE ANKLES AND FEET.
I’LL TAKE THE PARTS HE REVERES, DEAR.
LADY BIRD, LUCI & LYNDA
ALL IN ALL HE’S GONNA FEEL REAL SWEET.
L.B.J.
(waking up)
HEY! WHAT IS THIS, GIRLS, IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING
AND WHAT YOU ARE DOING FEELS… FINE.
YOUR TENDER MASSAGES
WILL SOOTHE THE BARRAGES
I’LL GET FROM THE CONGRESS AT NINE.
OOH, OOH, OOH.
DO WHAT YOU DO.
(The phone rings again and LBJ answers it.)
Hello, Governor, -- What?!?!
(As he hangs up the phone)
Oh, buffalo chips!
…
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE TELEPHONE BELL RINGS
AND YOU LEARN THE ALAMO FELL
EVEN THOUGH IT DOES VEX US
IT DOESN’T PERPLEX US
CAUSE TEXAS IS GOING TO HELL.
NOW…
WHO DO YOU CALL WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING
TO BOUNCE SOME IDEAS, PICK THEIR BRAIN?
SOMEONE STRONG, HONEST, JUST, WHO
ALL THE COUNTRY WILL TRUST WHO…
OH, I KNOW, I’LL CALL UP JOHN WAYNE!
LADY BIRD
Operator, get me HE-MAN 555-3030
L.B.J.
HEY, DUKE! L-B-J HERE, OL’ COWBOY!
I AM JUST HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS
THE ALAMO FELL. TELL ME NOW, BOY,
HOW YOU’D HELP ME OUT WITH ALL THEM ”GREEN BERETS.”
JOHN WAYNE
(springing out of the bed)
WHAT I WOULD DO SINCE IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING
AND I’M SLEEPY AND CRANKY AND ALL
WELL, I’D JUST GO NAPALM ‘EM
THEN I’D GO AND EMBALM ‘EM
TO DISPLAY ON THE NATIONAL MALL.
(The lights slowly begin to come up on sleeping MAX in the chair as he squirms and
mumbles at this thought.
LADY BIRD, L.B.J., LUCI, LYNDA, JOHN WAYNE
THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO!
THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO!
THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO! WE’LL SNEAK UP WITHOUT WARNING
AND BOMB ‘EM TO BITS TILL THEY FALL.
THREE REPORTERS
(They pop out of the bed. One has a TV camera, another a radio microphone, the last
a pencil and tablet)
LET US PRESS AND T.V. MEN
TELL THE WORLD WHAT OUR FREE MEN
CAN DO WHEN THE TERRORISTS CALL.
EVERYONE (as sirens blare)
OOH, OOH, OOH – THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO
(As Lulu finishes the number, the set morphs back into the Alamo grounds. Lighting change to indicate back to reality. Max is sleeping in his chair, tossing and very agitated from his dream. Lulu enters and shakes Max to awaken him.)
LULU
COME ON GET UP, YOU COMMIE!
IT’S ME! NOT YOUR MOMMY
HEAR THAT RUCKUS OUTSIDE OF THE WALL?!
MAX (jumps up with a start.)
You mean they’ve already started bombing us?!
LULU
Bombing us? What are you talking about?!
PAULA
We wanted to check in and see how you were doing after what happened. The pollce chief is known to be hotheaded , so you can expect him to escalate this..
UNGARO
Lulu, maybe we can go count the food inventory
LULU
But we just counted the supplies an hour ago. And this (motions to Max and Paula) feels like it has potential to be interesting.
UNGARO
(indicating he thinks maybe Max and Paula may want privacy)
It was so much fun that maybe we should go do it again.
LULU
(no subtlety) Ohh…. Ohhh… I think we’re going to go count the food inventory again.
Men – they can be so pushy.
(Ungaro and Lulu exit.)
MAX
I appreciate your concern.
PAULA
Lucky no one was hurt, wasn’t it?.
So what happens next?
MAX
I’m considering the options.
PAULA
Can you really see a way out of all this you’ve created?
MAX
Wht I created?? No, it wasn’t me. I’m not the one who ordered the attack.
PAULA
There wouldn’t have been any attack if you hadn’t … Max - how is this going to end? Can you see things the way they really are and be honest that there’s no way of winning this?
SONG: HONESTLY
MAX
Listen to me, Señorita honest one, listen to me!
SEEMS A VERY PRACTICAL THING
IT GIVES US RULES, IT DRAWS A MAP
IT PLAYS A TUNE AND WE ALL TAP
IT TELLS YOU “DON’T… DON’T… DON’T…”
IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING
IT GETS US STUCK IN THE STATUS QUO
WE JUST CAN’T BUCK WHAT’S ALWAYS SO
AND THEN WE PACE IN THE SAME OLD RUTS
THE HUMAN RACE ALL GOING NUTS
WHAT MIRACLES CAN IT BRING?
WHEN A VOICE INSIDE YOU IS SINGING
“NO, YOU CAN’T… CAN’T… CAN’T…”
TO BELIEVE WHAT’S NOT YET REAL,
TO TRUST IN YOUR HEART AND FEEL
AND A CONTRADICTORY THING
A POPE SAYS THIS, A KING SAYS THAT
“THE WORLD IS ROUND! “I SAY IT’S FLAT!
ONE PERSON’S WRONG IS ANOTHER’S RIGHT
“IT’S FALSE!” “IT’S TRUE!” IT’S POO!” “LET’S FIGHT!
BUT ONE DAY AN IDEA BREAKS THROUGH
SOMETHING ELEGANT AND BRAND NEW
THAT ASKS, “WHAT IF… IF… IF…?!”
THAT APPALLING MAD PURSUIT
TO GIVE AN OLD TRUTH THE BOOT
BORN OF GENIUS?… OR LUNACY?… AUDACITY?… (BRAVERY?…)
Lulu and a few of the soldiers enter, all excited.)
LULU
That guy I talked to on the radio last night called.. They’re gonna have a local singing group on this half hour.
UNGARO (turns on the radio)
And they recorded a song – about the two of you.
Lights up on the radio station while we still see the Alamo dining area
RADIO ANNOUNCER
We welcome back our listeners from stations all over North America who are taking our news feed. Some of our local talent took this opportunistic opportunity and wrote this little salute to our own Ladies of the Alamo – Miss Lulu and Miss Paula.
RADIO SINGER
Yes, they stared death in the face and spat right in its eye. (really hits the p in “spat”)
RADIO ANNOUNCER
There’s a graphic thought as our listeners enjoy their breakfast.. And listeners will be able to buy the song when?
RADIO SINGER #2
They’re doing an emergency pressing right now.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
I never heard of an emergency record pressing.
RADIO SINGER #3
We’ve got to let the ladies and the world and the charts know we ‘ppreciate them.
(A cue for music to begin.)
(The soldiers inside the Alamo are listening and even pampering Paula and Lulu a bit, which is the direct opposite of the hell the song imagines the ladies are experiencing.
RADIO SINGERS (variously)
THERE’S A SITUATION DOWN IN SAN ANTONIO
A HISTORIC USURPATION OF THE ALAMO
AND THE LATEST LOCAL NEWS REPORT
SAYS OUR SHERIFF CHOKED AND LOST THE FORT
SO WE GOT FER NOW IT SEEMS A DEARTH OF HEROES
BUT FEAR NOT, IT ALSO SEEMS WE GOT TWO “SHE-ROES”
(general approval for the fun word, both in the studio and in the Alamo)
AND WHILE BOTH OF ‘EM ARE SITTIN’ THERE ALL LOCKED IN
THERE’S SECRET PLANS AND INTRIGUES THEY’RE CONCOCTIN’.
(really hitting that rhyme)
–
(maybe comments like “that’s a good one” “Country gold if y’ask me”)
THE RADIO SINGERS
THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT,
YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.
TWO WOMEN PENNED IN THERE LIKE CATTLE
BUT PREPARIN’ FER A BATTLE
WITH NO GUNS, NO HORSE, NO SADDLE
OR SUPPORT.
THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.
THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT,
YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.
THOSE TWO COURAGEOUS TEXAS DAUGHTERS
HELD BY MEXICAN MARAUDERS
BUNCHA DRUG LORDS, THIEVES, AND SQUATTERS
AND THEIR SORT.
THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.
THROUGH ALL THEIR HUNGER, TORTURE, SUFFERIN’
YOU KNOW THERE’S NO ONE TOUGHER ’N’
THEM TWO. IT’S TRUE.
ONE MAY LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR GRANNY
(Lulu doesn’t like that. Others console her.)
ONE A PURTY POLLYANNY
DON’T BE FOOLED! THERE AIN’T ONE MAN E-
QUIPPED TO DO THE WILY WIM-MEN STUFF THEY’LL DO -
(Now Paula isn’t so sure she likes the “wily women” description)
WHOO HOO!
THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT,
YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.
THEY’RE IN THERE SMILIN’, COGITATIN’
WHILE BEGUILIN’ ‘EM AND WAITIN’
FER THE TIME FER DECIMATIN’ AND FER THWARTIN’!
LET’S DON’T SELL THESE LADIES SHORT
(All onstage, maybe even outside the Alamo depending on cast size, join in.)
‘CAUSE THEY’RE HOLDIN’, HOLDIN’ DOWN,
YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN,
HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT, YA’LL!
THEY’RE HOLDIN’
THE FORT!
MAX
That’s the word the media is spreading about what’s going on in here? That’s just not right.
PAULA
You're right.. It's just not honest.
LULU
We’ve got to set them straight!
(to Ungaro, who’s adjusting her collar)
Oh, sorry, honey – I just means let them know what’s really going on.
SOLDIER (enters, interrupting them)
General! The crowds are bigger. More reporters!
MAX (has an idea)
More reporters? Why not use the media to correct the media?
(writes a note, folds the paper, hands the note to Salazar.)
Have one of the men climb to the top of the wall and shout out to any reporters to come closer, then give them the note. Sylvester will not harm him with the reporters right there, cameras ready.
SALAZAR
I’ll deliver it to them myself.
MAX (pauses for a moment)
(to Paula and Lulu) Let’s pray this works.
(Paula and Max exit. Lulu and Ungaro are now alone onstage.)
LULU
Reporters are coming inside! Do I have time to iron what I’m wearing?
UNGARO (adjusts Lulu’s outfit)
Don’t worry. You're going to look just wonderful on the radio, Miss Lulu!
(maybe in front of the “Curtain”)
THE RADIO SINGERS
(a little encore as they head off , while the stage readies for the next scene
A HISTORIC CONFLAGRATION
ALTERCATION, CONFRONTATION,
DESECRATION, DEVASTATION,
FOMENTATION, PROVOCATION,
USURPATION, VIOLATION
AS THE NATION FEELS ELATION …
ACT 2, SCENE 2: The Gift Shop a few minutes later, then outside the Alamo Gate
-
The reporters are setting up their recording equipment, cameras, and microphones.
(Max sits in front of the microphones and the live air interview begins. Outside the Alamo, the police & reporters are listening in to the radio broadcast.)
(Reporters in room = Jane, Brandon, Ben. Also in room: Ungaro)
REPORTER #1 (female reporter)
We’re here inside The Alamo with General Maximilian Rodriquez de Santos from Mexico. Mind if I call you General Max?
MAX
I hope you will.
REPORTER #1
You’ve got quite a fight on your hands out there.
SONG: THESE ARE THE GIFTS
MAX
I IMAGINE YOU’RE ALL WONDERING WHAT WE’RE DOING? (No shit!)
AND I’M GRATEFUL YOU WOULD MEET WITH ME IN HERE. (Was there a choice?)
THERE ARE THOSE I KNOW WHO’D HAVE YOU MISCONSTRUING
OUR MISSION, OUR PURPOSE, I’LL BE HONEST, I’LL BE CLEAR.… (That’d be a first!)
SO BE COMF’TABLE, AT EASE
IT’S A FRIENDLY ATMOSPHERE
WHAT CAN I DO TO PLEASE YOU…
REPORTER
YOU COULD OFFER US A BEER.
MAX (trying to improvise)
I’m sorry I have no beer, (pause, looks around) but it seems we have plenty of chocolates, Here, take one.
(Max takes a chocolate bar from the gift shop chocolate bin, and then takes some money out of his pocket to pay for it and lays it on the pile, and then hands the chocolate bar to the reporter.)
HAVE YOU EVER PONDERED CHOC’LATE? (No.)
IT’S A GIFT THE AZTECS GAVE TO YOU. (What?)
IT’S TRUE.
HAVE YOU EVER PONDERED CHILES?
WITHOUT THEM TEXAS CHILI’S JUST A BROWN, BLAND STEW
AND CORN?
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT WAS BORN
IN YUCATAN
AND FEEDS THE WORLD TODAY
OH MAN,
ISN’T THAT A WONDER?
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT.
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW.
JUST TAKE A MOMENT NOW AND THEN SO YOU REMEMBER
AND THANK THOSE PEOPLE FROM SO LONG AGO.
REPORTER # 1 (knowing this is good radio)
Keep going!!!
MAX
DO YOU THINK OF ALL THOSE WORKERS (What?)
ALL THE PEASANT ONES, THE… YOU KNOW WHO (You mean aliens?)
THAT’S TRUE.
IN THE FIELDS, ON ROADS, ON ROOFTOPS
AS THEY DO ALL THE WORK THAT YOU WOULD NEVER DO?
THEY’RE THERE
EV’RYWHERE THEY CLIMB THE STAIR
WAY FROM POVERTY
THEY FEED AND BUILD THE WORLD
AS WE
SIT AROUND IN COMFORT.
(The reporters variously echo Max as they take down what he sings.)
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT.
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW.
THEY GIVE YOU SO MUCH EV’RYDAY, YOU GIVE THEM LITTLE
CAN’T YOU JUST LOOK THEM IN THE EYE AND SAY HELLO.
REPORTERS
(taking the words down)
…AND SAY HELLO
MAX
AHHH MY MEXICO
YOU’RE NOT SO GOOD AT MAKING MONEY OR MAKING WAR.
AHHH MY MEXICO
BUT YOUR HIST’RY, ARTS, AND HEARTS AND PEOPLE MAKE YOU SO MUCH MORE.
(to Reporter #2 who has a family photo on his notebook)
IS THAT PHOTO OF YOUR DAUGHTER? (Yes.)
AND THE WOMAN STANDING NEXT TO YOU? (Her nanny)
SHE’S - WHO? (Maria)
YOU CAN SEE MARIA LOVES HER.
LOOK AT THAT, YOU CAN SEE YOUR DAUGHTER LOVES HER, TOO.
SHE’LL STAND
AT YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER’S HAND
PROTECTING HER AND HELPING HER TO GROW
BUT, SIR, WHO PROTECTS MARIA?
(driving his point home with a bit of edge)
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU SHOULD KNOW
THEY ARE INVISIBLE AND WE TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED
THIS HAS TO CHANGE NOW, THIS JUST HAS TO GO.
THE REPORTERS
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT
THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE WE SHOULD KNOW
THEY ARE INVISIBLE AND WE TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED
THIS HAS TO CHANGE NOW, THIS JUST HAS TO GO.
THIS HAS TO CHANGE NOW, THIS JUST HAS TO GO.
MAX
(an obligato over the Reporter’s refrain)
AHHH MY MEXICO! THIS YOU MUST KNOW!
AHHH MY MEXICO! I LOVE YOU SO!
I LOVE YOU SO!
(Lights back up outside the gate, where Sylvester is listening to the radio broadcast as he readies his officers for armed combat.)
SYLVESTER
Hear that? Something terrible is going on. They’ve started to brainwash our women, indoctrinate our men. God knows what they’re doing to our children. Their poor open minds, taking in what they shouldn’t!
REPORTER
Brainwashed? And you think the reporters are being brainwashed, too?
ANOTHER REPORTER
(quickly overlapping)
Why can’t you be civil to Max the way he’s being to the Americans?
SYLVESTER
(exasperated, getting crazed, knocking down reporter’s microphone)
You all don’t see it, do you? They’re infiltrating your minds, too, aren’t they? Holding your brains hostage. Soon, they’ll have everyone thinking like them. Everyone you talk to, even if they LOOK American, you’ll be wondering who you can trust, has that person’s mind been taken over, whose side is that person on?
GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN (REPRISE)
LEMME USE MY GOLDURN GUN!
CAIN’T STAND HERE MASTURBATIN’ [or: NO WAITIN’ AND DEBATIN’]
GETTIN’ SUNBURNT, DEHYDRATIN’
WHILE OUR COUNTRY’S OVERRUN!
GIVE MA MEN THE WAYS ‘N’ MEANS
TO PROUDLY STAND HERE MANNIN’
BAZOOKAS, TANKS AND CANNON
AND BLOW THE PLACE TO SMITHEREENS!
ONE OF THE TEXAS RANGERS
But sir, you’ll destroy the Alamo!
SYLVESTER
(this is news to him) Oh, I will? Well –
(brightens up)
At least the Mexicans won’t have it
GOLDURN THE GOLDURN GOV’NER
DENYIN’ THE PLAGUE THAT INFECKS US,
MAKIN’ US TEXAS LAWMEN LOOK LIKE PUSSIES! [Ranger:Chief, the children!]
SCREW YOU!
I’M GONNA DO
WHAT TRUE MEN DO
NOT LIKE WISHY-WASHY WASHINGTON-YUN WUSSIES!
Hey, you two! Go open up the arm’ry and bring back some rifles, some missiles; yes, we’re gonna need all kinds of missiles!
(points to people around him)
For you! And you! Missiles for everybody!
GET EV’RYBODY HERE SOME GUNS
WE’LL DEPUTIZE THEM TEACHERS,
THEM REPORTERS AND THEM PREACHERS,
THEM GIRL SCOUTS AND THEM NUNS!
TELL ‘EM ALL TO MOVE THEIR BUNS!
GOTTA GIVE ‘EM ALL,
GOTTA GIVE ‘EM ALL,
GOTTA GIVE ‘EM ALL
SOME GUNS!!!
ACT 2, SCENE 3:
Lights up White House Living Quarters. The President of the United States and first lady are listening to the news, with their daughters.
PRESIDENT LBJ
Interesting speech the General made. Couldn’t have said some of those lines better myself.
LADY BIRD
He quoted your speech from the ranch last year -
PRESIDENT LBJ
(formal, as if giving the speech)
There are no problems we cannot solve together, and very few that we can solve by ourselves.
LUCI
Dad, have the Americans in Texas been going about this the wrong way from the beginning?
LYNDA
He doesn’t sound like the insane lunatic the Governor first thought, does he?
PRESIDENT LBJ
Even insane people don’t sound insane all the time. They’d drop dead of exhaustion.
LADY BIRD
Your father knows insane, dear. He deals with Congress.
PRESIDENT LBJ
I gotta defuse this thing before that police chief Sylvester decides the best way to get a Mexican out of the Alamo is to nuke San Antonio.
LADY BIRD
(picks up telephone)
Helen. Get the Governor of Texas. Tell him Lyndon needs to talk to him.
PRESIDENT LBJ
((akes the phone from her)
Bucko! You got one helluva mess down there. Want some help?
ACT 2, SCENE 4. The Gift Shop. Then the courtyard.
Ungaro and Lulu are continuing to tidy up the mess from the night before.
LULU
That Jim Bowie hibachi pot was right over here. It’s a miracle it didn’t break, ain’t it?
UNGARO
Instead of there, the customers might see the higher end items display better if that’s over here. I bet sales from that section would double.
LULU (looking at it)
That is better than it was before. Thanks to you! You know, you got me thinking. Maybe there’s a way of using what you got where it’s needed. Here at the Alamo.
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS (REPRISE)
TOO MANY MEN
ARE SURE THEY KNOW
WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT
THEY’RE ALL GOOOD AT ONETHING
BUT WHEN THEY’RE ALL DONE, THINGS
FOR HER ARE A BIT INCOMPLETE
BUT LET HER MEET FOLKS LIKE YOU AND THEY’LL MAKE HER LIFE SWEET.
UNGARO
(puzzled by what Lulu may be suggesting)
I HAVE NEVER BEEN A BRUSQUE AND MACHO MAN.
SEÑORA, I AM MORE A BRUNCH, GAZPACHO MAN.
LULU
Bingo!
THIS WOMAN WANTS A SIDEKICK
WHO’S ALWAYS GAME TO PLAY
SOMEONE WHO’S WITTY… READY…
WITH BLIST’RING REPARTÉE
FOR THOSE PINKO COMMIE SONS O’ BITCHES
AND NORTHERN LIB’RAL HUSSY WITCHES
AND ALL THEIR BARBS AND TAUNTS
THAT’S WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS
THIS WOMAN WANTS A BEST FRIEND,
A SPECIAL KIND OF GUY.
SOMEONE WHO’S TASTEFUL… HONEST…
UNGARO
AN EDUCATED EYE
LULU
FOR PERFECT NIEMAN-MARCUS DRESSES
FOR MAKE-UP AND WELL-STYLED TRESSES
UNGARO
IN TEXAS-SIZED BOUFFANTS!
THAT’S WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS.
GIVE HER A SPOTLIGHT AND A RUNWAY
GIVE HER A MIKE AND LET HER SING
GIVE HER A KILLER LOOK AND FUN WAY
TO KICK UP HER HEELS AND GO BOOM! BANG! ZING!
LULU
THIS WOMAN WANTS A SOUL MATE
ALWAYS THERE TO TAKE HER ARM
SOMEONE WHO’S DASHING… STYLISH…
UNGARO
WITH LIBERACE CHARM!
A MAN TO SHARE YOUR EV’RY WISH WITH
LULU
A GUY TO SIP WINE AND DISH WITH
UNGARO
A PRINCE OF CONFIDANTES!
LULU
BROADWAY SHOWS AND RESTAURANTS
LULU & UNGARO
THAT’S WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS.
LULU
If The Alamo could work it with Immigration, we could REALLY use someone here with your smarts If you‘re interested, I have pull with Personnel. (points to herself – she is Personnel.)
UNGARO
That’s very sweet of you, Miss Lulu. But my home is always in Mexico. The service and country I love. But we’ll definitely stay in touch with each other all the time.
(Lulu reacts like she doesn’t believe him.)
Really! Nuevo Laredo’s just a bus ride away.
(shows Lulu a photo)
And my Antonio and I can come and visit on our vacations.
LULU
His name’s Antonio? Like San Antonio? Ain’t that a –
(suddenly realizes)
Private Ungaro. What’s your first name?
UNGARO
I am Carlos Eduardo Ungaro. Private First Class, Army of Mexico. The General told me I’ll be a Corporal July the 1st.
LULU
I’m Louella Longstreet Daniel. Daughter of the Texas Republic. But everyone calls me Lulu. I’m so happy to know you, Carlos.
PAULA
(enters, carrying a transistor radio)
Do you all hear? They’re running that report again. That’s three times this hour.
MAX (entering)
Turn it down. I can’t stand to hear myself anymore.
(PAULA half laughs, half smiles in sympathy, and turns off the radio)
PAULA
Max? Is something wrong?
SALAZAR (entering)
May I speak with you for a moment, General?
PAULA
Do you need to be left alone? (MAX motions that it’s OK to stay.)
SALAZAR
Nothing that needs to be a secret. Chief Sylvester’s pacing outside the entrance. He just ordered that all civilians be moved away 500 feet from the gate. Garcia heard him giving the order, sir. “When the time comes, shoot to kill.”
MAX
Then, this is it. Please assemble the men. I need to prepare them for what’s to come.
(Salazar salutes and exits. Ungaro follows him.)
I don’t know what to do next. I thought the reporters would help. Chief Sylvester’s now just waiting for any excuse to shoot. How could I have thought this was going to end any differently? What have I done?
LULU
(can’t believe what she’s hearing)
What you’ve done! What you’ve done!
Everyone seemed to think things were fine here, until you marched in. But people like you! You can’t leave things alone. You put ideas into people’s heads. You force people to ask questions they never asked before, look for answers where they never knew there were questions. That’s what you’ve done!
(to Paula, who is looking at her with pride and wonder)
Well, he asked! What was I supposed to do – pretend I‘m deaf and act like I didn’t hear the question?
(Lulu exits.)
(Max walks the few steps to the Courtyard, where the soldiers are now waiting.)
MAX
Men, we had a great victory last night. Every one of you should be very proud of that. But despite our best efforts, a stronger attack looks imminent. I am going to remain here and try to hold our position and defend our interests.
UNGARO
Are we going to die, General?
(Max looks like the question shakes him a little, but he quickly regroups and continues his speech. The soldiers glance quickly at each other when that question is asked, and while they look frightened, they stay in line and start to put on a brave face.)
MAX
I am giving each of you the option of staying with me, or surrendering to the mercy of Sylvester and his forces. If you surrender, I believe you will be safe, and I promise you will not be seen as a traitor. – but think of the possibilities if you stay and fight.
(Max draws a line in the dirt with his foot between himself and the line of soldiers.)
Now is the time. Will you cross this line and stay with me? Or walk out that gate and leave?
(Max waits and looks at the soldiers. He’s visibly scared that some may leave.)
MARCH FROM NUEVO LAREDO - reprise
SOLDIERS (as they cross the line)
(Salazar) MEXICO IS FULL OF ADVENTURE,
(Ungaro) FULL OF MAGICAL STORIES.
(another soldier) FAMOUS PEOPLE, CITIES AND LANDMARKS,
(another soldier) GIVING PROOF OF HER GLORIES.
SALAZAR
COME!
LIFT YOUR HEADS HIGH!
REACH FOR THE SKY IN VALOR AND TRIUMPH!
All of your men stand with you, General. We all stand with you.
MAX
I am honored to serve with such brave and loyal soldiers.
MEXICAN SOLDIERS led by SALAZAR
PROUDLY WE MARCH. WE ARE
SOLDIERS – WHO LIVE – AND DIE– FOR DEAR OLD MEXICO
PROUDLY WE MARCH SO YOU’LL
KNOW WHEN WE COME YOUR WAY
WE ARE COOL BUT AUDACIOUS,
FAIR, SQUARE, KIND, BUT TENACIOUS.
PROUDLY WE MARCH. MAY YOU
NEVER FORGET US TODAY.
NEVER FORGET US TODAY!
ACT 2, SCENE 5: Just outside and inside the Alamo Gate.
Just inside the gate.
SALAZAR
Carmela, Louisa! How wonderful that you came. People will see Carmela is real, and they won’t think the General is crazy.
LOUISA (flirtatious)
I wouldn’t think no one will think he’s crazy, do you, Lieutenant?
SALAZAR
You may be right.
CARMELA
Did you remember to call your fiancé, Louisa? He may be worried about you. With your wedding being NEXT MONTH?
LOUISA
Oh, that’s right.
SALAZAR
I was so honored that he asked me to be his best man at your wedding. I’m looking forward to it. If the General and I don’t get arrested.
CARMELA
(very impressed, seeing SALAZAR as never before)
You would not just flip on him to save yourself.
SALAZAR
It is my duty to do what he says, but maybe try to change what he says if I can.
LOUISA (as SALAZAR leaves)
I remembered he was something of a hound.
CARMELA
He was. But he’s changed since high school. He was in Saltillo whenever Max had official military business. People grow up. You’ve certainly grown up as your work been responsible for other people. Manuel has grown up, too.
LOUISA
Hmmm. I’m sensing you’re coping pretty well, aren’t you? Do you mind if I write a song about you?
CARMELA
You never have to ask. But wait! Wasn’t “A Song for My Sister Carmela” about me?
LOUISA
Oh yes. That’s right.
Back outside the Alamo gate, Sylvester and his officers hear a report on the radio.
VOICE FROM RADIO
Good evening. This is Jim Lehrer from IWN NewsRadio in Washington D.C. We’ve just learned that the President has left the White House and is heading to San Antonio, where he is expected to arrive at The Alamo shortly . . .
(A couple of reporters come rushing over.)
REPORTER 1
Chief Sylvester, is the President really on his way?
REPORTER 2
Chief, is it true that Paula lady has already been recommended for the citizen of valor award?
SYLVESTER
(very quietly and with an exaggeratedly faux calmness)
Pyle. Would you come here, please?
OFFICER
Yes, sir?
SYLVESTER
(shouting)
Get these people out of here!
OFFICER
Yes, sir. Right away. (shouts) GET OUT!!!
-
Back inside the Gate. A helicopter descends noisily. We hear the motor and see the lights, even hear the wind it causes. Max, Salazar and the soldiers see it trying to land inside the Alamo.
MAX
They’re attacking by air this time!
SOLDIER 1
(calling out to someone)
Get what’s left in the gift shop! We’ve got to stop them before they land!
(Soldier runs over with a bunch of assorted stuff – coasters, hats, chocolates)
SALAZAR
(spots something and directs Max’s attention to it.)
Wait – no! Is this possible?
MAX
That can’t be!
SALAZAR
(To soldiers)
Hold your attack!
(To Max)
Look!
(Salazar points to the side of the helicopter. Max sees it and the two just look at each other in disbelief)
MAX
The Presidential seal!
-
The helicopter lands and after two secret service agents appear, the President emerges. Some of the soldiers bow to him. (Secret Service Agents = Neal and Brandon)
PRESIDENT LBJ
I was a little worried there when I saw your men ready to pelt my helicopter with coonskin hats and post cards.
MAX
I am so very honored, Mr. President. It was my lieutenant, Salazar, who noticed your seal on the Helicopter.
PRESIDENT LBJ
(shakes Salazar’s hand)
I honor both the wise advisors and…
MAX AND PRESIDENT LBJ (simultaneously)
the wise men who take their advice.
PRESIDENT LBJ
I am honored as well, General, that you know my words.
And you are Paula, I assume?
PAULA
It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT LBJ
I’ve recommended both you and Lulu for the Civilians of Valor award. I know people in high places , so you may just get it.
(to Max)
I’ve been listening to a lot of what you had to say over the past couple days and I think you need to hear what I have to say. Can we find a place to speak in private?
SECRET SERVICE AGENT (to President)
Sir, the Governor’s on the phone for you.
(Max is visibly startled by hearing the Governor is calling LBJ.)
PRESIDENT LBJ (to Max)
Excuse me for just a moment. (He heads back to the helicopter)
(lights dim on all the action going on, putting it in the background, as Max pulls Paula to a private corner, where just the two of them can talk.)
MAX
I don’t know whether I’m about to be applauded or arrested. You know, you were right . I don’t plan. I make things up as they happen. I guess I see only what I want to see.
(PAULA looks at him sympathetically.)
I better get ready for the President. (Max exits)
PAULA (alone on stage)
That’s not true. (this realization suddenly sinks in)
Oh my God, that isn’t true.
(shouts out and starts to run after him.)
Max!
(Max reappears in response to her call)
MAX
Yes?
SONG: I WAS WRONG
PAULA
JUST A SECOND…
WOULD YOU?
JUST A WORD BEFORE YOU GO IN THERE
I HAVE SOMETHING
THAT I
REALLY THINK YOU’D WANT TO KNOW IN THERE
I MEAN SOMETHING
THAT WOULD
HELP YOUR PRESIDENTIAL SHOW IN THERE
A CONFESSION
THAT MY
FIRST IMPRESSION
WAS…
IT WAS WRONG.
I MEAN… WHAT I… THOUGHT I
THOUGHT ABOUT YOU.
OH SO WRONG!
I MEAN… WHAT I … THOUGHT I
THOUGHT TO BE TRUE.
ALL ALONG
IT WAS WRONG.
WE WERE WRONG!
WE ALL– CALLED YOU– LOCO!
PINKO! COMMUNIST! A JERK!
OH SO WRONG!
MADMAN– MAX’S– FOLLY?
HOW COULD IT WORK?!
TRULY BERSERK!
AH, BUT THEN YOU OPENED UP MY EARS
AND YOU OPENED UP MY EYES
AND YOU SHOOK UP MY WHOLE WORLD
AND YOU SHOUTED “SURPRISE!”
YOU IGNITED THESE DREAMS
AND IGNORED ALL THE BLOCKS
AND YOU BROUGHT DOWN GOLIATH
WITHOUT ANY ROCKS!
AT ALL!
THEY’RE ALL WRONG!
GO IN! STAND TALL! TELL ‘EM!
LIKE YOU TOLD ME!
SHOUT “YOU’RE WRONG!”
SIMPLY… FIRMLY… TRULY!
LIKE YOU SOLD ME!
SING IT LOUD, CLEAR AND STRONG
YOUR BOLD CRAZY SONG!
MAKE ‘EM HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT THEY’RE WRONG!
MAX
YOU WERE RIGHT
POMPOUS… SILLY… WITH MY…
PAULA
(interrupting)
…LITTLE BAND OF MERRY MEN?
MAX
OH SO RIGHT!
YOU KNEW! SAW THROUGH! AND YOU
SET ME STRAIGHT RIGHT THERE AND THEN.
SET ME ON MY PATH AGAIN.
AND NOW
I HEAR WISDOM WHEN YOU SPEAK,
CALM, AND BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE
AND YOUR WORDS I THOUGHT UNIQUE
THEY’RE WHAT I’M THINKING, TOO
AND YOUR RESONANT VOICE
AND YOUR RESOLUTE GAZE
GIVE ME CAUSE TO REJOICE
FOR THE GLORIOUS DAYS
TO COME!
MAX AND PAULA
WE WERE WRONG!
WHOOPEE! – YOU! ME! –US! WE!
DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND!
NOW WE’RE RIGHT!
MAX
(offering his arm as if to dance)
SENOR-… ITA…
PAULA
SENOR, WE’RE OF ONE MIND.
MAX
SO INTERTWINED!
PAULA
NOW GO IN AND TELL ‘EM WHAT YOU TOLD ME.
DO IT JUST THE WAY YOU SOLD ME.
MAX
(spoken)
Oh, Paula, your support means so much to me and I couldn’t imagine how I could….
PAULA
(interrupting Max’s dialogue)
WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP AND HOLD ME!
(Max is happily stunned but willing. they embrace and kiss)
PAULA
I WAS WRONG
MAX
(playfully)
OH, SO WRONG!
NOW YOU’RE RIGHT
PAULA
RIGHT NEXT TO YOU
WHERE I BELONG.
MAX AND PAULA
WHERE WE BELONG.
.
ACT 2, SCENE 6:
-
Two years later in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. A crowd stands by a grandstand in front of a new building that looks a lot like the Alamo.
PRESIDENT LBJ
Two years ago at the Alamo, I promised to be here in Nuevo Laredo for this dedication today. The symbolism of today represents the very best of what it means to be Nation Friends.
LADY BIRD
In furtherance of that, to cut the ribbon, let’s all welcome – General and Mrs. Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos!
CROWD
(chanting his name, as the General and Paula makes their way towards the mic)
Max! Max! Max! Max!
(Suddenly, Salazar spots Carmela in the crowd, and goes to the edge of the grandstand.)
SALAZAR
Carmela! (Salazar jumps down into the crowd to be next to her.)
CARMELA
It is a wonderful achievement, Colonel Salazar. You should all be very proud.
CARMELA & SALAZAR
(in unison except for different last word)
And to think it all started with (Carmela: me; Salazar: you)
SALAZAR
Perhaps after the dedication, I can tell you all the details about how you made this happen.
(Salazar puts his arm around Carmela and they stand, listening as Max finishes speaking, possibly heading to their own happy ending..)
MAX
I thank you, Mr. President, Mrs. Johnson, my dear Paula, dignitaries, friends. Two years ago, I never would have envisioned what we all have now achieved.
LULU
(leans over grandstand excitedly saying to anyone in the crowd who notices her)
At first I thought they were all a bunch of commies!
MAX
(acknowledging Lulu)
Yes, you did! Thank you for working with Sergeant Ungaro, our Museum Manager. And we also would not have reached this day without you, Colonel Salazar.
LBJ
Are you wearing the Medal I gave you, Paula? Someone - get a photo of that. Yours too, Lulu!
MAX
With these visionaries working together, we’ve made it happen! The Nuevo Alamo Museum and Visitor Center will tell the story of the Mexicans who fought at the Alamo so many years ago. And now … we’ve got a ribbon to cut!
(Max and Paula motion to Carmela.
Carmela is honored, holds the ribbon as they make the cut.)
DIGNITARIES
Viva Mexico!
SONG: FINALE - NUEVO LAREDO AWAITS YOU (reprise)
EVERYONE
NUEVO LAREDO STANDS PROUDLY
ON THE EDGE OF THE RIO GRANDE
IN THE HANDS OF A GREAT COMMAND
HEROIC’LLY HE BROUGHT US TO THIS PLACE
TWO NATIONS’ PEOPLE STANDING FACE TO FACE
GLADLY WE OFFER OUR EMBRACE
DEAREST GEN’RAL MAXIMILIAN
YOU HONOR US WITH THIS PAVILION
YOU TOOK THE NAME OF OUR SMALL TOWN
AND BROUGHT IT FAME AND GREAT RENOWN
NUEVO LAREDO
GO! GO! GO! GO!
GO! GO! GO! GO!
VIVA MEXICO!
VIVA MAX!
