VIVA MAX demo sampler and script going back to novel and material presented pre-JLM

Links to YouTube 
For the original Jan 2018 presentation version's  
"colorful characters highlights promo sampler" - https://youtu.be/F8t4Q9memhI and some more demos are at https://youtu.be/QqnEz0SBblk and at https://youtu.be/8Cp64RFa6t4



The songwriter, Skip Kennon, is at 212-967-6119.  skipkennon@mac.com
Pat McLaughlin, Beacon Artists Agency is at 212-736-6630. beaconagency@hotmail.com 
Co-bookwriter Fred Landau is at 212-244-0494. FJL1960@aol.com

This is the working draft Feb. 2020.
.   

VIVA MAX!

Working draft  -  Dec. 2019

    VIVA MAX!

Based on the novel by Jim Lehrer

CHARACTERS

MAX  (Mexican General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos), mid-30’s

PAULA WHITMAN, 25 to 30, Alamo tour guide & gift shop clerk, perpetual grad student 

LIEUTENANT MANUEL SALAZAR, 25-35, younger than Max, confident swagger and career potential, attentive to duty to obey Max, but tries to influence Max to be pragmatic when Max is idealistic

LULU (Louella Longstreet Daniel), older than Paula -  Paula’s boss at The Alamo.
Dressed in staid work clothes at first, then more glamorous the rest of the show.  

PRIVATE CARLOS UNGARO, 30’s, Mexican soldier, happy to be Max’s assistant and at times valet

{POLICE CHIEF GEORGE SYLVESTER, any age, bigoted trigger-happy Texas police chief

{PRESIDENT LBJ (only act 2, strong singer-comedian; written to be able to double with Sylvester)

FEATURED ROLES THAT CAN ALSO BE ACTORS IN THE ENSEMBLE:

CARMELA, 30-ish (needs strong singer)

LADY BIRD JOHNSON (mainly featured top of of act two, a strong singer-comedienne part)

OTHER ENSEMBLE:

Trio of Mexican Soldiers (one of them can be Private Ungaro), John Wayne, Farmers, Future Farmers, Mexican soldiers, Texas Police, Head of Future Farmers, Texas Rangers, Highway Patrolman, Luci Johnson, Lynda Bird Johnson, Governor, Sheriff, Waiter, Farmer’s Wife, Reporters, Louisa (Carmela's sister)  

            

SETTING

Mid to late 1960s.  Action is mainly in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, and San Antonio, Texas.  

VIVA MAX!

Act 1

Scene 1  The Office of General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos - early afternoon
   Today Is My Day - Max

Scene 2  The Town Square of Nuevo Laredo & the Restaurant Casa Roberto
   Nuevo Laredo Awaits You - Max and the Soldiers Trio
   I Don’t Think So - Carmela

Scene 3  Max’s Office – that evening

Scene 4  The Washington’s Birthday Parade 
   Nuevo Laredo March - Salazar, Soldiers and the Future Farmers of America
 

Scene 5. On the way to San Antonio

Moments on the Road - The Soldiers Trio

Scene 6.   Around the Alamo & in the Alamo Gift Shop - late afternoon
   Remember the Alamo - Paula, Lulu and Tourists
   ‘Twas Ever Thus - Paula and Max

Scene 7 simultaneously: Chief Sylvester’s Office & Texas Governor’s Office - evening
   Sylvester’s Philosophy - Gotta Give a Guy a Gun - Chief Sylvester and the Texas Rangers

Scene 8  A Display Holding Cell at the Alamo - later that evening
   What a Woman Wants – Max (with Paula)
   It’s Just I Haven’t Met the Man Yet - Paula and the Soldiers Trio

Scene 9.  Alamo courtyard.

     More – Max

Scene 10  The Alamo, just inside & just outside the Gate – even later that evening

   The Battle between Sylvester’s officers and Max’s soldiers

Act 2

Scene 1  Max’s Dream in the White House Oval Office / Alamo grounds - early next morning
   What Do You Do… ? - Lady Bird, Luci, Lynda, LBJ, John Wayne, Reporters, Lulu
   Honesty - Max

   Holdin’ Down the Fort – Radio Singers, joined by others in the Alamo

Scene 2   The Gift Shop & outside the Alamo Gate
   These Are the Gifts – Max.,the Reporters and company
    Reprise:  Sylvester’s Philosophy - Gotta Give a Guy a Gun 

Scene 3  The White House
Scene 4  The Gift Shop & the Courtyard inside the Alamo 

   Reprise:  What a Woman Wants  – Lulu and Ungaro    

   Reprise:  Nuevo Laredo March  (Crossing the Line)  – Salazar, Ungaro and Soldiers

   

Scene 5   Just outside & just inside the Alamo Gate

   I Was Wrong - Paula and Max

Scene 6  The Town Square of Nuevo Laredo, two years later

   Finale: Nuevo Laredo Stands Proudly - The Company

VIVA MAX!

ACT 1, SCENE 1: The office of General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos in Nuevo Laredo.   

- 

An afternoon in the mid-1960s at an army base in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. Private Ungaro is getting Max’s dress uniform ready for him.

                        SONG: TODAY IS MY DAY

(Throughout the number UNGARO will function as MAX’s valet and help him dress with the hat as a crowning element in the last few bars.)

MAX

LA LA. LA LA LA LA LA. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.              

UNGARO

You are sounding very jolly, General.

MAX

I WAS DREAMING I WAS LEVITATING SIX OR SEVEN FEET ABOVE MY BED.

UNGARO

(giving MAX his uniform shirt)

Camiso?

MAX

WHEN I HEARD “WAKE UP, MAN, GET CELEBRATING,” FROM AN ANGEL CHOIR IN

MY HEAD.

(UNGARO hands MAX his uniform trousers.)

Thank you, Private Ungaro!

UNGARO

And did the angels say anything else?

MAX

Oh, yes!

THEY SAID IT’S MY DAY!

THE HEAVENS ALL ALIGNED

AND A MAGICAL

DAY HAS BEEN DESIGNED

FOR SPECIFIC’LLY – ME.

(LIEUTENANT SALAZAR enters)

Ah, Lieutenant Salazar!

SALAZAR

Good day, General.

MAX

HOORAY! IT’S MY DAY!

THERE’S BUZZING IN THE AIR

AND A SPARKLE IN

COLORS EV’RYWHERE

LIKE I TOOK L S D.

Which of course I never would, I’m a Mexican general for heaven’s sake, not some Cal Berkeley flower-child hippie.

SALAZAR

That’s reassuring to know, General.

MAX

ALL I’VE DREAMED AND PLANNED

EV’RY HEART’S DESIRE

COME HERE HAND IN HAND

TO JOIN AND LIFT ME EVER HIGHER

UNGARO

Your coat, sir.

MAX

TODAY IS MY DAY

I’LL TWIST ‘N’ ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

I’LL BE SHOUTING OUT

HOLY GUACAMOL-

E! CAN’T BELIEVE THIS CAN BE.

MY DAY FOR SPECIFIC’LLY ME

SALAZAR

Excuse me, General. I must check that everyone is ready for your fiancée Carmela’s first visit to our town.

(SALAZAR exits)

MAX

Ah yes, Carmela…

BEAUTIFUL AND PALE…

GENTLE VOICE AND LAUGHTER…

LIKE A FAIRY TALE

I KNEW I’D LOVE YOU EVER AFTER!

UNGARO

Boots, sir.

MAX

TODAY IS MY DAY!…

I MEAN, IT’S HER DAY!

WHEN ALL I HAVE I’LL SHARE

WITH MY FIANCÉE

SO EXTRAORDINAIRE

SHE’LL BE HAPPY TO SEE!

UNGARO

The hat your fiancée gave you, sir.

(MAX smiles and takes the General’s hat UNGARO has presented to him but

doesn’t put it on yet.)

MAX

OLÉ! IT’S OUR DAY!

PERMIT ME TO REJOICE

SINGING BESAMÉ

MUCHO IN FULL VOICE

AND A BIT OUT OF KEY

IT’S MY DAY

IT’S HER DAY

(SALAZAR rushes in, breathless.)

SALAZAR

Pardon me, General. The train came in early. She’s here!

MAX

TODAY IS OUR DAY!!!

(MAX puts the hat on as a finishing touch and ALL THREE exit.)

ACT 1, SCENE 2:  The Town Square in Nuevo Laredo & the Restaurant Casa Roberto

- 

The Town Square. Carmela waits at an outdoor café, while taking in the flavor of the town.

MEN’S TRIO

(Singing directly to CARMELA whom they’ve spotted at the street café.) 

SEÑORITA CARMELA

WE JOIN OUR VOICES A CAPELLA

RESOUNDING HIGH

RESOUNDING LOW

TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT YOU ARE SO

WELCOME IN NUEVO LAREDO

(CARMELA gets up from the table and applauds the trio.  MAX rushes over.)

MAX 

(trying to get to CARMELA)

Carmela, I am so sorry; -- your train got here so early.  I wanted to surprise you.  

CARMELA 

I am already surprised, Max.  

(desperate to avoid talking to Max, sees a familiar face)  

Ah, Lieutenant Salazar!  It’s so nice to see you again.  

(She puts out her hand to shake his – he reaches for her hand and instead kisses it, lingering a moment too long, which pleases CARMELA.) 

SALAZAR

You look as ravishing as you did when we saw you in Mexico City.  Private Ungaro has your bags. I’ll personally make sure he gets them safely back to the base. 

UNGARO 

(very happy with what he does and his lot in life)

Hi Miss Carmela.  May I say that’s a very smart outfit.  Is it Chanel?

CARMELA

            (still trying to avoid talking to MAX)

You know Chanel, Private Ungaro?  Maybe you can guide me to the best shopping spots.

UNGARO

I’m afraid we don’t have fancy shops . . .   

MAX (cutting off UNGARO mid-sentence)

Let me guide you to the beauty of our town. 

(CARMELA is trying to conceal her horror at what she’s starting to realize her life here with MAX might be like.)

SONG: NUEVO LAREDO AWAITS YOU

MAX & TRIO

NUEVO LAREDO AWAITS YOU

MAX

ON THE EDGE OF THE RIO GRANDE
IN THE HEAT OF THE DESERT SAND
COOLED BY OCEAN BREEZES FROM THE EAST
SHADED BY THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WEST

TRIO

JUST LIKE HE SAYS, WE’RE TRULY BLEST!

MAX & TRIO

NUEVO LAREDO IS READY

MAX

WITH ITS HEART AND ITS OPEN ARMS
TO PARADE ALL ITS FRONTIER CHARMS
IN WAYS YOU’LL FIND BOTH QUIZZICAL AND QUAINT
ABANDONING ALL CITIFIED RESTRAINT

TRIO

A METROPOLIS, THIS VILLAGE AIN’T!

MAX

THERE’S THE MISSION WHERE WE’LL MARRY.
THE ONE CANTINA’S OVER THERE.
THE DRESS-SHOP’S OVER BY THE DAIRY
THE BUTCHER’S WIFE DOES NAILS AND HAIR.

OUR CINEMA IS IN THE COURT THERE.
OUR LAUNDRY HAS A BRAND NEW PRESS.
OUR HOME WILL BE OUT IN THE FORT THERE,
THE LITTLE SUITE ABOVE THE MESS.

CARMELA

Mess?!  Our home is above the kitchen?

MAX

We are directly above the dining hall.  The center of everything.

MAX & TRIO

NUEVO LAREDO IS GROWING

MAX

BUT IT SO NEEDS YOUR GUIDING HAND
SO IT GRACEFULLY CAN EXPAND
AND REACH THE VERY HEIGHTS OF ITS POTENTIAL
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE EXPONENTIAL

MAX & TRIO

OH, CARMELA, CARMELA,
YOU CAST A SPELL UPON OUR HEARTS
NOW DO AS WELL UPON THIS TOWN
AND BRING IT FAME AND GREAT RENOWN,

MAX

SO STARTING TODAY,
WHEREVER WE GO,
WHATEVER YOU DO AND SAY
IS A GIFT YOU BESTOW
ON OUR NEW HOME
NUEVO LAREDO!

TRIO

NUEVO LAREDO!

 (By the end of the song, they are back at the café.)

SALAZAR

While you enjoy your dinner, I’ll make sure the plans are set for our visit across the border tomorrow, to the Washington Birthday Parade.  (to Carmela)   It’s in our sister city, Laredo, Texas.

UNGARO

There’s a seat for you, of course in the V.I.P. viewing stand.  You’ll be right next to the Ambassador and his wife.  The limousine will pick you up about 9 a.m. 

CARMELA 

(sensing maybe the town is a small pond,  but this sounds promising)

Oh!  The V.I.P. viewing stand!  Sounds lovely!  Thank you both.  Thank you all. 

The soldiers exit.  

(MAX and CARMELA are seated; CARMELA continues to try unsuccessfully to cover her disappointment in the town.)

(While the conversation is going on, the WAITER appears with a bottle of wine and opens it. MAX smells the cork and nods his approval for the WAITER to pour)

CARMELA 

Well, maybe after we eat, we can  explore the sanctuary where we’ll be married so I can plan.   You know, make sure that people who need to be kept apart can be - kept apart.

For example, we can’t have someone like Tio Victor, a war hero, and a successful businessman sitting next to some someone not so successful.

MAX

All right.  Let’s enjoy our meal.  Then right after dinner, we can work on the list for our wedding.  

CARMELA

 Oh, Max, my abuelita was overjoyed.  She kept saying, “Marrying a General!  Another General in the family! Your mama would be so proud god rest her soul.” And my friends also were so happy at the news of our engagement. Well, a few of my friends were also a bit jealous, but that’s understandable.

MAX

(a stab at romance)  As long as you are there, it matters not who else attends. 

(to the Waiter) We’d like to order now.

WAITER

(The Waiter is obviously stressed. His tone is sharp)

I’ll be right back.  There’s a large party of American tourists that showed up unexpectedly, and I’m behind since we’re all taking care of them. Your patience and understanding will be greatly appreciated, Señor. 

CARMELA

You call him Señor?  Shouldn’t you call him General?

WAITER

I no longer work for him on the base.  I’m sure the Señor understands.

            (The waiter walks off towards another table.  Carmela  is horrified.  Max genuinely does not care how the waiter addressed him.)

CARMELA

Maximilian, a man who served under you disrespects you in this way and you don’t react?  

MAX (sincerely)

But Carmela, I can not demand of civilians to address me as General.  This man decided the military life was not for him, and it is not my place in the modern service to force him -

CARMELA

Once a soldier, always a soldier. my Papí says.  A General does not simply cease to demand respect of someone who worked beneath him.

MAX

Carmela, please, calmaté. 

CARMELA

This does not seem like the General who courted me, my whole fanily,  in Saltillo. The man who claimed to be respected by his people! A man who deserved to be respected.  

(CARMELA gets up and walks immediately up to the waiter.)

You! - you apologize to the General immediately for dis-honoring him.

WAITER (to MAX) 

You send a beautiful woman to fight for you, General? I see you still haven’t found your cojones.  

(CARMELA throws water at the WAITER, who spills something on her dress in return. MAX remains in his seat, trying to play it down and motioning to CARMELA to let it go and be reseated.)

CARMELA

(to MAX, completely disgusted and ready to leave)  

Well, it seems nothing here will live up to what I expected, especially you, Maximilian.  I’m not even here a few hours, and I’m already fighting your battles while you shrink away. 

MAX

Carmela, this is 1967.  There is no fight here.  Please, listen to me ----

                       (CARMELA puts up her hand for him to stop talking.  She does not want to hear it.  
                       She feels that she's been misled, and knows what she now sees is not a life for her.)

                        SONG:  I DON’T THINK SO

CARMELA 

(starting more collected, but building anger during song)

I MUST THANK YOU FOR THE WELCOME AND THE TOUR. 

UNBELIEVABLE! BEYOND IMAGINATION

ANY EFFORT FINDING WORDS FOR MY ELATION

WOULD BE HOPELESSLY AND SORELY PREMATURE

BUT DIOS MIO-MY

I CAN’T. I SHOULD. I’LL TRY.

CAN YOU SEE ME SITTING EVERY DAY AT THAT CAFE

WHERE I CATCH THE CULTURAL EVENTS THAT PASS MY WAY

BAREFOOT CHILDREN PLAY AS WOMEN SLAVE AT CHORES

WHILE THE MEN SNEAK OFF TO BOYS TOWN AND THE WHORES?

I JUST DON’T KNOW

BUT I DON’T THINK SO.

CAN YOU SEE ME FREQUENTING THE DAIRY OVER THERE

THE MILKMAN’S WIFE, SHE DROPS HER PAIL AND RUNS TO DO MY HAIR.

WHILE SHAMPOOING FOR MY NEW OUTDATED DO.

I’M SERENADED BY A BAA, A MAA, A MOO.

IT’S QUITE A SHOW,

BUT I DON’T THINK SO.

IN GUAD’LAJARA WHEN WE MET THAT SUMMER,

I THOUGHT: HERE’S A BRIGHT MAN, A REAL UP-AND-COMER.

I NEVER DREAMED YOU’D WIND UP IN THIS BUMMER

OF A HELLHOLE!

WITH OUR HOME ABOVE THE MESS HALL IN THE BIG YARD,

WHERE IT REEKS OF SALSA, REFRIED BEANS AND PIG LARD,

WHO NEEDS PERFUME? EVERY NIGHT I’LL SMELL LIKE A COLD FISH TACO! 

WHOA!!

I DON’T THINK SO!

I USED TO DREAM I’D HAVE A HANDSOME GEN’RAL OF MY OWN

LIKE A SIMON BÓLIVAR, MY PAPA, OR PERÓN,

A RESPECTED MAN WITH MUSCLE AND SOME PULL.

BUT A FLOWER SNIFFING FERDINAND THE BULL?!

I MUST SAY “NO”!

YES! I DON’T THINK SO! 

WHEN I THINK OF THEN AND NOW

THEN I THINK OF HERE AND YOU

TOWNS LIKE THIS ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEXICO

MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHY WE LOST THE ALAMO

AND TO SPEND MY LIFE

WHICH WILL SEEM LIKE EONS

AS YOUR LOVELY WIFE

AMONG THE ARMADILLOS AND PEONS?!

I THINK I’LL GO

‘CAUSE I DON’T THINK SO! 

I thought you had potential in Mexico City.  I was wrong.                

 (CARMELA takes off her engagement ring and throws it at MAX.  It lands on the floor.  She starts to walk away indignantly; then stops and runs back to retrieve the ring, pocketing it to keep for herself.)

                                                                    

MAX

Don’t go like this.  Carmela.  CARMELA!! 

- 

            Alone, Max walks back to his office on the base. 

ACT 1, SCENE 3:  Back in Max’s office

MAX 

            (arriving at his office, very agitated, practically yelling)

I’m sorry Carmela!  Sorry that I’m not the man you want me to be. 

(UNGARO and SALAZAR enter unexpectedly.)

UNGARO

General.  Are you OK?

MAX

Yes, of course.  

SALAZAR

Soooo -- They say Carmela doesn’t have you to kick around anymore?

MAX

Diplomatically put.  Keep that up, and soon you’ll be a General just like me.

SALAZAR (puzzled)

Just like you, General?

UNGARO (cutting him off very quickly)

This is for you, General.   (hands Max a drink)

And here’s some mail that needs your attention.

SALAZAR

(grabs the mail from UNGARO)

Our troop’s papers for participation in the George Washington birthday parade in our sister city, Laredo, Texas.  They always treat you well across the border. 

MAX

Next.

SALAZAR

Also, your invitation to the Pan American Friendship Day ceremonies; -- this year in San Antonio on the grounds of the Alamo!

MAX

The Alamo?  The last Mexican General to visit the Alamo didn't exactly get welcomed too warmly.

            

            (Maybe a bell tone or note on piano.  Max hears Carmela’s words taunting him. It can be an off-stage voice, or a vision of CARMELA can appear on stage – either way, the voice is all in MAX’s mind.)

VOICE OF CARMELA (taunting MAX)

MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEXICO

MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHY WE LOST THE ALAMO

SALAZAR & UNGARO (worried because Max has drifted off)

General?

MAX (A bell has gone off in Max’s head)

Yes, yes.  That’s enough excitement for tonight.  You may go.

 (Once alone, MAX picks up the invitation and reads the location out loud)

San Antonio!  The Alamo!   What do you think of THAT, Carmela?

(Segue immediately to the intro to the Marching music.)

ACT 1, SCENE 4:  Washington’s Birthday Parade, then on the road to San Antonio  

- 

Max’s troop begins its march from Nuevo Laredo, Mexico to the Parade in Laredo, Texas.  

                        SONG:  THE NUEVO LAREDO MARCH

SOLDIERS

(UNGARO, SOLDIER 1, SOLDIER 3 – variously)

(Soldier 3)       MY LORD, IT’S EARLY.  

(Ungaro)         OH, YES.  

(Soldier 1)      WHO GAVE THE ORDERS? 

(Soldier 3)      JUST GUESS. 

(Soldier 3)       FIRST WE WAIT, 

(Soldier 1)       THEN WE STAND  

(Soldier 3)      THEN WE’RE AT HIS COMMAND   

(1 & 3)            WE GO MARCHING WHO KNOWS WHERE OR WHY  

(Soldier 3)       MY HEAD IS SPLITTING.  

(Ungaro)         MINE, TOO    

                        TOO MUCH TEQUILA?  

(Soldier 3)       TOO TRUE. 

(Soldier 1)        TOO MUCH BEER, 

(Soldier 3)        TOO MUCH WINE    

(Soldier 1)        WHY CAN’T THAT MAN SLEEP TILL NINE?  

(1 & 3)              WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS I WANNA DIE! 

(As the parade set rolls on, the soldiers arrive at the holding area for the parade.)

(The Soldiers break formation and start milling around the holding area, awaiting their turn to march in the parade.  Parade music and crowd noises can be heard in the background. SALAZAR and MAX make conversation while waiting.)

MAX

I liked our position in the parade better last year.

We have been moved back behind – what?  (motions generally toward group in front of them) Farmers and cows? 

            (MAX sees it is their turn to march)

Ah, -- here we go.

SALAZAR

(To soldiers)

In line, behind the General.  

ANNOUNCER

Give a Texas welcome for the soldiers from our sister city Nuevo Laredo, in Mexico.

MAX AND SALAZAR

Forward, march!

COME!

SING OF OUR LAND

SING OF ITS GRAND AND FABULOUS WONDERS!

SOLDIERS (TOGETHER AND VARIOUSLY)

MEXICO IS FULL OF ADVENTURE,

FULL OF MAGICAL STORIES.

FAMOUS PEOPLE, CITIES AND LANDMARKS

GIVING PROOF OF HER GLORIES.

MONTEZUMA’S TOWERING AZTEC

PYRAMIDS IN THE MOUNTAINS

XOCHIMILCO’S GONDOLAS GLIDE BY

FLOATING FLOWERS AND FOUNTAINS

(Max’s group comes to a temporary stop.)

FFA FARMER

Just letting you know, we’re coming to a halt for a moment. One of our cows took sick.

MAX (to Salazar)

We’re waiting for a cow?

FFA FARMER

 If you guys could pass down that information to the groups behind you, we’d sure appreciate it.

MAX

 (sounding very annoyed)

With pleasure, perhaps you would like us to clean the sick up as well?

FFA FARMER

What’s that?

SALAZAR

Oh, this is not the General’s first language.  He meant to say (says very genially) with pleasure and the cleaning joke – that was a joke.  I’ll run off to pass the word down to the next group.    (He exits very briefly)

FFA FARMER  

(There is an awkward pause) 

I have quite a few of you guys workin’ on my farm. You all are damn fine workers, don’t understand a word of English. They don’t need no English to pick fruit. 

(big laugh)

 Your English is real good for a Mexican.

(hands Max a couple of cards)

Here – and also one for your uh-mee-go – let me make you an honorary member of the Future Farmers of America.     (Salazar is back.)

MAX 

(showing Salazar the card)

Look, Salazar, these people – who are in front of us – are FUTURE Farmers, 

            (FFA Farmer has left.  Max continues.)    

They’re not even farmers yet, but it’s ok, because my English is real good.

SALAZAR

I was assured the marching order is random, General. 

            

(The music begins again as the parade is ready to proceed.)

FFA FARMER

(as he waves the group along, as the parade starts up again.)  

OK, Future Farmers – let’s go!

FUTURE FARMERS OF AMERICA

WE KNOW OUR COWS

WE KNOW OUR SHEEP

OH, WE KNOW A HEAP ABOUT FARMING

WE KNOW OUR PLOWS

WE SOW TO REAP

WE LOVE THE CHEEPING OF LITTLE CHICKIES

FROM THE ROOSTER CROW AT DAWN

TO THE EARLY EVENING YAWN

WE FALL ASLEEP

KNOWING WE KEEP

THE FUTURE FARMER’S WAY!

SALAZAR

COME!  LIFT YOUR HEADS HIGH

SING TO THE SKY WHY WE ARE SO HAPPY- -

SOLDIERS

PROUDLY WE MARCH. WE ARE

SOLDIERS – WHO LIVE – AND DIE– FOR DEAR OLD MEXICO

LOUDLY WE MARCH SO YOU’LL

KNOW WHEN WE COME YOUR WAY

WE ARE COOL BUT AUDACIOUS,

FAIR, SQUARE, KIND, BUT TENACIOUS.

PROUDLY WE MARCH.  MAY YOU

NEVER FORGET US TODAY.

      FUTURE FARMERS      in counterpoint with              SOLDIERS

WE KNOW OUR COWS

                                                                           PROUDLY WE MARCH. WE ARE SOLDIERS

WE KNOW OUR SHEEP

                                                                           WHO LIVE AND DIE FOR DEAR OLD  MEXICO                                                             

OH, WE KNOW A HEAP

                                                                           LOUDLY WE MARCH SO YOU’LL

ABOUT FARMING

                                                                           KNOW WHEN WE COME YOUR WAY 

WE KNOW OUR PLOWS

                                                                           WE ARE COOL BUT AUDACIOUS

WE SOW TO REAP

                                                                           FAIR, SQUARE, KIND, BUT TENACIOUS

WE LOVE THE CHEEP-

                                                                           PROUDLY WE MARCH.  MAY YOU

ING OF LITTLE CHICKIES

                                                                           NEVER FORGET US TODAY

FROM THE ROOSTER CROW AT DAWN

TO THE EARLY EVENING YAWN

WE FALL ASLEEP KNOWING WE KEEP

THE FUTURE FARMER’S WAY!

THE FUTURE FARMER’S WAY!                   NEVER FORGET US TODAY!

.          

(The Parade ends.)  

As the scene changes, MAX and his soldiers have finished their marching and are back in the holding area, enjoying some soft drinks and snacks.

ACT 1, SCENE 5  On the road to San Antonio  

(After the Parade has ended, MAX and his soldiers are back in the holding area, enjoying some soft drinks and snacks.)

AMBASSADOR

You and your troops did Mexico proud.  I’m so sorry not to see Carmela today, but hope to see her at your wedding.  Her father and I go way way back.

AMBASSADOR’S WIFE

So subtle. We don’t even know if there’s room for us to be invited.     (They all laugh.)

MAX

Ambassador, of course, any celebration I have, you both are always invited.

SALAZAR

Shall I line the men up, sir?

MAX

Yes.  I want to get some distance in on our way to San Antonio.

SALAZAR

San Antonio? I receive all orders for you on your behalf, general, and I haven’t -

MAX

Then you’re receiving these orders now –  from me – we’re going to San Antonio.

SALAZAR

Oh, you mean that Pan American Friendship thing?   That must be over a hundred miles away!  

The men have never marched that far!

MAX

If I can do it, so can they.  

SALAZAR

If I can do it, so can they? 

(very official) Atten-tion!    

(The soldiers rush to stand in formation.)

We have a new destination and we leave in five minutes. Pack any food you can from the buffet in the tent and come back immediately.   

 (The soldiers grab some food, get in formation, and start marching. They see a highway mileage marker with distances to various cities, including San Antonio.)

MOMENTS ON THE ROAD #1

UNGARO

Look at the road sign.

SOLDIER THREE

Wonder which of those places we’re heading for.

THE TRIO 

Trio singer #3    COTULLA, THEN THERE’S DILLEY AND PEARSALL

Trio singer #1    THAT’S ONE HUNDRED MILES-PLUS THERE

Trio singer #2    THEN DEVINE AND LYTLE, VON ORMY…

Trio singer #1    IS THERE NO GREYHOUND BUS THERE?!

(They are stopped by a HIGHWAY PATROLMAN)

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

 (very nasty and suspicious)

Hey, whoa there, Amigos!  Where do you think you’re going?

MAX

A problem?

SALAZAR

No problem, General.  Just show him the invitation to the Friendship ceremony.

(MAX pats down his pocket and is relieved when he realizes the invitation is in there.  He pulls out the invitation and hands it to the Patrolman. Upon hearing Max referred to as “General,” the HIGHWAY PATROLMAN isn’t quite so sure of himself.) 

MAX

We are official invitees to the Pan American Friendship Day.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

You’re two weeks early for that, aren’t you?  This does look official, but why are you in Texas so far in advance.   I’ll have to call in to my boss and ask…

SALAZAR

Do you want your boss to find out you’re giving trouble to a man the President personally invited to an official Presidential ceremony?

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

This looks like it just has your name, General, what’s with this whole group?

SALAZAR

What would a general be without his men? 

 (The SOLDIERS all agree.) 

MAX

Yes, obviously my men were invited as well.  I’m sure they taught you that in your training?

 I’ll be sure to commend your courtesy to the President when I see him at the reception.  Onward men!

SALAZAR

Forward, march!

(The march continues as the patrolman, slightly dazed, watches them move farther into the distance.  Scene continues with the men marching – indication of passing time; it’s getting dark out.)

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

Stupid beaners could all take a bus for less than 20 bucks. They’d be there in like 2 hours. 

                        

                        MOMENTS ON THE ROAD #2

SOLDIERS

Bass Drummer (trio singer #3)

            MY BACK IS BREAKING.  DAMN DRUM!

Trumpeter(trio singer #1)     

MY LIPS ARE LIVER.  THEY’RE NUMB.

Soldier  (trio singer #3)

            I’VE GOT BLISTERS WITH CORNS.

Soldier  (trio singer #1)

            IT’S LIKE I’M WALKING ON THORNS.

Soldier(trio singer #2)

            SO WE WON’T GO HAT DANCING TONIGHT?

SALAZAR

General, the men are quite tired.  Maybe we can rest in this field.  

MAX

            (MAX looks over at the men and as if for the first time, sees how tired they look)

Yes, that’s a good idea. 

             (as SALAZAR motions to the men to set up camp)

I suppose this is the right time to tell them a little more about our mission.

 (A FARMER with a gun suddenly appears.  He points it at the soldiers randomly.)

FARMER (threatening)

Freeze!

SALAZAR

Hold on there.  Put that gun away, Señor. We can explain.

FARMER

Seen-yore? You a Mesican? You’re in ‘Merica now buddy and it ain’t no crime to shoot a Mesican! Especially one who’s here ILLEGALLY!

MAX

Good evening, sir.  I am General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos from the Republic of Mexico, and these are my soldiers.

(MAX holds out his hand to shake but the farmer just stares at it.)

We just wanted to rest for a while on our way to San Antonio.

            (The FARMER continues to hold the gun as if ready to use it at a moment’s notice.)

FARMER

You’re right in the middle of my squash. You’re standing on my best ones. We shoot Mesicans for less ‘round here.

MAX

I am sorry about your squash.  I totally understand.  Look what I have here!

(MAX slowly, so as not to alarm the farmer, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card which he hands to the farmer, who looks at it.) 

FARMER

(reading) Honorary Member, Future Farmers of America.

            

             (FARMER’s attitude eases up.  Maybe takes off his hat, or some other ways but we see this the same farmer they had interacted with at the parade in Laredo that morning.) 

These are my initials.  I thought you looked familiar!  You guys were so helpful at the parade in Laredo his morning!

MAX

    (points towards the men.)   

We heard there’s an FFA gathering in San Antonio, so since we’re members now…   

SALAZAR (winging it)

Oh!  Yes, we hope to get there in time for the tractor driving contest.  A fellow Mexican is a leading contender.

 (The men nod in agreement.  The FARMER stares at them a couple of seconds, then a smile forms on his face.)

FARMER

Well why didn’t ya say so before?  Ya know, San Antonio’s a ways away!  I've got to take the wife to her mom in town in the morning.  We could bring you to the bus station, less than ten bucks would get all of you to San Antonio in an hour and change.  If we take the truck, y’all would fit fine. 

 (The SOLDIERS anxiously start to nod and smiles break out at the idea.)

MAX

            (Max looks at the men’s eagerness.)

Yes. We accept your generosity. You are most kind. May I pay for the damage to your squash?

FARMER

The heck with that! Save your cash for the bus ride. The Missus and I will see you in the morning!  Night, now!   

 (The FARMER exits.)

SALAZAR

Good job, men.  (very official)  Company dismissed!   (a bit warmer). Sleep well. 

SOLDIER ONE (longingly)

I can’t sleep.   My stomach’s making too much noise.

                        MOMENTS ON THE ROAD #3

TRIO SINGER #1

GUACAMOLE, MOLE POBLANO

TRIO SINGER #2 (as if imagining back home)

BEEF ENCASED IN CORN MASA

TRIO SINGER #3 (with real feeling of yearning)

ENCHILADA, CHILI, CHORIZO

THE WHOLE TRIO 

WAIT BACK THERE IN MI CASA  

                     (on the word “casa” – yawning, as if ready to sleep)

FARMER 

(enters with wife, in American Gothic-like pose, but smiling)

(shouts at first)  Morning! You farmers  ready?  Our help loaded some fresh biscuits and sausage for y’all on the truck, he’s a Mesican too!  

FARMER’S WIFE

It’s a joy for us to get to do foreign farmers a good turn!  And nice to have some company on our drive.

SALAZAR

            (to Max while the men cheerfully get on the truck) 

See, good things came from being behind those Farmers!

MAX

Yes, this mission is working out!

            (They suggest movement as if on the truck. They pass a billboard along the road that says “Own a Piece of the Alamo.”  It is an advertisement for the Alamo gift shop.)

SOLDIER ONE (pointing to the billboard)

Look at that:  Own a piece of the Alamo.

SOLDIER THREE

We’ll see it soon enough.  

UNGARO 

We’re going to the Alamo?

SOLDIER THREE

That’s where the Friendship party is, right?  It was in the paper. 

FARMER (bringing truck movement to a stop)

Here's where we’ll let you guys off.

FARMER’S WIFE

Hope the tractor pull is fun.  Have a good time.     (They wave, then the truck drives off)

BUS DRIVER (calling out)

Number 108 bus to San Antonio is ready for boarding. 

(MAX takes out money. The Driver counts the men and hands over bus tickets.)  

Great.  Here’s your change – and your tickets.  We’ll take off once we fill up a little more.

(A few more people get on.)

Express to San Antonio!  If your destination is not San Antonio, you’re on the wrong bus.

(They suggest movement as if bus is  moving.)

MAX

Now listen up.  Everyone. When we get to the grounds in San Antonio, I‘ll look around and figure out the best spot to settle in before we have to turn to official business.

SALAZAR

And remember. We represent Mexico.

SOLDIERS 

(PLAYFUL VARIATION ON THEIR MARCH SONG)

MAZATLAN HAS WONDERFUL SURFING,

PRETTY WOMEN AND DRINKING

METROPOL’S OUR TALLEST CATHEDRAL,

THOUGH IT SEEMS TO BE SINKING.

GUAD’LAJARA’S OPEN-AIR MARKET

BUY SERAPES AND RUGS THERE

OLD TIJUANA HAS A GOOD BULL FIGHT

GREAT BORDELLOS AND DRUGS THERE

BUS DRIVER

(calling out)   San Antonio city limits.  Last stop!

 (They disembark and start marching again.  A few locals are now pointing at the soldiers and wondering who they are.  A local SHERIFF approaches them.)

SHERIFF  [could be a female sheriff]

(looking with suspicion over the soldiers in uniform)      Stop right there. 

MAX

Good afternoon, Officer.

SHERIFF

What business do y’all have here in San Antonio?

MAX

We’re   (pauses for a moment, gets an idea, then continues)   

We are on our way to be in a new Alamo movie. A sequel.  Your Señor John Wayne has graciously asked us to appear with him. We’re marching to The Alamo so they can film our approach.

SHERIFF (excited)

John Wayne! At The Alamo? Wow. Boy, they really like to keep the cinema realistic these days, don’t they?      (over the radio)  It’s OK, Chief.   Just some movie extras. 

SALAZAR

So nice to meet you.   (while they start moving away) Do you have a card?  We’ll make sure you’re invited to the premiere.  

SHERIFF

Sure.  Here’s a blank summons.  Let me mark it Void.  My contact info is right on there.

MAX

(to the SHERIFF, as the men start marching away.)

How long until we reach The Alamo?

SHERIFF

Just stay on this path.  Less than a half hour.  You can’t miss the signs.  Hey, do you want a police escort?

SALAZAR

No, we must keep it authentic for the cameras.

  

MAX

(out loud, but only audience can hear him)

Do you hear that Carmela?  Less than a half hour!   

            (MAX cannot suppress a smile from forming on his face.)

ACT 1, SCENE 6 

- 

They arrive at The Alamo, where they find Paula leading a tour group and Lulu assisting customers in the gift shop. Some of Max’s men pose as mannequins in the Gift Shop to try to blend in.

                        SONG:  REMEMBER THE ALAMO

PAULA (addressing the tourists in her group)

HEY! WELCOME, ALL!  MY LAST GROUP OF THE DAY.

GATHER NEAR!!!

COME LISTEN UP NOW! AS SHAKESPEARE USED TO SAY.

LEND AN EAR!

THE ALAMO IS FULL OF LESSONS MANKIND KEEPS IGNORING

FULL OF CRUELTY, GREED, DISEASE, AND THE FUTILITY OF WARRING

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!  

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

WELL, ALAMO IS SPANISH FOR THE FERTILE ASPEN TREE. 

AND AN OLD FRANCISCAN MISSION’S WHAT THIS PLACE WAS BUILT TO BE 

SO LONG AGO

THE BIRTH OF THE ALAMO!

SO THAT WAS THE ALAMO!  

NOW IN MARCHES MEXICO!

THE SOLDIERS KICK THE MONKS OUT AND CONVERT IT TO A BASE.

AND THEN THEY GO DESERT IT AND THE TEXANS TAKE THEIR PLACE.

BUT THE MEXICANS DON’T LIKE THE TEXANS LIVING IN THEIR SPACE

AND HERE WE GO! 

THE FIGHT FOR THE ALAMO!

FOR THIRTEEN DAYS

WITH GUNS ABLAZING

THESE MEN ALL WENT THROUGH HELL

OUTMANNED AND SPENT

YET UNRELENTING

UNTIL THE VERY LAST MAN FELL.

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!  REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

THE THIRTEENTH DAY AT DUSK TWO-HUNDRED-FIFTY TEXANS DEAD

JIM BOWIE, DAVY CROCKETT, EV’RY SINGLE MAN THEY LED.

A TALE OF WOE.  

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

LULU (in the Alamo gift shop)

HEY! SHAKE A LEG, WE CLOSE IN HALF AN HOUR!

DO YA HEAR?!?!?!

GET OUT YOUR WALLETS AND USE YOUR BUYING POW’R!

AM I CLEAR?!

IN A PLACE THAT’S SO AMERICAN AND HOLY SUCH AS THIS IS

YOU REALLY NEED SOME KEEPSAKES FOR THE IN-LAWS, KIDS AND MISSIS!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!  

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

WHEN A PLACE IS SO IMPORTANT YOU SHOULD BUY A SOUVENIR

SO THE FOLKS BACK HOME CAN EAT THEIR HEARTS OUT KNOWING YOU WERE HERE 

AND YOU CAN CROW!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!   

THERE’S SO MUCH TO READ AND KNOW!

THESE ILLUSTRATED, ANNOTATED TOILET ROLLS ARE FINDS

AS YOUR CHILDREN SPILL THEIR DOODLYDOOS, THEY’LL FILL THEIR LITTLE MINDS!

AND THEY WILL SOOOOO

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

CHECK OUR DISPLAYS.

AREN’T THEY AMAZING?

SUCH GORGEOUS STUFF TO SELL!! 

THIS CROCKETT TENT

WITH ZIPPERED VENTING

A PLACE TO SIT AND SPOON A SPELL.

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!   LET’S PUT ON A FASHION SHOW

WHEN YOU JOIN TWO COONSKIN CAPS YOU GET A LOVELY SHOULDER WRAP 

ADD A RHINESTONE STUDDED BOWIE KNIFE WITH A BRAIDED SHEATH AND STRAP

AND COMME IL FAUT!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

PAULA & LULU & TOURISTS

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!    

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

PAULA

WE MUST ASK OURSELVES WHY FIGHT A WAR IF IT WAS FOUGHT FOR NAUGHT.

LULU

THEN AT HOME YOU LAUGH AND JUST ENJOY THE SOUVENIRS YOU BOUGHT

YOU’LL FEEL THIS GLOW!

  

PAULA & LULU

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

PAULA, LULU and TOURISTS

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!    

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

PAULA

THEY LOST A BLOODY BATTLE AND THEY THINK THEY WON THE WAR!

LULU

HERE’S A BOOK. WE ALL SHOULD READ SO WE’LL KNOW WHAT THE WAR WAS FOR!

PAULA & LULU

THEN BLOW BY BLOW!

PAULA, LULU and TOURISTS

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

PAULA, LULU and TOURISTS

FOR THIRTEEN DAYS

WITH GUNS ABLAZING

THESE MEN ALL WENT THROUGH HELL 

OUTMANNED AND SPENT

YET UNRELENTING

UNTIL THE VERY LAST MAN FELL.

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!   REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

LULU

YOU CAN TEXAS-SIZE YOUR WHISKEY WITH OUR DAVY CROCKET JIGGER.

PAULA

(to a young tourist who is going to touch one of MAX’s soldiers’ rifle.  The soldier is inanimate enough to be a mannequin.)

OH, YOUNG MAN, DON’T TOUCH THAT RIFLE TILL YOU’RE JUST A WEE BIT BIGGER.

LULU

(One of MAX’s soldiers is standing immobile by the ash-trays.)

AN ASH-TRAY WHERE YOU SMASH YOUR BUTT ON GEN’RAL SANTA ANA’S FACE

PAULA & LULU

(PAULA & LULU do a double take about the “mannequin” Mexican soldiers)

I DON’T REMEMBER MANNEQUINS BEFORE AROUND THE PLACE.

PAULA

WELL, I HOPE YOU GOT SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT BEFORE YOU HIT THE ROAD.

LULU

THERE AIN’T A THING IN LIFE THAT CAIN’T BE SERVED UP ALAMO-DE!  (A LA MODE)

EVERYONE EXCEPT THE SOLDIERS

REMEMBER THE –

REMEMBER THE -

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!!

PAULA

            (speaking into a microphone on the P.A. system.)

It’s closing time, ladies and gentlemen.  Please make your final selections.

LULU

(approaching a customer)

We’re closing.  Can I help you with anything on your way out?

CUSTOMER

No.  I’m just looking.

LULU

Just looking was fine for this morning or even twenty minutes ago. Here's a pass to cut the admission line any day this week to keep browsing, but tonight, we have to keep on schedule:
  (emphatically)  We’re closing!!!

MAX

(Grabs the microphone and speaks into it.)

I am General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos, Army of Mexico.  On behalf of our people, we are taking back what is -

LULU

Taking back?   Oh no.  Can’t do that.  All transactions are final and . . .  

            (noticing the presence of more soldiers)

Oh my god, it’s a Commie invasion.

MAX

QUIET!  We are taking back what is rightfully ours.  From this moment on, the Alamo shall again belong to the people of Mexico. 

(Max’s soldiers are shocked; this is the first they hear of this.) 

All women, children and elderly people may leave.  The rest of you - do not be frightened.  You will be safe if you cooperate. 

 (Some tourists head quickly to the exit. PAULA just stands there.)

MAX (to Paula)

Señorita, you must leave now.  

PAULA

Me?  No, I work here.  I have to stay.

MAX

Please - Women and children should not be in situations like this.  ‘Twas ever thus in the annals of history, and will be today, too.

LULU

(approaching Max a little, making fun of him)

‘Twas ever - what?   Maybe I could interest you in a nice souvenir Alamo calendar to check what century this is?  (points)  The remainder half-off items are right behind you – 

PAULA

(interrupting, holding Lulu back, protecting her from herself)

Lulu, please -  

(to Max) So - you seem to know English literature. Then I’m sure you know Taylor’s  "Duties of The Shopkeeper.”    (Max doesn’t, but pretends he does.)    I’m responsible for every item on these grounds.  I’m entrusted not to leave with other people here.  ‘Twas ever thus as well.  And will be today.

MAX

We do not detain women!

PAULA

Detain?  Oh, you mean you’re taking hostages, don’t you?  Is that all men know how to do?

                        SONG:  ‘TWAS EVER THUS

HERE WE GO AGAIN…              (MAX:  Again?)

I MEAN

HISTORY AND MEN…               (MAX:  You mean us?)

I MEAN

I COULD TALK BUT THEN

WHAT’S THE USE?!                     (MAX: But Senorita, I too am a student of history and I…)

JUST LOOK AT THE PAST…     (MAX:  Oh we have and that’s…)

I MEAN

WE SHOULD BE AGHAST…     (MAX:  And that’s why we’ve…)

I MEAN

THE CRUELTIES ARE VAST      (MAX:  Well, we have no intention of….)

THE ABUSE!                                  (MAX:  I assure you we won’t be..)

NO EXCUSE!                                 (MAX:  Okay, I won’t say another word…)

LET ME TELL YOU!:…

MAX (to himself)

A WOMAN NEEDS TO TALK.  THIS ISN’T NEWS!

THEY’RE GENETICALLY COMPELLED TO SHARE THEIR VIEWS.

PAULA

FROM CAIN AND ABEL TO VIET NAM

THE CAVEMAN CLUB TO THE ATOM BOMB

WHAT’S TO DISCUSS?

‘TWAS EVER THUS.

MAX (to himself)

SHOULD I TELL HER WE’VE NO CLUB OR BOMB ON HAND

OR A WATER PISTOL OR A RUBBER BAND?

PAULA

FROM BABY TODDLER TO OLD CURMUDGEON

YOU GET YOUR WAY WITH A WELL-TIMED BLUDGEON

NO MUSS, NO FUSS

‘TWAS EVER THUS.

MAX (to himself)

SHE’S RIGHT. A MAN OF MINE ONCE THREW A PUNCH

TO GET THE LAST TAMALE LEFT AT LUNCH.

PAULA

GHENGIZ KHAN, ATTILA THE HUN, NAPOLEON

TAUGHT THEIR MEN THE MASCULINE WAY THE WORLD IS WON:

LET’S GO FIGHT, SIR!

MIGHT IS RIGHT, SIR!

THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE!

YOU DON’T INVITE, SIR,

A MOHATMAS GHANDI OR AN ALBERT SCHWEITZER!

                                      

MAX (to himself)

SHE SAYS I’M LIKE GHENGIZ KHAN?! I CAN’T AGREE!

BUT NAPOLEON? OH, YES, WITH HIM I SEE.

PAULA

IT DOESN’T MATTER ONE WHIT WHO‘LL SUFFER.

IT ONLY MATTERS WHO’S BIGGER, TOUGHER.

THEY STAMP AND CUSS

‘TWAS EVER THUS!

MAX (to himself)

THERE’S SO MUCH IN LIFE FOR WHICH SHE SEEMS TO CARE

AND SHE NEVER TALKS OF MAKE-UP, CLOTHES OR HAIR!

PAULA

MARTIN LUTHER KING, BUDDHA, WHITMAN, SAINT INEZ

I HOLD DEAR EACH PEACE-LOVING THOUGHT THAT EACH ONE SAYS

I EXPLORE THEM

I LIVE FOR THEM (all of a sudden remembering)

OH! AND JOAN BAEZ! 

HOW I ADORE THEM!

AND MY GIRL JANE FONDA SAYS WE CAN’T IGNORE THEM!

MAX (to himself)

I HAVE NEVER MET A WOMAN WITH GOOD LOOKS

WHO HAS EVER READ SO MANY HIST’RY BOOKS.

PAULA

SO HERE YOU ARE AT THE ALAMO

YOU THINK YOU’RE GREAT AT THIS MAN THING, NO?

GET ON THE BUS!

‘TWAS EVER THUS!

MAX (to himself)

IT IS ODD THIS FEELING BEING RIPPED APART

WHILE I’M THINKING, “HEY! THIS WOMAN’S VERY SMART.”

PAULA

PREDICTABLE JUST LIKE DEATH AND TAXES

THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS HAVE GEN’RAL MAX-ES

 “WHEN DOES IT STOP?!,”

JUST BETWEEN US:

IT DOESN’T STOP.

‘TWAS EVER THUS.

MAX (to himself)

MY CARMELA NEVER TALKED TO ME LIKE THIS.

THIS IS SOMETHING I COULD REALLY GROW TO MISS.

PAULA and MAX

‘TWAS EVER EVER THUS!

‘TWAS EVER THUS.

MAX

Senorita, please, I am doing my job, too, and that is to bring honor to the people of Mexico.   Salazar, escort this lady out!

(MAX waves him over and motions for him to escort PAULA out. After a momentary staring contest with MAX, SALAZAR takes PAULA’s arm gently escorting her towards the exit, while she continues to resist leaving.)

PAULA

(a bit craftily to get everyone else set free, a bit intrigued by MAX)

Look, all you need is one hostage to get them to listen to you, and I’ll be that hostage.

LULU

Well, I'm not going anywhere either, no matter what this other Commie says.

SALAZAR

You heard him, women, children and the elderly must leave.

LULU

I am not elderly, this is just how I dress for work, and don’t underestimate the strength of a woman with comfortable shoes.

SALAZAR

I underestimate no one.

LULU

Well, I’m not leaving.  If I have to go down in a blaze of glory, I want it to be while fighting against the Commies.

UNGARO 

(running over and interrupting)

We’re not Commies.  We’re just trying to take back the Alamo for Mexico. 

LULU

That’s practically the Merriam-Webster American as apple pie definition of Commie.

PAULA

Lulu, please leave, I know I’ll be fine if it’s me you’re worried about.

LULU

I refuse.

            (Lulu grabs a pair of handcuffs and latches herself onto a nearby table.)

MAX

Where are the keys to those handcuffs?

PAULA

There are no keys.

MAX

You mean they're just a toy?

(MAX walks over and simply opens the cuffs, removing them from Lulu’s wrists.)

LULU

I wanted to show you I meant business.  Look, this is what I want to do.  My Alamo’s always been here for me, I want to be here for my Alamo.

                        (The soldiers seem a bit touched by her passion.  LULU gets a little tougher) 
So - I’m not leaving until every last one of you is on your way to a jail cell.

PAULA

Lulu, that’s not helping.

(hopefully, to Max)

But - Look, if you have both of us, then you can certainly let the others go. 

MAX (to the others)

Okay, you can leave.  

PAULA (as a few people leave)

And tell them Lulu and I are going to be fine.   Something tells me I’m right about that. 

(craftily, using her appeal as a tool, though not entirely comfortable about doing it)

You two won’t make a liar out of me, will you?

MAX

Most certainly not, Miss -- ?

PAULA

Paula

MAX

You shall be our honored guest, Miss Paula.

 . 

SOLDIER ONE

(entering)

The locks to the gate are secured, sir.  And the flag of Mexico waves high above the entrance.

MAX

Good.

            (picks up telephone, dials Operator.) 

Hello, get me whoever is in charge of San Antonio. Yes, the police.  Good.  Hello, police?  We’re calling from inside the Alamo.  I am General Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos, and (Brief pause, as if listening) …I’m seeking the deed to The Alamo. 

PAULA

(shouting from the cell)

You can tell him we’re Ok and we’re being treated well.

LULU

(shouting, also from the cell)

Well, so far, anyway.

MAX

(to SALAZAR, with hand covering receiver of phone)  

He’s giving me 30 minutes to surrender.

SOLDIER ONE (entering)

We looked over the gate, General.  Police cars are starting to arrive. Also, it looks like some reporters are starting to gather by the gate.  And cameras.  

(MAX and SALAZAR step outside the gift shop to survey the situation.  LULU hears the word “reporters” and motions to UNGARO.)

LULU

Cameras!!!

I need to go, you know, squeeze a lemon.  

     (Not getting her thought across, she starts acting it out, like charades, only still talking). 

You know, visit Mrs. Murphy, powder my nose.

UNGARO

Oh, inspect the plumbing! That’s what my sister says.  You mean the latrine!  

(LULU points to her nose, “on the nose” charades move.

UNGARO and LULU exit.)

(Lights up on a police deputy and a volunteer just outside The Alamo)

VOLUNTEER

Yes, Officer, the loud one is Lulu.  She wouldn’t say she was fine if she wasn’t.  As long as these guys stay in the gift shop, you should be able to hear what’s going on over the walkie-talkie.  They didn’t see me leave it there when they were rushing everyone out.

POLICE DEPUTY

You sure you’re not a cop?  Good work.  Thank you.

            (The VOLUNTEER salutes and exits.)

(MAX heads over to where the soldiers are guarding PAULA)

            (MAX looks around and notices someone missing.)

MAX

Where’s Miss Lulu?

            (PAULA gives a quick glance to SALAZAR, as if she’s unsure how to answer)

SALAZAR

When she heard there were photographers, she insisted on what she called “pulling herself together.” Ungaro is watching her.

UNGARO (enters)

You won’t believe this – I present - Miss Lulu!

(LULU enters, looking like she’s ready for a night on the town)

LULU

Well, I wasn’t going to risk winding up on TV looking like I just spent the whole day at work.

PAULA

I love that dress, Lulu.

LULU
(no subtlety and broadly nudge-nudge like) 

It was sitting in the lost and found.  I’m guessing whoever took it off and then after who-knows-what walked out the gate without it will always REALLY remember the Alamo.  

      (She explains to the soldiers

The Alamo has its own version of the mile-high club -  if you get my drift. 

SALAZAR

I believe even the Davy Crockett mannequin gets your drift.

LULU

She never came back for it, it was just laying there, so I figured…

UNGARO

I helped with the accessories! 

LULU(to Paula)

Don’t ask.  I’ll tell you later.

ACT 1, SCENE 7 :  San Antonio Police Headquarters and later, simultaneously, the Texas Governor’s office.  

(Some officers are gathered around a desk listening to MAX and SALAZAR through the walkie-talkie.)

SYLVESTER (entering)

That walkie-talkie thing working?

OFFICER

You gotta hear this, Chief.

MAX 

(heard over walkie-talkie)

There’s not going to be any attack, Salazar.

SALAZAR 

(heard over walkie-talkie)

I hope you’re right. We thought we were going right home after the parade. We have no supplies. We have no ammunition.  

MAX 

(heard over walkie-talkie)

But they don’t know that.

SYLVESTER

Is this a joke?  No ammunition?  Am I on that TV prank show?

OFFICER

No ammo.  That’s what they’re saying, Chief.

SYLVESTER

 (yells at the walkie-talkie). They obviously know we’re listening to them.  This thing’s of no use.  (tosses it in the trash)

     

OFFICER

Chief, The Governor’s on line 1.

            (SYLVESTER picks up phone, listens for a moment.)

SYLVESTER

Yes, Governor.  I gave him thirty minutes to get out, and it’s almost two hours.

  

GOVERNOR

Seems he was here for that Washington Birthday parade in Laredo the other day.  He is who says he is - a Mexican general, and his army is a real Mexican army. 

(An officer hands Sylvester a note.)

SYLVESTER

We just got word from the Feds.  A negotiating team is on the way from Houston, should be in San Antonio within the hour.

GOVERNOR

OK, here’s the plan, Sylvester. The election’s in November, and I’ve got a primary to get through first.  If the press finds out we went in there, guns blazing, when we had reports they had no ammo, I’m gonna lose my big donors.  We don’t want to make that happen, do we Sylvester?

SYLVESTER

No sir, of course not!

GOVERNOR

Good.  So you’re gonna find a way to get them out - peacefully.  And none of your men are gonna take the first shot.

SYLVESTER

But . . . 

GOVERNOR

That’s a direct order, Sylvester.

            (Governor hangs up the phone.)

SYLVESTER

            (to one of his officers)

The Governor never lets me do it my way.

OFFICER

What way would that be, Chief?

                        SONG: YOU GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN    

SYLVESTER

SHOOT!!! (cursing – then someone raises their gun)
NO, I MEAN DON’T SHOOT!!!

I MEAN “DANG!”

I MEAN “NO BANG-BANG-BANGING OUR WAY OUT OF THIS.”

I MEAN “HANG IT ALL!

THE GOLL DURN GALL!  I MEAN…

YA GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN

TO MAINTAIN LAW AND ORDER

DEFEND OUR SOUTHERN BORDER                                                              

FROM ANY ALI-UN.

IF YA MAKE ‘IM GIVE AWAY HIS GUN

AND RAISE AND WAVE HIS HANKY

LIKE A PRISSY, SISSY YANKEE

IT’S UN-AMERICUN!

GOD BLESS OUR CONSTITUTION

AND THE SACRED SECOND ADD-IN-MENT

AND ALL THAT OUR FOUNDERING MEN MEANT

WHEN THEY WROTE IT!
GOD BLESS THE NRA!    THE KKK!  AND WHATEVER THEY SAY!

I CAN’T REMEMBER NOW OR I WOULD QUOTE IT!

EXCEPT - YA GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN.

IT MAKES A MAN FEEL MANLY,

MAKES ANY BRUCE OR STANLEY

EXTREMELY MASCULUN.

YES, YA GOTTA GIVE…

GOTTA GIVE A GUY…

GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!

RANGER #1

WITH A GUN YA GOT THE WORLD TO RULE

YOU’RE KING OF ALL THE SPECIES

FROM WHALES TO PARAMEECES             (SYLVESTER:  Whut?!)

THEM WATER BUGS AT SCHOOL

RANGER #2

WHEN YA SEPARATE A GUY FROM GUNS

THEN HE’S VULN’RABLE TO SHOOTIN’

LIKE HE’S NEKKID IN HIS UNION SUIT ‘N’

EXPOSIN’ BOTH HIS BUNS!

RANGERS

GOD BLESS OL’ SAMUEL COLT

AND MISTER REMINGTON AND WINCHESTER!

SYLVESTER

BECAUSE OF THEM WE WON THE WESTERN STATES FROM FOR’NERS!

RANGERS (variously)

GOD BLESS THE GREAT JOHN BIRCH,

THE BAPTIST CHURCH,

THE MCCARTHY SEARCH

FER KEEPIN’ US ALL PURE FROM HEATHEN BORN-ERS.

 SYLVESTER

THAT’S WHY…

WHEN YA ARGUE WITH SOME LAME BRAINED NUT,

YOU’LL FIND THAT YOUR REVOLVER

IS THE PERFECT PROBLEM SOLVER

TO HELP ‘IM SEE WHUT’S WHUT!

SYLVESTER & RANGERS

YES, YA GOTTA GIVE…

GOTTA GIVE A GUY…

GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!

LADY RANGER

WHEN YA GO AND GIVE A GUY A GUN

WATCH SOME DUMPY, FRUMPY, SHORTY!

BECOME DASHIN’! SMASHIN’! SPORTY!

A HOT PHEE-NOM-UH-NUN!

RANGER #3

WITH A GUN A GUY CAN BE ON GUARD

BE READY FOR THEM BRUSH-INS

WHEN VIET CONG AND RUSSIANS

COME SNEAKIN’ IN YER YARD.

  

SYLVESTER 

GOD BLESS OUR GREAT REPUBLIC….

RANGERS

OH THE GREAT REPUBLIC OF TEXAS!

SYLVESTER

LORD, WHY DID WE LET ‘EM ANNEX US

TO THAT UNION?!?!

ALL

GOD BLESS THE ALAMO!

IT JUST CAIN’T GO

BACK TO MEXICO

RANGERS (variously)

AND SOME AZTEC… 

BEANER,…

SPANIARD…

OR CANCUNYUN!

SYLVESTER

DEAR JESUS!

SYLVESTER & RANGERS

YA GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!

DON’T WANT NO ONE TO TRIFLE

WITH HIS PISTOL OR HIS RIFLE

‘CUZ WHEN ALL IS SAID ‘N’ DONE

THIS GUNNIN’ IS JUST FUN!

YES, YA GOTTA GIVE…

GOTTA GIVE A GUY…

GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN!

BANG!!!

ACT 1, SCENE 8:    In and around the holding cell at the Alamo 

 Paula and Salazar are together by the Alamo display holding cell.  Lulu is listening in, but very unsuccessfully pretending not to be eavesdropping.

SALAZAR

So tell me, what is an attractive young lady such as you doing selling gifts in a gift shop?

PAULA

Excuse me, we’re here in a cell.  Aren’t you choosing an odd time to practice a pick-up line?

LULU

You know what all those Commies want!

SALAZAR

Equality among all people no matter what their skills or what they can do?   No, that is not me, really.  I don’t think I am, what you call, a Commie.

LULU 

(shrugs, suddenly not all that sure of what a Commie is after all)

Er, well, besides that.

SALAZAR (focus totally on Paula)

I’ve been wondering something.  Why would such a woman, with so much to look forward to, just volunteer to be at risk?  

PAULA

He let ten more  people go because I stayed. That was a very good bargain. Hey, Lieutenant -

SALAZAR

Please.  Won’t you call me Manuel?

PAULA (nods)

You don’t seem to be into this whole takeover thing like your General is.

SALAZAR

You spoke before about doing your job.  It’s my job to do as the General says. But still try to keep him from getting harmed while I do that.  

(MAX is walking by, and very noticeably stop when he realizes realizes they’re talking about him. 

MAX joins Lulu in listening.)

PAULA

So let me understand this. The General brought you men from Mexico, you all marched in a parade, then he put all of you in harm’s way – for the love of a woman?

(Max and Lulu look at each other, Max indicating that yes, that sounds right.)

SALAZAR

Well, it’s not that simple…well actually I think it is that simple, but I’m sure there are other reasons for his actions. Besides, love makes normal smart people act a little bit strange..

PAULA

Strange, no! I’d say love is more like 

A little bit – I don’t know, maybe a little loco?

SALAZAR

Loco!  Maybe, that could be a bad way of describing a romantic.  

(MAX makes his presence known, maybe clearing his throat, that he is listening to whatever they say) 

Hello, General. 

LULU 

                          

                              (to Max, really cutting through the BS, going to the source, getting right to the point)

What do you think you are?  Loco or  romantic?

PAULA (laughing)

Have you two been listening  the whole time! 

LULU

As I think Alice Ghostley, or maybe it was Gracie Allen, said:  You two knew you were talking out loud, didn’t you?  

                        SONG:  WHAT A WOMAN WANTS

MAX

Many think love makes no sense, and it probably doesn’t,.  It’s in literature through the ages, and it’s in stories that you follow feelings between a man and a woman over generations, and  there does seem to be a common thread.

TOO MANY MEN

ARE SURE THAT THEY KNOW 

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT.

BUT THEIR BLIND IMPRUDENCE 

MAKES THEM STUPID STUDENTS!     

THEY’RE DOOMED TO COMMIT SO MANY WRONGS.

WHICH OF COURSE IS THE SOURCE OF SO MANY SAD SONGS.

PAULA

AND THE WRITERS KNEW WHAT MAKES A WOMAN TICK?

MAX

SEÑORITA, IF YOU READ THE CLASSICS, THERE’S NO TRICK.

A WOMAN WANTS A MIRROR

IN HER LOVER’S EYES 

WHERE SHE SEES 

BEAUTY… PASSION…

A SOUPÇON OF SURPRISE.

A SHUDDER OF ANTICIPATION

IN UTTER APPRECIATION

AWAITING HER RESPONSE

THAT’S WHAT A WOMAN WANTS.

A WOMAN WANTS SOME MUSIC

IN HER LOVER’S VOICE

WHERE SHE HEARS

SIREN… SINGING…

LEAVING HER NO CHOICE.

A MELODY OF INVITATION

TEMPTATION AND TITILLATION.

IT LINGERS AND IT HAUNTS

THAT’S WHAT A WOMAN WANTS.

GIVE HER A PEDESTAL TO RAISE HER.

AND GIVE HER YOUR MUSCLE AND YOUR MIGHT.

GIVE HER YOUR FULL SUPPORT AND PRAISE HER

SHE’LL BREAK THROUGH HER FEARS AND MAKE HER DREAMS TAKE FLIGHT.

A WOMAN WANTS A PROMISE 

IN HER LOVER’S HEART

WHERE SHE READS 

COMFORT…  SAFETY…

HER LIFELONG COUNTERPART

 A RESERVOIR OF STIMULATION

PERPETUAL INNOVATION

A DAILY RENAISSANCE

THAT’S WHAT A WOMAN WANTS.

UNGARO (entering)

General, Lieutenant, there’s a call on the hospitality line in the mess hall.  It sounds like a news station. 

                   (SALAZAR and MAX exit.)

LULU

You mean you really don’t see anything in that Manuel fellow?  He seems to think pretty clearly, and he’s clearly thinking about you.

PAULA

Who?  Manuel?  The Lieutenant?  With the pick-up lines from the movies on the Late Show?  He’s just looking for something to – like you said about that gal with the dress, someone to “remember the Alamo” by –   

(LULU laughs)    And I’m not interested in being that someone. 

LULU (shrugs)

Well, I didn’t catch that about the Lieutenant.  How about the General, I never thought a Commie could be that romantic. and there's never anything better than getting someone hooked while they're on the rebound. Then ya got him for life.  Or as long as ya want him.
                  (Paula is just not sure.  Music starts.)
 But maybe you’ve been on the dating scene longer than I ever was before I found Charlie.  Really, Paula, honey, who are you waiting for?

                            SONG:  IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET

PAULA

I DON’T WANT A SUAVE AND NARCISSISTIC LATIN LOVER,

OR AN OIL TYCOON FROM DALLAS AT MY DOOR,

OR A TANNED AND GREASY MUSCLED UP ADONIS.

I WANT SOMETHING LESS BUT SOMEHOW SOMETHING MORE.

I DON’T WANT A POTHEAD FLOWER CHILD WHO FOUNDS A COMMUNE,

OR A GLORY GUY WITH GUNS, GUNG-HO FOR WAR,

OR A BEER-GUT GUY WHO SNORES OFF WATCHING FOOTBALL,

THEY ARE NOT AT ALL WHAT I’D BE FALLING FOR.

IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,

BUT OH, I KNOW HE’S OUT THERE STILL.

AND HE’S SMART, AND HE’S KIND,

WITH THE WHOLE WORLD ON HIS MIND,

AND HE’S FINDING US A WAY TO MAKE IT BETTER.

IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,

BUT HEY, SOMEDAY I KNOW I WILL.

                   (THE TRIO OF SOLDIERS hum under the next lyrics)

HE’LL BE LEADING A CROWD

SPREADING WISDOM CLEAR AND LOUD.

I’D BE PROUD TO BE STANDING BY HIS SIDE!

THE TRIO

RIGHT BY HIS SIDE!

PAULA

MAYBE HE’LL BE AT THE STUDENT UNION AT THE COLLEGE,

OR HE’S STANDING ON THE STEPS AT CITY HALL,

OR HE’S HANDING PAMPHLETS OUT AT SOME FIESTA,

OR HE’S SHAKING HANDS WITH SHOPPERS AT THE MALL.

IT COULD BE A MORNING WHEN I’M JOGGING BY THE RIVER

THE TRIO 

(faux panting)

HUFF! HUFF! HUFF!

PAULA

OR AN EVENING WHEN I’M ORD’RING CHINESE RIBS

THE TRIO

YUM!

PAULA

MAYBE AFTER WORK, OH HELL, WHENEVER IT MIGHT BE

I’LL RUN UP TO HIM AND GRAB HIM AND SHOUT – “DIBS!”      

THE TRIO

(variously)

 (2.) DIBS! (3.) DIBS! (1.) DIBS!

PAULA & THE TRIO

IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,

PAULA

AND SO I GO ON DAY TO DAY.

TRIO SINGER #1

DAY TO DAY…

                   (THE TRIO  ahhh under the next lyrics)

PAULA

DO SOME WORK, VOLUNTEER,

DEMONSTRATE THEN SHARE A BEER,

THE TRIO 

BEER!!!

                   (THE TRIO resume ahhing)

PAULA

BUT ONE THING IS REALLY CLEAR:

THE MAN’S A SLOWPOKE! 

PAULA & THE TRIO

NO JOKE!

IT’S JUST I HAVEN’T MET THE MAN YET,

PAULA

AND THOUGH THERE’S NO KNOWN E.T.A.,

TRIO SINGER #1

NO E.T.A.

                   (THE TRIO ahhh under the next lyrics)

PAULA

IN MY DREAMS I CAN SEE

HOW COMPATIBLE WE’LL BE

AS HE JOINS UP WITH ME TO BE A “WE.”

THE TRIO

(3.) WE! (1.) WE! (2.) WE! (ALL THREE) WE!!!

IT’S JUST SHE HASN’T MET THE MAN YET

PAULA

AND HE JUST HASN’T MET ME.

TRIO SINGER #1

HAVEN’T MET THE MAN.

TRIO SINGER #2

HAVEN’T MET THE MAN.

TRIO SINGER #3

WHERE THE HELL’S THE MAN?!

THE TRIO

ANDALE!    HURRY UP!   DIBS!

                  (LULU moves to PAULA and gives her a big hug)

            

ACT 1 SCENE 9.  The Alamo courtyard.

                   (MAX is alone obsessing about what PAULA had said.)

MAX

Out of my mind! Loco! To do all this for a woman who doesn’t want me.  That’s what she said, Carmela. 

VOICE OF CARMELA (in Max’s head)

MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEXICO

MEN LIKE YOU ARE WHY WE LOST THE ALAMO

            SONG:  MORE    

MAX

MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS ALWAYS READING BOOKS

AS I’D TAKE OCCAS’NAL LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW

WHAT I KNEW OF LIFE IS NOTHING THAT I’VE LIVED.

ONLY SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE LIVED BEFORE ME.

ALWAYS THE OBSERVER, NEVER ONCE THE ACTOR,

NEVER ONCE A FACTOR IN THE OUTCOME.

AND NOW I MUST BE DIFF’RENT… A LEADER, HERO, WINNER…

IT’S NO TIME TO LET AN INNER BOUT OF DOUBT COME.

MORE. MORE. LET ME BE MORE.

MORE THAN I THOUGHT THAT I COULD BE

A MAN OF ACTION, DEED AND WORD

RESPECTED, FOLLOWED, HEARD.

I NEED TO BE SO MUCH MORE

MORE, MORE, I SHOULD BE MORE,

MORE TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME

SOMEONE WORTHY OF THEIR TRUST

STEADY, STRONG AND JUST

SOMEHOW I WILL BE MUCH MORE

I KNOW HOW BAD THE ODDS 

ARE IN THIS ENDEAVOR

THE PROVERBIAL GODS 

ARE NOT ON MY TEAM

BUT WHEN IT’S SAID AND DONE 

FOR NOW AND FOREVER

I WILL HAVE WON, 

OR I WILL HAVE FAILED, 

BUT I DID LIVE THE DREAM.

MORE. MORE. I WILL BE MORE.

MORE TO THIS WORLD THAT I LIVE IN.   

CARMELA, ALL I STRIVE TO DO

CAN’T BE JUST FOR ME AND YOU,

LET ME SAY IT ONCE AGAIN

NOW FOR MY COUNTRY AND MY MEN

I WILL BE MORE!

I WILL BE MORE!

I WILL BE MORE!

(Lights are by now also fully up on  CARMELA at home with her sister LOUISA back in Saltillo in Mexico.)

RADIO ANNOUNCER  (still heard over the radio)

That was the Mexican ambassador confirming:  He was given no orders, and this is not an approved military action. The Governor has assured the ambassador that the state of Texas will do everything in its power to ensure a peaceful resolution.

CARMELA  (to her sister)

What could he be thinking? This does not sound like Max either.  

SISTER (LOUISA)

Our family may have dodged a bullet.  It’s good that we are not associated with him. 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

Sources report that this behavior is very out of character for the general. 

CARMELA

Something must have happened to push him into such drastic behavior …I wonder what that could have been.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

Specialists speculate that there must have been some kind of trauma that caused the general to go rogue. Our team believes that the catalyst could be the recent dissolution of his engagement to Carmela Contreras, the daughter of war hero General Lorenzo Contreras, and sister of renowned actress and chart-topping recording artist Louisa Contreras.

LOUISA (impressed)

This is a very informative news program.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

This is Emiliano Mendez reporting for La Gente, the most informative news program in Mexico.

CARMELA

(turns off radio) 

I must clear our family name. I’m going to the Alamo!  

LOUISA

I’ll drive you.  I don’t want to miss this.  I mean, you may need back-up.

(Carmela starts packing as Max starts the end of the song.)

MAX

MORE. MORE. I WILL BE MORE.

MORE TO THIS WORLD THAT WE LIVE IN.

CARMELA, ALL I STRIVE TO DO

THAT STARTED JUST FOR ME AND YOU,

LET ME SAY IT ONCE AGAIN

FOR YOU, OUR COUNTRY AND MY MEN

I WILL BE MORE!! I WILL BE MORE!! I WILL BE MORE!!

ACT 1, SCENE 10: THE ALAMO, JUST INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE ALAMO GATE

         

         

(Light first outside the Alamo entrance; Sylvester and his men are assembling.)

POLICE OFFICER

Chief Sylvester, the news desk from the Trib was tipped off that the Mexicans have no ammunition.  They want an update.

SYLVESTER

Governor’s office must be leaking again.  Just tell them we’re going in and will try to resolve this quickly - and peacefully.

DEPUTY

Team One, you’ll be first in on the ladders.  Someone’ll be on the ground to catch you if you need to jump off. 

SYLVESTER (to his men)

As soon as you have them all rounded up, we’ll cart the whole lot out of there and escort them into Downtown Holding.   (a bit crazy and edgy) Peacefully, of course! 

(inside the Alamo)

  

SALAZAR

General, please tell me you have a plan that I can give the men.

MAX

Truly Salazar, I didn’t believe it would come to this.  

SALAZAR

What were you expecting? 

SOLDIER ONE

(interrupting before Max can answer)

General, they’re climbing up ladders!  They’re coming over the wall!

SALAZAR

We have to do something!  Anything!

MAX (thinking quickly)

Everybody!  To the Gift Shop!

LULU (shouting after them)

Oh, no, not my Gift Shop!   You break it, you pay for it!

(A phone starts ringing)  

Who would call at a time like this?

(She shouts into phone, not sounding remotely hospitable) 

Alamo hospitality, Lulu here.

RADIO REPORTER 

(in a light at side of stage)

I got someone inside!  This is Joe Hill, KTSA, Talk San Antonio.  Can I put you on the air?

LULU

Sure.  Why not? 

(suddenly like she’s a pro at this)

Hello, San Antonio!

RADIO REPORTER

We’re on the air with Lulu, from Alamo Hospitality, who is actually inside the Alamo.  You’re on the air. Can you tell us what’s going on?

BATTLE BETWEEN SYLVESTER’S MEN & MAX’S MEN

Depending on the resources of the production:  this can be a choreographed scene, as Max’s men improvise by grabbing anything they can find in the Gift Shop.  

  

LULU  

(like she’s reporting, as soldiers are all moving around her)

Well, Garcia’s got some of the nickel postcards, you know you can get a package of six for 25 cents in the shop or by mail order, and he’s throwing them like Frisbees.  

(pause)  

Ooh, Ungaro got a six dollar 95 cents coonskin cap and put it over that guy’s eyes, then sent him back outside the wall. That’s an exclusive cap, only from us, but we do Cash On Delivery! 

(pause)  Hey, be careful, if it gets ripped, I’ll have to discount it at the bargain table.

(pause)  

Oh gee, Salazar broke up an absolutely stunning set of rare Alamo statues; you know, they only made 200 and they make a perfect gift for any occasion. 

And now he’s handed one to someone coming over the gate, and he nudged the guy back over the wall. 

(shouts) 

Is that statue gone or can we get it back?  

I wonder if we can get a premium on it for being in an actual confrontation.

RADIO REPORTER

Wow!  Make sure you stay safe, Lulu!  I can catch up with you later if there’s any danger.

LULU

Ooh, ooh, good!  Now they’re just using the family stuff - rubber bayonets, toy Bowie knives, plastic ashtrays!  All pretty indestructible stuff, that even a three year old can’t break. 

(The hubbub stops.)    

OK, now, it’s gotten quiet. I’m gonna hang up and ring up the inventory damage.

(By the end, miraculously, all of Sylvester’s men have been fended off.)  

MAX

Is everyone still here?

SYLVESTER (in a state of disbelief) 

I’m gonna get them sons of bitches!

            

                                                                                    

ACT 2, SCENE 1:  Max’s Dream in the White House Oval Office / Alamo Gift Shop - early next morning

-  

As act 2 begins, the lights come up on a huge bed in the Oval Office.  Lady Bird Johnson, in a nightgown and curlers, sits on the side of the bed, looking at the phone as it rings. Max is sleeping. This is his dream.  

                        SONG:  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING?

LADY BIRD

(in counterpoint to snoring by President L.B.J.) 

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING

AND YOU GET THAT TELEPHONE CALL?

AS THE FIRST LADY RES’DENT

WITH THE U-S-A PRES’DENT

LORD, WHAT ‘S THE CORRECT PROTOCOL?

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING

IF THE CALL TURNS OUT NOTHING AT ALL?

HE WON’T LIKE THE DISTURBIN’

SINCE HE HAD ALL THAT BOURBON

WITH THE MAHARAJAH OF BENGAL

THROUGHOUT THE ELECTION I FEARED THIS

THAT I WOULDN’T BE UP TO THE TASK

THE COUNTRY’S PROTECTION? HOW WEIRD THIS?

ARMED WITH MY CURLERS AND FACIAL MASK.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING

AND YOU GET THE TELEPHONE CALL?

IT’S SO HARD TO IGNORE FOR

IT COULD BE SOME BIG WAR, OR

SOME SENATOR CAUGHT IN A STALL.

OOH, OOH, OOH.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Oh, oh yes, the girls will know! Luci! Lynda!

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING

AND YOU…

LUCI & LYNDA

            (as they pop up from under the covers of the bed)

AND YOU WAKE US UP FROM OUR DREAM

WE WERE THERE ON THE MOON WITH…

LUCI

RICKY NELSON…

LYNDA

PAT BOONE…

LUCI & LYNDA

AND WE SWOONED AS THEY CROONED OUT SOME THEME.

LADY BIRD, LUCI & LYNDA

SOOOO

WHAT DO WE DO WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING?

LUCI & LYNDA

MAMA, WE GOTTA GET THIS THING RIGHT

DADDY WON’T BE REAL HAPPY.

HE’LL BE ONE SNAPPY PAPPY

THAT’S UNLESS WE PREPARE HIM TO FIGHT.

LADY BIRD

            (to LUCI)

YOU DO THE NECK AND THE EARS, DEAR.

            (to LYNDA)

YOU TAKE THE ANKLES AND FEET.

I’LL TAKE THE PARTS HE REVERES, DEAR.

LADY BIRD, LUCI & LYNDA

ALL IN ALL HE’S GONNA FEEL REAL SWEET.

L.B.J.

            (waking up)

HEY! WHAT IS THIS, GIRLS, IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING

AND WHAT YOU ARE DOING FEELS… FINE.

YOUR TENDER MASSAGES

WILL SOOTHE THE BARRAGES

I’LL GET FROM THE CONGRESS AT NINE.

OOH, OOH, OOH.

DO WHAT YOU DO.

            

            (The phone rings again and LBJ answers it.)

Hello, Governor, -- What?!?! 

            (As he hangs up the phone)

Oh, buffalo chips!

…

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE TELEPHONE BELL RINGS

AND YOU LEARN THE ALAMO FELL

EVEN THOUGH IT DOES VEX US

IT DOESN’T PERPLEX US

CAUSE TEXAS IS GOING TO HELL.

NOW…

WHO DO YOU CALL WHEN IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING

TO BOUNCE SOME IDEAS, PICK THEIR BRAIN?

SOMEONE STRONG, HONEST, JUST, WHO 

ALL THE COUNTRY WILL TRUST WHO…

OH, I KNOW, I’LL CALL UP JOHN WAYNE!

LADY BIRD

Operator, get me HE-MAN 555-3030

L.B.J.

HEY, DUKE! L-B-J HERE, OL’ COWBOY!

I AM JUST HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS

THE ALAMO FELL. TELL ME NOW, BOY,

HOW YOU’D HELP ME OUT WITH ALL THEM ”GREEN BERETS.”

JOHN WAYNE

            (springing out of the bed)

WHAT I WOULD DO SINCE IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING

AND I’M SLEEPY AND CRANKY AND ALL

WELL, I’D JUST GO NAPALM ‘EM

THEN I’D GO AND EMBALM ‘EM

TO DISPLAY ON THE NATIONAL MALL.

(The lights slowly begin to come up on sleeping MAX in the chair as he squirms and 

mumbles at this thought.

LADY BIRD, L.B.J., LUCI, LYNDA, JOHN WAYNE

THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO!

THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO!

THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO! WE’LL SNEAK UP WITHOUT WARNING

AND BOMB ‘EM TO BITS TILL THEY FALL.

THREE REPORTERS

(They pop out of the bed. One has a TV camera, another a radio microphone, the last

a pencil and tablet)

LET US PRESS AND T.V. MEN

TELL THE WORLD WHAT OUR FREE MEN

CAN DO WHEN THE TERRORISTS CALL.

EVERYONE (as sirens blare)

OOH, OOH, OOH – THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO       

(As Lulu finishes the number, the set morphs back into the Alamo grounds. Lighting change to indicate back to reality.  Max is sleeping in his chair, tossing and very agitated from his dream.  Lulu enters and shakes Max to awaken him.)

LULU

COME ON GET UP, YOU COMMIE!

IT’S ME! NOT YOUR MOMMY

HEAR THAT RUCKUS OUTSIDE OF THE WALL?!

MAX      (jumps up with a start.) 

You mean they’ve already started bombing us?!

LULU

Bombing us?  What are you talking about?!  

PAULA

 We wanted to check in and see how you were doing after what happened.  The pollce chief is known to be hotheaded , so you can  expect him to  escalate this..

UNGARO

Lulu, maybe we can go count the food inventory

LULU

But we just counted the supplies an hour ago.  And this (motions to Max and Paula) feels like it has potential to be interesting.

UNGARO

(indicating he thinks maybe Max and Paula may want privacy)

It was so much fun that maybe we should go do it again.

LULU

(no subtlety)  Ohh….   Ohhh… I think we’re going to go count the food inventory again.  

Men – they can be so pushy.

                                    (Ungaro and Lulu exit.)

MAX

I appreciate your concern.  

PAULA

Lucky no one was hurt, wasn’t it?.

So what happens next?

MAX

I’m considering the options.

PAULA

Can you really see a way out of all this you’ve created?  

MAX

Wht I created?? No, it wasn’t me.  I’m not the one who ordered the attack.

PAULA

There wouldn’t have been any attack if you hadn’t …  Max - how is this going to end?  Can you see things the way they really are and be honest that there’s no way of winning this?

                  SONG: HONESTLY

MAX

Listen to me, Señorita honest one, listen to me!

THIS HONESTY

WE BOTH AGREE

SEEMS A VERY PRACTICAL THING

IT GIVES US RULES, IT DRAWS A MAP

IT PLAYS A TUNE AND WE ALL TAP

A VERY PRACTICAL THING

IT TELLS YOU “DON’T… DON’T… DON’T…”

BUT HONESTY

I ALSO SEE

IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING

IT GETS US STUCK IN THE STATUS QUO

WE JUST CAN’T BUCK WHAT’S ALWAYS SO 

AND THEN WE PACE IN THE SAME OLD RUTS

THE HUMAN RACE ALL GOING NUTS

WHAT MIRACLES CAN IT BRING?

WHEN A VOICE INSIDE YOU IS SINGING

“NO, YOU CAN’T… CAN’T… CAN’T…”

AH, BUT TO SELF-DECEIVE

TO BELIEVE WHAT’S NOT YET REAL,

TO TRUST IN YOUR HEART AND FEEL

WHAT COULD BE TRUE.

WHAT COULD BE BETTER.

WHAT’S HONESTY?!

A SLIPPERY

AND A CONTRADICTORY THING

A POPE SAYS THIS, A KING SAYS THAT

“THE WORLD IS ROUND!  “I SAY IT’S FLAT!     

ONE PERSON’S WRONG IS ANOTHER’S RIGHT

“IT’S FALSE!” “IT’S TRUE!” IT’S POO!” “LET’S FIGHT!

BUT ONE DAY AN IDEA BREAKS THROUGH

SOMETHING ELEGANT AND BRAND NEW

THAT ASKS, “WHAT  IF… IF… IF…?!”

AH, TO INDULGE IN FOLLY,

THAT APPALLING MAD PURSUIT

TO GIVE AN OLD TRUTH THE BOOT 

AND LETS A SMALL DREAM 

BURST FORTH WITH FRUIT

BORN OF GENIUS?…  OR LUNACY?…  AUDACITY?…  (BRAVERY?…)

BUT IT WON’T LIKELY BE…

HONESTY.

Lulu and a few of the soldiers enter, all excited.)

LULU

That guy I talked to on the radio last night called..  They’re gonna have a local singing group on this half hour. 

UNGARO (turns on the radio)

And they recorded a song – about the two of you.

Lights up on the radio station while we still see the Alamo dining area

RADIO ANNOUNCER

We welcome back our listeners from stations all over North America who are taking our news feed.   Some of our local talent took this opportunistic opportunity and wrote this little salute to our own Ladies of the Alamo – Miss Lulu and Miss Paula. 

RADIO SINGER

Yes, they stared death in the face and spat right in its eye.          (really hits the p in “spat”)

 RADIO ANNOUNCER

There’s a graphic thought as our listeners enjoy their breakfast..  And listeners will be able to buy the song when?

RADIO SINGER #2

They’re doing an emergency pressing right now.  

RADIO ANNOUNCER

I never heard of an emergency record pressing.

RADIO SINGER #3

We’ve got to let the ladies and the world and the charts know we ‘ppreciate them.

(A cue for music to begin.)

 (The soldiers inside  the Alamo are listening and even pampering Paula and Lulu a bit, which is the direct opposite of the hell the song imagines the ladies are experiencing.

RADIO SINGERS (variously)

THERE’S A SITUATION DOWN IN SAN ANTONIO

A HISTORIC USURPATION OF THE ALAMO 

AND THE LATEST LOCAL NEWS REPORT

SAYS OUR SHERIFF CHOKED AND LOST THE FORT

SO WE GOT FER NOW IT SEEMS A DEARTH OF HEROES

BUT FEAR NOT, IT ALSO SEEMS WE GOT TWO “SHE-ROES”

(general approval for the fun word, both in the studio and in the Alamo)

AND WHILE BOTH OF ‘EM ARE SITTIN’ THERE ALL LOCKED IN

THERE’S SECRET PLANS AND INTRIGUES THEY’RE CONCOCTIN’.

(really hitting that rhyme)

 – 

(maybe comments like “that’s a good one” “Country gold if y’ask me”)

THE RADIO SINGERS

THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT, 

YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.

TWO WOMEN PENNED IN THERE LIKE CATTLE

BUT PREPARIN’ FER A BATTLE

WITH NO GUNS, NO HORSE, NO SADDLE 

OR SUPPORT.

THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.

THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT, 

YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.

THOSE TWO COURAGEOUS TEXAS DAUGHTERS

HELD BY MEXICAN MARAUDERS

BUNCHA DRUG LORDS, THIEVES, AND SQUATTERS 

AND THEIR SORT.

THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.

THROUGH ALL THEIR HUNGER, TORTURE, SUFFERIN’

YOU KNOW THERE’S NO ONE TOUGHER ’N’

THEM TWO.  IT’S TRUE.
ONE MAY LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR GRANNY  

(Lulu doesn’t like that.  Others console her.)

ONE A PURTY POLLYANNY

DON’T BE FOOLED!  THERE AIN’T ONE MAN E-

QUIPPED TO DO THE WILY WIM-MEN STUFF THEY’LL DO -

(Now Paula isn’t so sure she likes the “wily women” description)

WHOO HOO!

THEY’RE HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT, 

YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT.

THEY’RE IN THERE SMILIN’, COGITATIN’

WHILE BEGUILIN’ ‘EM AND WAITIN’

FER THE TIME FER DECIMATIN’ AND FER THWARTIN’!

LET’S DON’T SELL THESE LADIES SHORT

            (All onstage, maybe even outside the Alamo depending on cast size, join in.)

‘CAUSE THEY’RE HOLDIN’, HOLDIN’ DOWN, 

YES, HOLDIN’ DOWN, 

HOLDIN’ DOWN THE FORT, YA’LL!

THEY’RE HOLDIN’ 

THE FORT!

MAX

That’s the word the media is spreading about what’s going on in here?  That’s just not right.

PAULA

You're right..  It's just not honest.

LULU

We’ve got to set them straight!  

(to Ungaro, who’s adjusting her collar)  

Oh, sorry, honey – I just means let them know what’s really going on.

SOLDIER (enters, interrupting them)

General!  The crowds are bigger. More reporters!

MAX (has an idea)

More reporters?  Why not use the media to correct the media?

                 (writes a note, folds the paper, hands the note to Salazar.)

Have one of the men climb to the top of the wall and shout out to any reporters to come closer, then give them the note.   Sylvester will not harm him with the reporters right there, cameras ready.

SALAZAR 

 I’ll deliver it to them myself. 

MAX (pauses for a moment)

 (to Paula and Lulu)  Let’s pray this works.

(Paula and Max exit.  Lulu and Ungaro are now alone onstage.)

LULU

Reporters are coming inside!  Do I have time to iron what I’m wearing?

UNGARO (adjusts Lulu’s outfit)

Don’t worry.  You're going to look just wonderful on the radio, Miss Lulu!

(maybe in front of the “Curtain”)

THE RADIO SINGERS

(a little encore as they head off , while the stage readies for the next scene

A HISTORIC CONFLAGRATION 

ALTERCATION, CONFRONTATION, 

DESECRATION, DEVASTATION, 

FOMENTATION, PROVOCATION, 

USURPATION, VIOLATION

AS THE NATION FEELS ELATION …

ACT 2, SCENE 2:     The Gift Shop a few minutes later, then outside the Alamo Gate

- 

The reporters are setting up their recording equipment, cameras, and microphones.

(Max sits in front of the microphones and the live air interview begins.  Outside the Alamo, the police & reporters are listening in to the radio broadcast.)

(Reporters in room = Jane, Brandon, Ben. Also in room: Ungaro) 

REPORTER #1 (female reporter)

We’re here inside The Alamo with General Maximilian Rodriquez de Santos from Mexico.  Mind if I call you General Max?

MAX

I hope you will. 

REPORTER #1

You’ve got quite a fight on your hands out there. 

                        SONG:  THESE ARE THE GIFTS

            

MAX

I IMAGINE YOU’RE ALL WONDERING WHAT WE’RE DOING?  (No shit!)

AND I’M GRATEFUL YOU WOULD MEET WITH ME IN HERE. (Was there a choice?)

THERE ARE THOSE I KNOW WHO’D HAVE YOU MISCONSTRUING

OUR MISSION, OUR PURPOSE, I’LL BE HONEST, I’LL BE CLEAR.…  (That’d be a first!)

SO BE COMF’TABLE, AT EASE

IT’S A FRIENDLY ATMOSPHERE

WHAT CAN I DO TO PLEASE YOU…

REPORTER

YOU COULD OFFER US A BEER.  

MAX (trying to improvise)

I’m sorry I have no beer, (pause, looks around)  but it seems we have plenty of chocolates, Here, take one. 

                  

(Max takes a chocolate bar from the gift shop chocolate bin, and then takes some money out of his pocket to pay for it and lays it on the pile, and then hands the chocolate bar to the reporter.)

HAVE YOU EVER PONDERED CHOC’LATE? (No.)

IT’S A GIFT THE AZTECS GAVE TO YOU. (What?)      

IT’S TRUE.

HAVE YOU EVER PONDERED CHILES?

WITHOUT THEM TEXAS CHILI’S JUST A BROWN, BLAND STEW

AND CORN?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IT WAS BORN

IN YUCATAN

AND FEEDS THE WORLD TODAY

OH MAN,

ISN’T THAT A WONDER?

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT.

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW.

JUST TAKE A MOMENT NOW AND THEN SO YOU REMEMBER

AND THANK THOSE PEOPLE FROM SO LONG AGO.

REPORTER # 1 (knowing this is good radio)

Keep going!!!

MAX

DO YOU THINK OF ALL THOSE WORKERS   (What?)

ALL THE PEASANT ONES, THE… YOU KNOW WHO (You mean aliens?)

THAT’S TRUE.

IN THE FIELDS, ON ROADS, ON ROOFTOPS

AS THEY DO ALL THE WORK THAT YOU WOULD NEVER DO?

THEY’RE THERE

EV’RYWHERE THEY CLIMB THE STAIR

WAY FROM POVERTY

THEY FEED AND BUILD THE WORLD

AS WE

SIT AROUND IN COMFORT.

            (The reporters variously echo Max as they take down what he sings.)

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT.

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW.

THEY GIVE YOU SO MUCH EV’RYDAY, YOU GIVE THEM LITTLE

CAN’T YOU JUST LOOK THEM IN THE EYE AND SAY HELLO.

REPORTERS

 (taking the words down)

…AND SAY HELLO

MAX

AHHH MY MEXICO

YOU’RE NOT SO GOOD AT MAKING MONEY OR MAKING WAR.

AHHH MY MEXICO

BUT YOUR HIST’RY, ARTS, AND HEARTS AND PEOPLE MAKE YOU SO MUCH MORE.

(to Reporter #2 who has a family photo on his notebook)

IS THAT PHOTO OF YOUR DAUGHTER? (Yes.)

AND THE WOMAN STANDING NEXT TO YOU? (Her nanny)

SHE’S - WHO? (Maria)

YOU CAN SEE MARIA LOVES HER.

LOOK AT THAT, YOU CAN SEE YOUR DAUGHTER LOVES HER, TOO.

SHE’LL STAND 

AT YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER’S HAND

PROTECTING HER AND HELPING HER TO GROW

BUT, SIR, WHO PROTECTS MARIA?

                        (driving his point home with a bit of edge)

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE YOU SHOULD KNOW

THEY ARE INVISIBLE AND WE TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED

THIS HAS TO CHANGE NOW, THIS JUST HAS TO GO.

THE REPORTERS

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT

THESE ARE THE GIFTS OF PEOPLE WE SHOULD KNOW

THEY ARE INVISIBLE AND WE TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED

THIS HAS TO CHANGE NOW, THIS JUST HAS TO GO.

THIS HAS TO CHANGE NOW, THIS JUST HAS TO GO.

MAX

(an obligato over the Reporter’s refrain)

AHHH MY MEXICO!  THIS YOU MUST KNOW!

AHHH MY MEXICO!  I LOVE YOU SO!

I LOVE YOU SO!

 (Lights back up outside the gate, where Sylvester is listening to the radio broadcast as he readies his officers for armed combat.)

SYLVESTER

Hear that?  Something terrible is going on.  They’ve started to brainwash our women, indoctrinate our men.  God knows what they’re doing to our children.  Their poor open minds, taking in what they shouldn’t!  

REPORTER

Brainwashed?  And you think the reporters are being brainwashed, too?  

ANOTHER REPORTER

(quickly overlapping)

Why can’t you be civil to Max the way he’s being to the Americans?

SYLVESTER 

(exasperated, getting crazed, knocking down reporter’s microphone)

You all don’t see it, do you?  They’re infiltrating your minds, too, aren’t they?  Holding your brains hostage.  Soon, they’ll have everyone thinking like them. Everyone you talk to, even if they LOOK American, you’ll be wondering who you can trust, has that person’s mind been taken over, whose side is that person on? 

GOTTA GIVE A GUY A GUN (REPRISE)

LEMME USE MY GOLDURN GUN! 

CAIN’T STAND HERE MASTURBATIN’     [or: NO WAITIN’ AND DEBATIN’]

GETTIN’ SUNBURNT, DEHYDRATIN’

WHILE OUR COUNTRY’S OVERRUN!

GIVE MA MEN THE WAYS ‘N’ MEANS

TO PROUDLY STAND HERE MANNIN’

BAZOOKAS, TANKS AND CANNON

AND BLOW THE PLACE TO SMITHEREENS!

ONE OF THE TEXAS RANGERS

But sir, you’ll destroy the Alamo!

SYLVESTER

(this is news to him)  Oh, I will? Well –   

(brightens up) 

At least the Mexicans won’t have it

GOLDURN THE GOLDURN GOV’NER 

DENYIN’ THE PLAGUE THAT INFECKS US,

MAKIN’ US TEXAS LAWMEN LOOK LIKE PUSSIES!    [Ranger:Chief, the children!]

SCREW YOU! 

I’M GONNA DO 

WHAT TRUE MEN DO

NOT LIKE WISHY-WASHY WASHINGTON-YUN WUSSIES!

Hey, you two! Go open up the arm’ry and bring back some rifles, some missiles; yes, we’re gonna need all kinds of missiles!

 (points to people around him)  

For you! And you! Missiles for everybody!

GET EV’RYBODY HERE SOME GUNS

WE’LL DEPUTIZE THEM TEACHERS,

THEM REPORTERS AND THEM PREACHERS,

THEM GIRL SCOUTS AND THEM NUNS!

TELL ‘EM ALL TO MOVE THEIR BUNS!

GOTTA GIVE ‘EM ALL, 

GOTTA GIVE ‘EM ALL,

GOTTA GIVE ‘EM ALL  

SOME GUNS!!!

ACT 2, SCENE 3:

Lights up White House Living Quarters. The President of the United States and first lady are listening to the news, with their daughters.

PRESIDENT LBJ

Interesting speech the General made.  Couldn’t have said some of those lines better myself.

LADY BIRD

He quoted your speech from the ranch last year  - 

PRESIDENT LBJ 

(formal, as if giving the speech)

There are no problems we cannot solve together, and very few that we can solve by ourselves.

LUCI

Dad, have the Americans in Texas been going about this the wrong way from the beginning?  

LYNDA

He doesn’t sound like the insane lunatic the Governor first thought, does he?

PRESIDENT LBJ

Even insane people don’t sound insane all the time.  They’d drop dead of exhaustion.

LADY BIRD

Your father knows insane, dear.  He deals with Congress.

PRESIDENT LBJ

I gotta defuse this thing before that police chief Sylvester decides the best way to get a Mexican out of the Alamo is to nuke San Antonio.

LADY BIRD

(picks up telephone)

Helen. Get the Governor of Texas.  Tell him Lyndon needs to talk to him. 

PRESIDENT LBJ

((akes the phone from her)

Bucko! You got one helluva mess down there. Want some help? 

ACT 2, SCENE 4.  The Gift Shop.  Then the courtyard.

Ungaro and Lulu are continuing to tidy up the mess from the night before.

LULU

That Jim Bowie hibachi pot was right over here.  It’s a miracle it didn’t break, ain’t it?

UNGARO

Instead of there, the customers  might see the higher end items display better if that’s over here.  I bet sales from that section would double.  

LULU (looking at it)

That is better than it was before.  Thanks to you!  You know, you got me thinking.  Maybe there’s a way of using what you got where it’s needed.  Here at the Alamo. 

                        WHAT A WOMAN WANTS (REPRISE)

TOO MANY MEN

ARE SURE THEY KNOW 

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT 

THEY’RE ALL GOOOD AT ONETHING

BUT WHEN THEY’RE ALL DONE, THINGS

FOR HER ARE A BIT INCOMPLETE

BUT LET HER MEET FOLKS LIKE YOU AND THEY’LL MAKE HER LIFE SWEET.

UNGARO

 (puzzled by what Lulu may be suggesting)

I HAVE NEVER BEEN A BRUSQUE AND MACHO MAN.

SEÑORA, I AM MORE A BRUNCH, GAZPACHO MAN.

LULU

Bingo!

THIS WOMAN WANTS A SIDEKICK

WHO’S ALWAYS GAME TO PLAY

SOMEONE WHO’S WITTY… READY…

WITH BLIST’RING REPARTÉE  

FOR THOSE PINKO COMMIE SONS O’ BITCHES

AND NORTHERN LIB’RAL HUSSY WITCHES

AND ALL THEIR BARBS AND TAUNTS

THAT’S WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS

THIS WOMAN WANTS A BEST FRIEND,

A SPECIAL KIND OF GUY.

SOMEONE WHO’S TASTEFUL… HONEST…

UNGARO

AN EDUCATED EYE

LULU

FOR PERFECT NIEMAN-MARCUS DRESSES

FOR MAKE-UP AND WELL-STYLED TRESSES

UNGARO

IN TEXAS-SIZED BOUFFANTS!

THAT’S WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS.

GIVE HER A SPOTLIGHT AND A RUNWAY

GIVE HER A MIKE AND LET HER SING

GIVE HER A KILLER LOOK AND FUN WAY

TO KICK UP HER HEELS AND GO BOOM!  BANG!  ZING!

LULU

THIS WOMAN WANTS A SOUL MATE

ALWAYS THERE TO TAKE HER ARM

SOMEONE WHO’S DASHING… STYLISH…

UNGARO

WITH LIBERACE CHARM!

A MAN TO SHARE YOUR EV’RY WISH WITH

LULU

A GUY TO SIP WINE AND DISH WITH

UNGARO

A PRINCE OF CONFIDANTES!

LULU

BROADWAY SHOWS AND RESTAURANTS

LULU & UNGARO

THAT’S WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS.

LULU

If The Alamo could work it with Immigration, we could REALLY use someone here with your smarts  If you‘re  interested, I have pull with Personnel. (points to herself – she is Personnel.)

  

UNGARO

That’s very sweet of you, Miss Lulu.  But my home is always in Mexico.  The service and country I love. But we’ll definitely stay in touch with each other all the time. 

(Lulu reacts like she doesn’t believe him.) 

Really!  Nuevo Laredo’s just a bus ride away. 

(shows Lulu a photo)  

And my Antonio and I can come and visit on our vacations.

LULU

His name’s Antonio?  Like San Antonio?  Ain’t that a – 

(suddenly realizes)  

Private Ungaro.  What’s your first name?

UNGARO

I am Carlos Eduardo Ungaro. Private First Class, Army of Mexico.  The General told me I’ll be a Corporal July the 1^st.

LULU

I’m Louella Longstreet Daniel.  Daughter of the Texas Republic.  But everyone calls me Lulu.  I’m so happy to know you, Carlos. 

PAULA

(enters, carrying a transistor radio)

Do you all hear?  They’re running that report again.  That’s three times this hour.

MAX (entering)

Turn it down.  I can’t stand to hear myself anymore.

             

(PAULA half laughs, half smiles in sympathy, and turns off the radio)

             

PAULA

Max?  Is something wrong?

SALAZAR  (entering)

May I speak with you for a moment, General?  

PAULA

Do you need to be left alone?                                         (MAX motions that it’s OK to stay.)

SALAZAR

Nothing that needs to be a secret.  Chief Sylvester’s pacing outside the entrance.  He just ordered that all civilians be moved away 500 feet from the gate. Garcia heard him giving the order, sir. “When the time comes, shoot to kill.” 

MAX

Then, this is it.    Please assemble the men.  I need to prepare them for what’s to come.

(Salazar salutes and exits. Ungaro follows him.)

 I don’t know what to do next.  I thought the reporters would help.  Chief  Sylvester’s now just waiting for any excuse to shoot. How could I have thought this was going to end any differently?  What have I done?

LULU

(can’t believe what she’s hearing)

What you’ve done!  What you’ve done!  

Everyone seemed to think things were fine here, until you marched in.  But people like you!  You can’t leave things alone.  You put ideas into people’s heads.  You force people to ask questions they never asked before, look for answers where they never knew there were questions.    That’s what you’ve done!

(to Paula, who is  looking at her with pride and wonder)  

Well, he asked!  What was I supposed to do – pretend I‘m deaf and act like I didn’t hear the question?  

            (Lulu exits.)

(Max walks the few steps to the Courtyard, where the soldiers are now waiting.)

MAX

Men, we had a great victory last night.  Every one of you should be very proud of that.  But despite our best efforts, a stronger attack looks imminent. I am going to remain here and try to hold our position and defend our interests.  

UNGARO

Are we going to die, General?  

(Max looks like the question shakes him a little, but he quickly regroups and continues his speech. The soldiers glance quickly at each other when that question is asked, and while they look frightened, they stay in line and start to put on a brave face.)

MAX

I am giving each of you the option of staying with me, or surrendering to the mercy of Sylvester and his forces.  If you surrender, I believe you will be safe, and I promise you will not be seen as a traitor. – but think of the possibilities if you stay and fight. 

(Max draws a line in the dirt with his foot between himself and  the line of soldiers.)

Now is the time.  Will you cross this line and stay with me?  Or walk out that gate and leave?

(Max waits and looks at the soldiers.  He’s visibly scared that some may leave.)

MARCH FROM NUEVO LAREDO - reprise

SOLDIERS (as they cross the line)

(Salazar)                     MEXICO IS FULL OF ADVENTURE,  

(Ungaro)                     FULL OF MAGICAL STORIES.

(another soldier)         FAMOUS PEOPLE, CITIES AND LANDMARKS,

(another soldier)         GIVING PROOF OF HER GLORIES.

SALAZAR

COME!

LIFT YOUR HEADS HIGH!

REACH FOR THE SKY IN VALOR AND TRIUMPH!

All of your men stand with you, General. We all stand with you.

MAX

I am honored to serve with such brave and loyal soldiers.

MEXICAN SOLDIERS led by SALAZAR 

PROUDLY WE MARCH. WE ARE

SOLDIERS – WHO LIVE – AND DIE– FOR DEAR OLD MEXICO

PROUDLY WE MARCH SO YOU’LL

KNOW WHEN WE COME YOUR WAY

WE ARE COOL BUT AUDACIOUS,

FAIR, SQUARE, KIND, BUT TENACIOUS.

PROUDLY WE MARCH.  MAY YOU

NEVER FORGET US TODAY.

NEVER FORGET US TODAY!

ACT 2, SCENE 5:  Just outside and inside the Alamo Gate.

         Just inside the gate.

SALAZAR

Carmela, Louisa!  How wonderful that you came.  People will see Carmela is real, and they won’t think the General is crazy.

LOUISA (flirtatious)

I wouldn’t think no one will think he’s crazy, do you, Lieutenant?

SALAZAR

You may be right. 

CARMELA

Did you remember to call your fiancé, Louisa?   He may be worried about you.   With your wedding being NEXT MONTH?

LOUISA

Oh, that’s right.

SALAZAR

I was so honored that he asked me to be his best man at your wedding.  I’m looking forward to it.  If the General and I don’t get arrested.

CARMELA

 (very impressed, seeing SALAZAR as never before)

You would not just flip on him to save yourself.

SALAZAR

It is my duty to do what he says, but maybe try to change what he says if I can.

LOUISA (as SALAZAR leaves)

I remembered he was something of a hound.

CARMELA

He was.  But he’s changed since high school.  He was in Saltillo whenever Max had official military business.  People grow up.  You’ve certainly grown up as your work been responsible for other people.  Manuel has grown up, too.

LOUISA

Hmmm.  I’m sensing you’re coping pretty well, aren’t you?  Do you mind if I write a song about you?

CARMELA

You never have to ask.  But wait!  Wasn’t “A Song for My Sister Carmela” about me?

LOUISA

Oh yes.   That’s right.  

Back outside the Alamo gate, Sylvester and his officers hear a report on the radio.

VOICE FROM RADIO 

Good evening.  This is Jim Lehrer from IWN NewsRadio in Washington D.C.  We’ve just learned that the President has left the White House and is heading to San Antonio, where he is expected to arrive at The Alamo shortly . . .

 (A couple of reporters come rushing over.)

REPORTER 1

Chief Sylvester, is the President really on his way?

REPORTER 2

Chief, is it true that Paula lady has already been recommended for the citizen of valor award?

SYLVESTER

(very quietly and with an exaggeratedly faux calmness)

Pyle.  Would you come here, please?

OFFICER 

Yes, sir?

SYLVESTER 

            (shouting)

Get these people out of here!

OFFICER 

Yes, sir.  Right away. (shouts)  GET OUT!!!

- 

Back inside the Gate.  A helicopter descends noisily.  We hear the motor and see the lights, even hear the wind it causes.  Max, Salazar and the soldiers see it trying to land inside the Alamo. 

MAX

They’re attacking by air this time!

SOLDIER 1

(calling out to someone)

Get what’s left in the gift shop!  We’ve got to stop them before they land!

            (Soldier runs over with a bunch of assorted stuff – coasters, hats, chocolates)

SALAZAR

            (spots something and directs Max’s attention to it.)

Wait – no!  Is this possible?

MAX

That can’t be!

SALAZAR

            (To soldiers)

Hold your attack!

            (To Max)

Look!

(Salazar points to the side of the helicopter.  Max sees it and the two just look at each other in disbelief)

MAX

The Presidential seal!

- 

The helicopter lands and after two secret service agents appear, the President emerges.  Some of the soldiers bow to him.  (Secret Service Agents = Neal and Brandon)

PRESIDENT LBJ

I was a little worried there when I saw your men ready to pelt my helicopter with coonskin hats and post cards. 

MAX

I am so very honored, Mr. President.  It was my lieutenant, Salazar, who noticed your seal on the Helicopter. 

PRESIDENT LBJ

            (shakes Salazar’s hand)

I honor both the wise advisors and…

MAX AND PRESIDENT LBJ (simultaneously)

the wise men who take their advice.

PRESIDENT LBJ

I am honored as well, General, that you know my words.

And you are Paula, I assume?

PAULA

It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT LBJ 

I’ve recommended both you and Lulu for the Civilians of Valor award.  I know people in high places , so you may just get it.  

(to Max)

I’ve been listening to a lot of what you had to say over the past couple days and I think you need to hear what I have to say. Can we find a place to speak in private?

SECRET SERVICE AGENT (to President)

Sir, the Governor’s on the phone for you.

                        (Max is visibly startled by hearing the Governor is calling LBJ.)

PRESIDENT LBJ  (to Max)

Excuse me for just a moment.  (He heads back to the helicopter)

(lights dim on all the action going on, putting it in the background, as Max pulls Paula to a private corner, where just the two of them can talk.)

MAX 

I don’t know whether I’m about to be applauded or arrested.  You know, you were right . I don’t plan.  I make things up as they happen.  I guess I see only what I want to see.  

            (PAULA looks at him sympathetically.)

I better get ready for the President.  (Max exits)

PAULA (alone on stage)

That’s not true. (this realization suddenly sinks in)

Oh my God, that isn’t true.

            (shouts out and starts to run after him.)

Max!

            

(Max reappears in response to her call)

MAX

Yes?

                        SONG:  I WAS WRONG

PAULA

JUST A SECOND…

WOULD YOU?

JUST A WORD BEFORE YOU GO IN THERE

            

I HAVE SOMETHING

THAT I

REALLY THINK YOU’D WANT TO KNOW IN THERE

I MEAN SOMETHING

THAT WOULD

HELP YOUR PRESIDENTIAL SHOW IN THERE

A CONFESSION

THAT MY

FIRST IMPRESSION

WAS…

IT WAS WRONG.

I MEAN… WHAT I… THOUGHT I

THOUGHT ABOUT YOU.

OH SO WRONG!

I MEAN… WHAT I … THOUGHT I

THOUGHT TO BE TRUE.

ALL ALONG

IT WAS WRONG.

WE WERE WRONG!

WE ALL– CALLED YOU– LOCO!

PINKO! COMMUNIST! A JERK!

OH SO WRONG!

MADMAN– MAX’S– FOLLY?

HOW COULD IT WORK?! 

TRULY BERSERK!

AH, BUT THEN YOU OPENED UP MY EARS

AND YOU OPENED UP MY EYES

AND YOU SHOOK UP MY WHOLE WORLD

AND YOU SHOUTED “SURPRISE!”

YOU IGNITED THESE DREAMS

AND IGNORED ALL THE BLOCKS

AND YOU BROUGHT DOWN GOLIATH

WITHOUT ANY ROCKS!

AT ALL!

THEY’RE ALL WRONG!

GO IN! STAND TALL! TELL ‘EM!

LIKE YOU TOLD ME!

SHOUT “YOU’RE WRONG!”

SIMPLY… FIRMLY… TRULY!

LIKE YOU SOLD ME!

SING IT LOUD, CLEAR AND STRONG

YOUR BOLD CRAZY SONG!

MAKE ‘EM HAPPY TO KNOW

THAT THEY’RE WRONG!

MAX

YOU WERE RIGHT

POMPOUS… SILLY… WITH MY…

PAULA

            (interrupting)

…LITTLE BAND OF MERRY MEN?

MAX

OH SO RIGHT!

YOU KNEW! SAW THROUGH! AND YOU

SET ME STRAIGHT RIGHT THERE AND THEN.

SET ME ON MY PATH AGAIN.

AND NOW

I HEAR WISDOM WHEN YOU SPEAK,

CALM, AND BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE

AND YOUR WORDS I THOUGHT UNIQUE

THEY’RE WHAT I’M THINKING, TOO

AND YOUR RESONANT VOICE

AND YOUR RESOLUTE GAZE

GIVE ME CAUSE TO REJOICE

FOR THE GLORIOUS DAYS

TO COME!

MAX AND PAULA

WE WERE WRONG!

WHOOPEE! – YOU! ME! –US! WE!

DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND!

NOW WE’RE RIGHT!

MAX

            (offering his arm as if to dance)

SENOR-… ITA…

PAULA

SENOR, WE’RE OF ONE MIND.

MAX

SO INTERTWINED!

PAULA

NOW GO IN AND TELL ‘EM WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

DO IT JUST THE WAY YOU SOLD ME.

MAX

            (spoken)

Oh, Paula, your support means so much to me and I couldn’t imagine how I could….

PAULA

            (interrupting Max’s dialogue)

WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP AND HOLD ME!

            (Max is happily stunned but willing. they embrace and kiss)

PAULA

I WAS WRONG

MAX

            (playfully)

OH, SO WRONG!

NOW YOU’RE RIGHT

PAULA

RIGHT NEXT TO YOU

WHERE I BELONG.

MAX AND PAULA

WHERE WE BELONG.

                                                            

 . 

ACT 2, SCENE 6:     

- 

Two years later in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.  A crowd stands by a grandstand in front of a new building that looks a lot like the Alamo.

PRESIDENT LBJ

Two years ago at the Alamo, I promised to be here in Nuevo Laredo for this dedication today.  The symbolism of today represents the very best of what it means to be Nation Friends. 

LADY BIRD

In furtherance of that, to cut the ribbon, let’s all welcome – General and Mrs. Maximilian Rodriguez de Santos! 

CROWD

(chanting his name, as the General and Paula makes their way towards the mic)

Max! Max! Max! Max!

                            

(Suddenly, Salazar spots Carmela in the crowd, and goes to the edge of the grandstand.)

SALAZAR

Carmela!        (Salazar jumps down into the crowd to be next to her.)

CARMELA

It is a wonderful achievement, Colonel Salazar.  You should all be very proud.

CARMELA & SALAZAR 

(in unison except for different last word)

And to think it all started with (Carmela: me;  Salazar:  you)

SALAZAR

Perhaps after the dedication, I can tell you all the details about how you made this happen.

 (Salazar puts his arm around Carmela and they stand, listening as Max finishes speaking, possibly heading to their own happy ending..)

MAX

I thank you, Mr. President, Mrs. Johnson, my dear Paula, dignitaries, friends. Two years ago, I never would have envisioned what we all have now achieved.

LULU

(leans over grandstand excitedly saying to anyone in the crowd who notices her)

At first I thought they were all a bunch of commies!

MAX

            (acknowledging Lulu)  

Yes, you did!  Thank you for working with Sergeant Ungaro, our Museum Manager.  And we also would not have reached this day without you, Colonel Salazar.  

LBJ

Are you wearing the Medal I gave you, Paula?  Someone - get a photo of that.  Yours too, Lulu!  

MAX

With these visionaries working together, we’ve made it happen! The Nuevo Alamo Museum and Visitor Center will tell the story of the Mexicans who fought at the Alamo so many years ago. And now …  we’ve got a ribbon to cut! 

(Max and Paula motion to Carmela.  

Carmela is honored, holds the ribbon as they  make the cut.)  

DIGNITARIES

Viva Mexico!

SONG:  FINALE - NUEVO LAREDO AWAITS YOU (reprise)

EVERYONE

NUEVO LAREDO STANDS PROUDLY

ON THE EDGE OF THE RIO GRANDE

IN THE HANDS OF A GREAT COMMAND

HEROIC’LLY HE BROUGHT US TO THIS PLACE

TWO NATIONS’ PEOPLE STANDING FACE TO FACE

GLADLY WE OFFER OUR EMBRACE

DEAREST GEN’RAL MAXIMILIAN

YOU HONOR US WITH THIS PAVILION                                 

YOU TOOK THE NAME OF OUR SMALL TOWN

AND BROUGHT IT FAME AND GREAT RENOWN

NUEVO LAREDO

GO! GO! GO! GO!

GO! GO! GO! GO!

VIVA MEXICO!

VIVA MAX!